Libido
When diagnosing me with PCOS, the doctor asked me if I had a "raging libido". "Yes", I replied. "HELL YEAH!" was what I really wanted to say. He explained that my elevated testosterone might have made me a bit more aggressive, a bit more uneven tempered, and a lot more, well...horny. Four months later, I can feel the decline in my sex drive. But I am afraid it's not that I want sex less. I'm afraid the struggles over physical intimacy have caused me to want my husband less. I simply don't want to put forth the mental energy it takes to be with him sexually, and the things that will inevitably upset me during one of those encouters. As I wrote before, he will not kiss me. More than that, he will not say anything, and if I say something sexy he will not respond. He looks uncomfortable, and as soon as it is over he rolls over and does not touch me, and jumps out of bed and runs to take a shower. He says he feel gross and "sticky". Well, you know - guess how that makes me feel? Yeah, like shit. Forget cuddling and hugging and kissing. Forget "afterplay". Oh, and definately forget talking about it afterwards. God forbid he say something to the effect of "That was fantastic."I've never had a problem with my sex drive, unless you consider wanting sex a whole lot to be a problem. I've had great sexual experiences, and great sex. I don't feel that I've somehow missed out in life. If I never had sex again as long as I lived, I could still say I'd sexually lived. I've experienced just about everything there might be to experience. But I am not feeling very sexual now that I am married. I own a pendant that is the Celtic symbol of sexuality, and I wear it sometimes just to remind myself that I am still a sexual being - a married, and frustrated sexual being - but sexual nonetheless. It makes me smile.
My husband says that he does not think about sex very often, and does not have the same level of desire that I have. Before we got married, we addressed this issue - a lot. And we found that our differences were drastic. When asked how often I would like to have sex, I replied, "Twice a day." "Fourteen times a week?!", he exclaimed. "Uh-huh. Yeah. You?" "Well, I think anything more than twice a week is excessive", he replied. My heart sank, and I didn't know wether to be angry or disappointed. Clearly, I knew that we would not have sex 14 times per week. I figured there would be some days that we would make love in the mornings and in the evenings. I even figured that Saturdays might prove to make the weekends even more wild. I knew that some weekdays would be exhausting, and that one or both of us would not desire physical intimacy - I just didn't count on that being so often at the ripe 'ol age of 33.
I rationalized away his response by taking into account his lack of experience and the physical distance between us. I figured when we were married and could do whatever we wanted sexually without being sinful, we would have lots of sex. And I figured once we lived in the same place, proxemics would work to our advantage as well. That did not prove to be the case. A year later, I feel like we've been married for 30 years. He has no more desire to be with me sexually than he does to vacuum the floor.
Throughout our relationship, issues of sexual intimacy (kissing, touching, intercourse, and more) have caused conflict and difficulties for us. Now, we seem less able to talk about those difficulties and the tension between us seems to be getting worse. On my last visit to the doctor, the doc summed it up this way:
"You have a nice man who loves and cares for you and is willing to work hard and provide for you. He doesn't want children, but is willing to have them with you and help raise and provide for them (not enthusiasticly, but willingly). He is not interested in sex because he has never placed importance on it, and has excluded it from his life to this point. He likely never will. I see him as a pretty shy, pretty naive guy who now feels pressured to have sex with you and to have children, and he doesn't want either. We've gotten his testosterone levels up to normal. He should have just about as much interest in sex as the next guy. Anything going on now is psychological. I really like you two. I just hope you find a way to make it work."
I sat in that man's office with tears streaming down my face. I drove home in tears, and when I got into the house, I had to run into the bathroom to cry and put a cold washcloth on my face. My girlfriend was in town for the week, and when she took one look at me when I came in the door, I knew she understood. She didn't press me for information - she just knew.
So, now I'm still re-thinking everything.
Tomorrow I turn 34. Big freakin' deal. This will not be a happy birthday for me. I see all the things that I thought for sure would happen - because I worked hard, I was giving and kind, and I loved him. And now I'm looking to my career to give me fulfillment. But I'm now a glorified secretary. I make more money than I did as a professor, but I don't change lives anymore, or better people's futures and relationships. I write policies and procedures. My life is work, and watching TV at night, and making dinner and cleaning the house. I would not call what I have with my husband a "relationship" let alone a "marriage". We are roommates. Some days we manage to be friends. But my friends know me more than he does. And they want to get to know me more than he does.
I don't think I want kissing or sex anymore - at least not with my husband. And knowing I've gotten to that point - and admitting it, feels even worse.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 5/17/2005 04:49:00 PM
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