Differentiation
In reading The Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, I've been introduced to a theory called "differentiation". I have so many different thoughts and feelings about the theory and its potential impact on my marriage, myself, and my husband (both good and bad) that I thought it might be helpful to write about those thoughts in the days and weeks ahead.I've read almost half of the book. So far, I've cussed at the author in my mind, laughed right out loud at truisms that were worded better than I could have ever imagined, and hurt so much from being confronted with my own insecurities that the tears just streamed down my face. But I am learning more about letting go of my husband and holding on to myself. It doesn't mean I don't care. I just means that I am choosing to no longer allow his fear and anxiety to have an impact on me. It means I am taking care of my own needs instead of waiting with fading hope for him to take care of them for me (or even with me). It means that his behaviors and interactions with me and his responses to me will have less of an impact on how I feel about myself and the choices I make than they once did.
I bought a vibrator. I laughed to myself when I thought about "self-soothing". Well, yeah. It was a sad day when I realized that I was purchasing it not to have fun with my husband, but because our sex life is relatively non-existent. I am tired of a lazy and apathetic, stressed out and anxiety-ridden man lying next to be trying to psych himself up to have sex with me. I've been reminiscing about some of my past sexual experiences. This is not an effort to make me forget about my husband, but instead to remind myself that it can be good, and passionate, and involved, and most of all - that the problem is NOT all mine. It is NOT because I am overweight, or 34, or intelligent, or assertive, or moody. It is not because I am not Maggie, his "Canadian rose". He doesn't have sex with me because he chooses not to. Period. It is not my job to psychanalyze him and figure out why and try to do something about it. IF he cared about it, HE would do something. And him not caring about it is not a reflection on me. It is only a reflection of him. There is nothing wrong with me, or undesirable about me. I smell good, feel good, and I am sexy and pretty. I am a good sexual "technician" and can be a wonderful lover with someone who would allow that to happen. But for now, I am choosing to have my needs met - at least those I can fulfill on my own.
It hurts like hell, but it hurts less than allowing him to have such an impact on my sense of self. I wonder how long it will be before I realize I really am strong enough to leave.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 6/01/2005 05:08:00 PM
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