Procreation
I've been asking myself WHY? Why do I want to have a child?I am struck by the overwhelming urge I feel to articulate, and more importantly - to justify, my desire to have children.
The feminist in me screams - REBEL, BITCH! It's nobody's business but yours!
The submissive wife in me tell me I need to articulate it to my husband.
The academic in me tells me I need to articulate it for myself so I can become more self-actualized.
There are too many voices inside my head.
The truth is, I don't really know why or how to articulate it. And my anxieties get the best of me whenever I think about someone reading what I've written here. Aaaah, those damn voices of approval-seeking. OK, here goes my first attempt:
I would like to bring into this world a new life. I'd like for that life to be a combination of both me and my husband. I'd like to nurture and care for a child throughout its life. And yes, I'd like to be the mother of a school-age child, a teenager, a college student, and even an adult. It's not the baby that I want - its having a family. I'd like to know that after I'm gone, my family will still live on.
I think having a child would change me in profound ways that nothing else could. I want to experience those changes and live those feelings and emotions and see myself emerge as the same person, yet wholly different. I anticipate that it would be the most difficult thing I could ever do, and that nothing could prepare me for understanding that. Yet, knowing that somehow makes it even more desirable. Many of the things I don't know motivate me to want to find out. I live not to dull my senses and quiet my experiences, but live to take in all that I possibly can and live all-out.
I can see myself doing all sorts of things for and with a child. I can see myself at PTA meetings, and parent-teacher conferences, teaching Sunday school, reading the Bible and all sorts of books, and teaching them to read and write. I can see myself caring for a sick child, and going to the school when my child has misbehaved. I can see me up at night worrying about a child who has just started driving and dating someone my husband and I don't really care for. I can see me wondering about letting them get piercings and tattoos, or choosing to attend a different church - or not attend church at all. I can see me struggling to help a child pay for college, or worrying about a child who has decided not to go or drop out. I could see myself struggling to be a single mother if something were to happen to Michael, or if he were to leave me.
Fear is there too. There is fear of the unknown, fear of having a child late in life and the risks of health problems - for me and for the child. I fear that if Michael did have children that he would not like them or enjoy them. Even worse, I fear he would resent them and resent me for the negative impact they had on his career, his privacy, and his freedom. I fear that not matter how much I would love that child, that they would pick up on this and feel badly about themselves because they feel unwanted by their father.
Could I also see Michael being a good father? Definitely. In fact, I could see him being a better dad than my father was, and maybe even a better dad than his father was. I can see him teaching his child to play baseball and basketball. I can see him reading to them, snuggling up with them on the sofa to watch TV or a movie. I can see him helping them with homework with far more patience than I would have. I can see him laying down the law when it comes to the rules of the family. And I admire those things about him. But I also know those things come at a high price - sacrifice. Michael would have to give up a tremendous amount in order to be a good father (so would I). He's already given up more than he wanted to in order to be married to me.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 6/17/2005 02:35:00 PM
<< Home