But I Love Him
A girlfriend and I used to joke about women who's men wold run around on them & treat them like crap - they were always a special class of women who would take back any man, proclaiming in their best red-neck accent:"But aah luuv heeem!"
Am I one of those women?, I wondered the other night. Why am I still around? Through all that he has put me through, why have I stayed? Besides the three kittens in the guest bedroom, why am I in bed next to him?
I do care about my husband, and I believe I love him. I no longer know the depths of that love, or how much I am willing to sacrifice anymore. I used to believe I would lay down my life for him, but now if it were between him and me, I wonder if I'd be able to resist hollering, "Take the selfish jerk! He treated me like crap!" I wanted to love him with the kind of love that would overcome all odds. I wonder now if such a love is just the stuff of fairytales. Maybe as humans we created this mythical love because we were so depressed once we realized "this is all there is". Dishes and laundry and cooking and paying the bills and heading off to work are all I get to do with my spouse, and most of the time I do those alone.
I really do care about Michael. I look at him in the mornings sleeping next to me and he looks so peaceful, his dark skin so beautiful against the white pillowcase. I am saddened that I will never expereince marital joy with someone who cannot experience it for himself. I used to be so in love with him. I would have traded away everything to be with him. I already have given up a lot, but there are so many things now that just aren't worth trading in.
So, why am I still there? Because aah luuv heeem.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 6/14/2005 04:00:00 AM
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