Taking a Stand
Knoxville, Tennessee is a nice spot - about 2 1/2 hours south of Lexington. There is a fabulous used bookstore there called McKay's that I simply adore. I decided that for my birthday weekend that I would treat myself to a weekend there. If got a hotel room for $78 for two nights on Priceline, and invited my husband to go with me if he wanted to. I made it clear that I was going for my own enjoyment, and that I realized that he had a lot of work to do and probably could not afford a weekend away.Though I gently encouraged him to stay home and work, he decided to come along.
I recalled the painful trip down to Tuscaloosa, AL and back just two weeks earlier, and how I hated the car trip because I had no one to talk to. So, I offered to drive. I got in the car with a declaration of my excitement, happiness, and enthusiasm. I smiled and tried my best to make conversation with my husband. For a while, the trip was OK. We listed to a talk radio sports show, and he called in on his cell phone and got dinner for the two of us at a restaurant. We seemed to be off to a good start.
Then the conversation ended once we were out of range of the radio station. My mistake was trying to make conversation. I had begun reading the book "Passionate Marriage" that our counselor had suggested...well, ordered us to read. The few pages I had already read had sparked many questions, and I was eager to ask them outside the stresses of the house and the bedroom. As is our style, every question I asked was carefully thought about by my husband prior to responding. And every answer was not what I wanted to hear. His answers are logical, reserved, and pragmatic -never laced with emotion, passion, or enthusiasm about the future. Once again, we spun into a fatalistic view of the future as we talked.
After arriving at the hotel, we went to find dinner. We ate at a Chili's and I had 4 margaritas - small on-the rocks margaritas - but alcoholic nonetheless. I was relaxed and felt good for a change, though I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head. Alcohol certainly does not make your problems disappear. Back at the hotel, I undressed and climbed into bed. A tired and unenthusiastic man crawled in next to me and, per usual, asked what I wanted. I wanted to turn around and shout at him that for once I'd love for him to tell me what HE wants instead of asking me. How am I supposed to be thrilled about having sex with someone who doesn't want or need anything? You got it - like I'm all alone. That's exactly how it feels - very little connection, sex without intimacy, orgasm without closeness. So I declined the invitation to "be serviced".
The next morning, my husband promised that he would "have more energy" that day and that he "wanted to come back after lunch and the trip to the bookstore and "spend some time together" (his code for sex - because, God forbid he say "I want to make love with you.") So, I felt a bit better - there was a promise of great things to come. Even though I was angry and frustrated about not having my sexual needs met last night, I said nothing. Even though this morning, even as I was touching him sexually, he got up to take a shower because he was feeling "sinusy" - I said nothing. I vowed to have a good day and not let his moping around get the best of me.
We went to lunch, and he did not like the food, so he didn't eat much. We went to the bookstore, and I had a nice time looking around the store. I selected several books on sexuality in marriage, and a couple of DVDs that I thought we might like watching together. W spent a couple of hours in the store, and we each had a nice time there - although there is not much interaction and intimacy in a bookstore. Afterwards, I looked forward to going back to the hotel room and "spending time together" before dinner. But that was not what my husband had in mind anymore, apparently. When we got in, he got in bed fully clothed and began to read a book he had purchased at the bookstore. I said nothing, and so I began to read more from the book "Passionate Marriage". We read in silence for an hour or so, and then he put his book down on the nightstand and fell asleep. He slept so long he started to snore. I figured by now I had taken enough - "soothe myself" the book says I need to do - don't rely on my husband for anything.
OK, so in an attempt to "soothe myself", I got up and got dressed to go to the mall. Still half-asleep, my husband stirred in bed long enough to offer to go with me. "No", I said, "Get your rest. Do what you need to do." He had broken his promise to me, and didn't seem to care. I was disappointed (again - what's new?) and a bit angry. I went to the mall and spent 2 hours there. I enjoyed the walk, and the relative quiet. I hurried back to the hotel once I realized it was 6:00. When I returned, he was still in bed with all the lights out in the hotel room. Eventaully he woke up, and I gave him the Godiva chocolates I had bought for him. But he just picked up his book and started reading in bed again. He bared paid any attention to me.
As I always do, I started to cry. I went into the bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror. I looked miserable and tired. And then I realized that I didn't have to put up with it - I wasn't stuck. I got myself together and simply said, "I want to go home now." All he said was "OK" and we both packed up our things. I walked out to the car first, threw my things in, turned on the air, and waited for him. About five minutes later he came out and put his things in, and got in. I pulled out and back onto the road. He made some comment about it being possible to still have a nice next five hours together if we turned back. But in my mind, my nice weekend getaway was ruined. I would have had a better time by myself and I was angry that he had come along and behaved the way he did. It was my birthday weekend, and I felt so alone and hurt. How could he have done that to me?
I was sure I wanted out. I told him. He said, "Fine. Done." And we drove in silence. I actually felt better and better as I drove. I envisioned a life free of this constant sadness and depression and axiety and feelings of being "overwhelmed". I felt free of a life with someone who was never happy, never felt well, and who had no desire to be anything but a roommate to me. I felt better. If I have enough energy and keep feeling better, soon I will have enough energy to actually leave for good instead of just talking about it or threatening it.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 5/23/2005 11:46:00 AM
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