What This Girl Wants
"What a girl wants, what a girl needs Whatever makes me happy sets you free And I'm thanking you for knowing exactly What a girl wants, what a girl needs Whatever keeps me in your arms And I'm thanking you for giving it to me."'At a girl, Christina. You've got that right. Somehow, it always takes another woman to know and remind me of what I want and need.
It's FRIDAY - Woooo Hooooo. And I'm just sitting here (avoiding work like it's toxic) and trying to gear up for the weekend and figure out what I want to do.
I do love the farmer’s market, but getting up in time to do it seems difficult at best. I’m wondering why that is. Could it be that sleep always seems to win out over produce? Hmmm. Brocolli - sleep. Carrots - sleep. Tomatoes - sleep. You can see the dilemma.
I think I’m going to find some music somewhere on Friday night (and/or Saturday night) and just go – no matter if I’ve heard anything about the group or not. Last Friday night my girlfriend and I went to an Irish pub. I had 3 beers and 2 cigarettes while sitting out on the patio listening to a guy play acoustic guitar and (attempt to) sing. It was a blast, and I hadn't been more relaxed in eons.
I’m going to go for a long walk on Saturday and Sunday at some point, either morning or afternoon. I used to love taking walks with my husband when we were dating. We'd walk along the path that ran from his apartment by the library all the way down the river and to the Ohio U. football stadium. It was 2 miles down to that point, and we'd walk down there and head on back for a 4-mile trip. Sometimes, he'd go out for a run and come back in feeling better. I enjoyed our walks together on that path in the evenings. I liked the quiet and the peacefulness, and his company. At that point, I loved every minute we spent together and tried to cram as much into our visits together as he lived in Ohio and I lived in Georgia. Those walks together seemed too few and far between. And since we have lived together here in Lexington, we've never gone out for a walk together. He just seems too tired and depressed to do anything, and I miss that a lot. I miss it so much that I'm going to start just going on those walks by myself and clearing my head. Sometimes when I was visiting him and he was working, I'd walk from his apartment all the way to campus - even on some of the coldest days. So, I'm going out walking - not jogging - because apparently married women who go out jogging end up dead. And I've got a lot of life left in me.
I might also go start tanning for the summer in a tanning bed. I’m feeling very self-conscious about my pale skin. I have this weird notion that if you are overweight with pale skin, it looks worse than if you are overweight with a tan. I like my fat fried, thank-you.
I think I might look for a part-time job in the evenings and weekends so I’m not just sitting around doing nothing. I feel pretty useless most nights and don’t really feel like I have any human contact once I get home. I’m thinking that if I got another job it would keep me from getting depressed at home and help me earn some additional money so I could save up to do the things I really want to do (or buy the things I want – a house, a new car, a trip to Mexico, etc.). I’ve worried about my husband a lot, but my life has to go on. While I don’t feel as urgent a need to move out, I do feel an urgent need to move on. Again, I’ll try to write about it and sort through some of the feelings. Usually when I feel a sense of urgency like I do now (and have for the past few months), major changes are on the horizon for me. In the past, when I’ve ignored those drives within me, I’ve regretted it.
Mu husband used to say that he hoped a day would come where I don’t need him for much. At last, I am pleased that day has come. I no longer need him. I am my own companion, my own lover, and my own friend. I keep my thoughts on deep topics to myself. I don’t rely on him for anything meaningful anymore. I appreciate all he does in terms of running errands and paying bills and keeping up with finances for us. But in terms of all the other “needs” I thought I had that he most avoided meeting – I hope he's relieved that I no longer need those met. I suppose, ironically, as he has gotten more of the kind of relationship he wanted (privacy, freedom, lack of physical intimacy, lack of disclosure, and peace, focus on the daily mundane), I have found that I do not need him to provide me with the things that I wanted. Yet, as I have given him the two things he values most – freedom and privacy – he seems no happier now than he was before. If you get what you most desire and are still not happy – where else is there to look?
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 6/17/2005 01:00:00 PM
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