Awakening
Yesterday my husband turned 34. I got him his favorite foods, and baked him a cake. I did not get a hug or a kiss. He did (in his defense) say thank-you. Last night he laid in bed and watched basketball. As I said in a previous post, I lost during March madness. The thing is, I always come second to sports...all year long. Work and sports - I think work comes first to Michael, though sports sometimes competes with it to the extent that he feels rushed and overwhelmed and behind in his work. Then comes work. God comes in 3rd, I think. I come in somewhere around 4th or 5th. His brother comes before me - he likes him better, though I suppose he had quite a few years up on me there. But I'm glad he has a good relationship with his brother - it is really about the only thing in his life that makes him happy.This morning I woke up to my headphones-wearing husband and I woke him up. I asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me. He said he did want to. So, I asked him why he didn't. He said that he felt he needed to answer the questions I had asked him over the last few days first - like whether he really does not want children, and if he would like to have a vasectomy. His answer of-the-week is this: He does not think he wants children (that's the answer he was able to conjure up in counseling on Wed. night). He was unable to look me in the eyes and tell me he definately does not ever want to have children (though I see it progressing in that direction). This morning he told me he did not want children "right now" (whatever the hell that means), but was scared to get a vasectomy for fear he would "wake up one morning and decide he wanted to have kids". I could have been hurt and cried and lost it. I could have gotten angry and felt sorry for myself. But instead I felt sorry for him.
I felt sorry that he felt pressured into marrying me. I felt sorry that he could not just stand up to me when we were dating and say, "Look - I don't ever want to have children, and if you want to be with me you'll have to realize that. I don't forsee ever changing my mind on this." I felt sorry for him that he feels he has to take a neutral position on so many areas of life. I felt sorry for the confusion and weakness he must feel. But for the first time in a long time I did not feel sorry for myself. I did not question what must be wrong with me, or why I wasn't woman enough for him. I felt strong and empowered. I felt relief to finally have arrived at the truth. I felt love and compassion for him. I felt ready to let go of him and hold on to myself.
I took off my wedding ring. I took my "engagement" ring out of my ring holder. I took my anniversary band out as well. I laid them on the dresser as I got ready for work. I washed my face and dressed and put on my makeup without crying. My husband had already made his way into his office where he hides out in the mornings if he is awake so he does not have to speak to me. I got my things together, and was ready to head out the door. I went into the bedroom and looked at the rings on the dresser. They represented a lot of pain, disappointment, and my husband's attempts to rectify situations that were already beyond repair at the 11th hour. They represented to me the tears and the pain I keep hidden everyday.
I held the three rings in my hand and looked at them. They were beautiful and elegant - still shiny and sparkling. They reminded me of what I had hoped our relationship would be like - strong, elegant, magnificent, beautiful, and of great value. I walked into my husband's office on the way out the door. He told me I looked nice today. I said thanks. I told him that I valued his honesty this morning. And I placed the rings on his desk in front of him. He glanced down, and we both said nothing. As I walked out the front door, he was behind me and looked out after me. I ran down the stairs as fast as I could and made it to work. I did not cry. I have not cried. I hope I make it through the night, as I have nowhere to go but home. But now I feel like I know where I'm headed. My left hand feels strange, and glancing down as I type is a reminder of what I left at home this morning. But I took my dignity and my hopes for the future with me. I won't ever leave those behind again. I did that once, and I already paid the price.
Finally, I am awake.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 6/03/2005 05:53:00 PM
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