I Wanna Do It All
Driving endlessly down the 4 floors of the ramps in the parking garage at work, I was thinking about how much time I spend just driving up and down that parking structure every day. It takes me about 7 minutes in the garage each morning, and about 5 minutes to get down out of it each night - 12 minutes a day - times 5 days a week - 60 minutes. An hour of my precious life each week is filled with just driving slowly through a parking garage. 52 hours a year - about 2.5 days each year spent in a car in a dark parking garage.On my way down yesterday, a song by Terri Clark came on the radio - it goes:
"I wanna do it all
Visit Paris in the fall; watch the Braves play ball
I wanna take it all in
Catch a few beads down at Mardi Gras
Start a tradition and lay down the law
I wanna do it all
I want to drink tequila down in Tijuana
Say "why not" when somebody says
"Hey do you wanna hmmm?"
I wanna get my heart broke once or twice
Settle down with the love of my life
Rock little babies to sleep at night
I wanna do it all
I wanna do it all
See Niagara falls, fight city hall
Feel good in my skin
Beating the odds with my back to the wall
Try to rob Peter without paying Paul
I wanna do it all"
I suppose the song got me thinking about what I really want to do before I die. I started thinking about the things I don't do and why I don't do them. And I wanted to write about that for a while.
In a previous blog, I listed out things I have done. Some things were impressive - some, well...not so much.
But what haven't I done that I want to do?
I want to travel a whole lot - not just to another city or state, but to other countries. My girlfriend Megan is traveling to Italy this summer for a study abroad. It is costing her thousands of dollars in student loan money, but it seems to be worth the cost. I've never been to Italy - wether that place in particular is high on my list is a good question. But the fact remains I've not traveled a lot. So - why not?
Two reasons come to mind immediately - not enough money, and no one to go with.
I should pick somewhere to go, save up the money, and go all by myself. I know how to travel in a foreign country, know how to research the places I'd like to see, and am pretty good company when I'm by myself. I spent a lot of time alone in Mexico - walking around after school got out, or on the weekends when folks were doing other things. Often, I found the experience to be richer when it wasn't tainted by someone else's take on the experience. My excitement didn't have to be confirmed or disconfirmed by a traveling companion - it was my experience and it was marvelous on its own. This is my goal - pick a place, save the money, and go. I will not wait until I am rich enough, or until I find someone who wants to go to the same place I want to go to. And who knows - I might meet a kindred spirit along the way somewhere.
I want to see a UK basketball game while I live and work here. This sounds like an easy enough thing to accomplish. And it is. Last year, we bought season tickets. And we knew immediately there were games we couldn't go to because of work schedules, conferences, and the holidays. And we sold those on eBay for nice little chunks of change. And we kept selling them - arguing that it would be better to watch the games at home, not have to mess with traffic and pay for parking, or that the games were too late at night. And in some ways I was really looking forward to actually going to the games. I figured it would be a good time to be out with my husband as he loves nothing more than watching sporting events. And we never once went to a game the entire season. Next year, I am going to a game - no matter how much money I have to save up to do it, or if I have to go alone. I am not waiting anymore.
I do want to rock a little baby to sleep at night - mine. And I've put it off for the same reasons - money and companionship. I either convinced myself or let someone else convince me that I couldn't afford to have a child. And I either convinced myself or let my husband convince me that we would not make good parents. Or I convinced myself that if my husband didn't want to have children that I shouldn't want them either. I figured if he was in God's will, and God wasn't telling him to have a child, then as a wife I should submit to my husband and not have children. Well, all that hinges on my husband being in God's will. And I have to wonder how someone who neglects my basic needs for physical intimacy and companionship, who never even prays with me or event talks with me about our life in Christ could be in touch with God's will. So, who am I listening to? I used to love to watch my mom rock my brother to sleep. I was 7 when he was born and I remember begging my mom to let me hold him and rock him to sleep. I was in awe and amazed as I got to be a part of watching him grow and watching my mom care for him. I thought how nice it would be to do that myself one day. She always told me I'd make a good mom. I still think I would. I think I'd make a lot of mistakes, but I think the good I would do would make up for the mistakes in the long run.
I want to own a house. I can hardly believe that my brother is 26 years old and has owned his own home in West Palm Beach for over a year now. Now, he's had some benefits. He wasn't married before and wasn't in the kind of debt I was, and had my parents as mortgage holders. Nice, if you want family breathing down your neck and telling you for the rest of your life how much you "owe them". But I'm 34 and I've been living in an apartment now for far too long. In 2 years or less, I am outta that situation - with or without my husband. I'm actually offended that he doesn't have any motivation to look into how on earth we are ever going to get out of this renting situation. We pay as much in rent as we would for a mortgage. You'd think it would be important to him, but you have to remember, he's content. And content people have no motivation to be any better off than they are now. I am not content. In fact, I am discontent knowing how much money we are throwing into something every month that we do not own. I feel like I am spinning my wheels just trying to stay right where I am. I'd at least feel better if at the end of the month I was that much closer to paying for something that is mine. My husband has absolutely no clue how strongly I feel about this. But I can hear his response now, "We can't afford a house, and I'd never qualify for a home loan. What do you expect me to do about it now?" I expect progress, and a goal, and a specific plan to get there. Again, my problem so far has been waiting for someone to buy a house with. And I think I make enough money to buy myself a tiny little house where the cats and I can live happily ever after - and if that's what it comes down to, that's what I'll do.
I want a new car. I've never owned a new car. My parents have found and purchased most of the cars I have owned, because I've never been able to afford to buy a new car - until maybe now. But I'll be freed from a lot of debt by the end of the year, and able to afford payments on a modest new car. But again I've waited for someone to get enthusiastic about doing that with me, or helping me afford it. So, at the beginning of 2006, I'm going to shop for a new car. It's time I had that for myself and stopped worrying about it. My brother just bought a new car for his wife - because her car was having too many issues - so he just went out and bought her one. Must be nice. It's time I started taking care of myself like that instead of waiting for a man to do things like that for me. I've clearly been spoiled by the men in my family, and watching how devoted they are to the women in their lives and to building a future for their families. But I also watched my dad buy boats and hunting leases and Cadillacs and Ford Explorers - I'm not asking for that - just the same level of involvement and dedication to making things happen.
Clearly there's a lot that I want, and I'd like to continue with the list. I think it's important that I stop putting off my own needs and desires while I wait to be more "financially stable" or for the companionship and dedication of a husband to do those things with or for me. The men in my family set the bar pretty high. I don't expect perfection, but I do expect more than "I'm trying" - I want to see some evidence of progress. I don't think that's too much to ask for.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 6/14/2005 05:45:00 AM
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