Kissing
I've always been a big fan of kissing. This served me well in my dating experiences, as I learned that most men are also fans of it as well. But my husband is not a fan - never has been, and never will be. My fantasies anymore are often about being undressed and being slowly and deliberately and passionately kissed as much as they are about anything that might follow. There are times I think I'd be willing to have a fling if it were with someone who liked kissing me.I've had lots of kisses over the years. The worst kisser by far was a guy I dated in high school named Travis who was best described as kissing like a fish. Somehow, I always ended up with slobber all over my face after we kissed. I think he had not yet mastered how to swallow between kisses. Eeew. But in his defense, he kissed me often and loved kissing me, and was passionate and deliberate about it. He apparently improved enough to convince his wife to have 3 children, though conception does not rely on kissing as far as I know.
First kisses are fabulous - especially when there is great anticipation in the kiss. With my husband, I'd dreamed and imagined kissing him and what it would be like. But reality was so much better. Unfortunately, he remembers none of the experience because he was too scared and freaked out to enjoy it. What a shame. I even remember the feel of holding him right there in the airport, and how he smelled and the feel of the jeans and sweatshirt he was wearing.
Now days go by and we never kiss. When he does kiss me, it's quick little closed-mouth pecks on the lips. He pulls away so quickly, I hardly even get to enjoy the feel. I also have to ask to be kissed. Literally, I have to say, "Can I have a kiss?" And even then I only get the aforementioned casual peck.
I try to kiss him the way I want to be kissed. I even tried to describe it to him once, only to embarrass myself so badly that I ended up in tears afterwards. I've tried showing him and demonstrating how I'd like to be kissed. He said it "felt weird" and "would take getting used to". Well, three years later and obviously he still is not used to it. I have all but given up.
Still, I try. I brush my teeth, and use mouthwash, and try not to wear lipstick if I want to be kissed. I walk up close to him, or sit close to him. Yet he never gets it. I imagine he wonders why I don't sit on the other sofa since there is plenty of room over there. The other night, I wanted to kiss so much that I ended up really kissing on him in bed, the way I wanted to be kissed. I promise, if he could have pulled back any more, his head would have been buried in the pillow or down into the mattress. It was clear he was trying to get away from me - from the kissing. Later, I apologized for it, and promised I would not "assault" him like that again. When I asked why he was pulling away the whole time he said he was "trying to catch his breath" - literally.
So, I'm at a loss. I don't know how to talk about it anymore, and frankly I'm sick of talking about it. It seems like every time I try to talk about it, it just makes the whole problem worse.
So, what makes a great kiss? Hmmm - here's what I imagine is just about perfect: He looks me in the eyes, smiles, kisses me softly and slowly - doesn't pull away. He uses his hands, too - but no boob-grabbing (too Jr. High school) - along my back and my arms. He touches my face like he wants to memorize it. He kisses my neck and my shoulders - even licking and nibbling. He runs his hands through my hair. When he kisses me on the mouth, he stays there a good long time. He takes his time, isn't rushed, doesn't pull away. He kisses me the same way he wants to make love with me - hard and fast or slowly and passionately. He plays with my lips and tongue with his own, teases and tastes and lingers. He's not afraid to open his mouth, and enjoys the softness, and warmth, and even the wetness of kissing. He enjoys kissing, even making out. These kisses are long, slow, soft, moist, even deep (I'm hearing Kevin Costner now). He likes using all of his lips and tongue. He smiles and enjoys looking at me between kisses. He even tells me what he likes and what feels good. If it turns him on, he's not afraid to tell me. And he likes to do this a lot. He likes kissing for the sake of kissing, and kissing for foreplay, and kissing while making love, and kissing as afterplay.
I really don't know how you explain to someone how to kiss you. In my past relationships, kissing was never a problem. At least Travis enjoyed it! I've never had to beg to be kissed, and I've never had someone tell me it felt weird. And I have a pretty large sample size! (guess that's nothing to be proud of) I thought I was a good kisser - I've been told I am a good kisser.
Of all the things I miss, the regret I have over not having a lover, or a lover who likes to kiss me is a pretty strong regret.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 5/17/2005 03:59:00 PM
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