Privacy & Freedom
In our most recent counseling session, my husband revealed that his two strongest values are:PRIVACY and FREEDOM
Now, he was clearly not referring to privacy in the governmental sense - nor was he referring to freedom in the political sense. He was talking about personal values - who he is and what he needs and wants.
Is it any surprise then that I am hurt as neither of his top two values have ANYTHING to do with me, marriage, his role as a husband (or potential father), or relationships with others including myself?
I can give him these things, but in doing so I feel I will strip away much of the potential we might have left to create a marriage - a relationship - a bond between us. I can let him keep his secrets. I can let him keep himself and his thoughts and feelings hidden from me. I can stop asking him questions, pestering and nagging him and sobbing when I feel "shut out". I can self-soothe and differentiate and quiet myself (more on differentiation later). But at the end of the day, I will still "feel" alone and isolated from my husband. Why would I choose to live like that?
Now, I believe in privacy too. I believe in not opening each other's mail. I believe in closing the bathroom door when you go in to do your business. I do not need to know the details of what went on in there when he emerges. I believe that husbands and wives do not need to know every tiny detail of each other's comings and goings. I do not need to know every phone call he makes during the day, what he ate for lunch, or what he did at work.
I do, however, believe in honesty and openness, and in being forthright. I do not tolerate lying of any kind, especially those lies that like to masquerade as "protecting my feelings". I do not tolerate secretiveness. I feel like when my husband tells me that he has to go "run some errands" or "has an appointment" that he is being purposely evasive. And I wonder what he is trying to hide. Now, I've just stopped asking. I used to check up on things, but after I found out about things he was buying, and things he was watching, and things he was writing, I stopped looking. Eventually, I stopped caring. I have to be honest with myself and to him. If he chooses not to be honest and forthright with me, he will have to answer to God for that. If this is what he means by privacy, he can have it. But he can have it without me.
And what of freedom? I believe in that too. But each realtionship we engage in strips away some of our freedom. I have a career here in Lexington. I have to be at work at 8, and cannot leave until 5. I can only take one hour for lunch. I am told how to dress, and I must look professional. I cannot bring my cat to work. I cannot talk to friends on the phone all day. What a drag. There is no freedom in this job! Yes, but I am still free. I chose this job - willingly and knowingly. And the "rules" are ones I can live with, even the rules my boss makes up from time to time. But I can walk away at any minute. I am not stuck - I am free. I can live in government housing and eat government cheese. I can live in a cardboard box under the overpass. There is freedom in that box - freedom from rent, from the housing authority, and from neighbors. But there is a price for freedom. The cost is obvious.
My friendship with Megan limits my freedom. I can't just say any old thing that comes to mind. My "freedom of speech" is limited - IF I want to maintain the friendship. I VALUE friendship MORE than FREEDOM (of speech, anyway - other freedoms, well, I'll think about that).
My relationship with Christ limits my freedom in more ways than I can imagine. It limits my freedom of speech, of expression, of religion, and more. It limits what I see, consume, what I go - and who I am at my very core. But I VALUE my ETERNITY more than I value FREEDOM.
So, I value privacy and I value freedom. But I value myself more than to be taken for granted by someone who values these so much that he looses sight of marriage, of intimacy, and of his relationship with his family, his friends, and most importantly - his God. He can have his privacy and his freedom. Time will tell if he is willing to pay the price to get them.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 6/01/2005 04:51:00 PM
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