The Week in Review
I am awash in all kinds of emotions - many of which I've never felt before and simply have no label for. I want to get down some of the basics before I forget them, so gentle readers - I ask you to forgive my poorly worded thoughts as I try to get them down as quickly as possible.Last Friday night by the time I made it home from work at 5:30 the social workers were already at our place with both kids. I was so excited my heart was pounding so hard. The first little person I saw was Howard, and to me he was such a handsome little guy. He was shy, but he shook my hand and I said how nice it was to meet him. I sat on the sofa where the baby was lying and picked her up and held her. The workers talked with us about essentials - where Howard went to Head Start, and that Monday at 4:00 she would come back by to check on us all. She said she knew very little, but would try to answer any questions we had. But really I just wanted the two workers to leave so we could all be alone. Howard cried softly as gigantic tears streamed down his face. "I wanna go home", he softly said over and over again. "I know", I replied. "I'm so sorry this is so hard." "I know it hurts, and I'm sorry." We explained that we would take good care of them. We showed Howard where his bed was, and where our room was. We told him that he was welcome to come in and sleep with us if he wanted to. He said he wanted to sleep on the sofa, so we let him. We gave him a pillow and a blanket, and soon he was sleeping. Michael carried him into his bed and he slept through the night.
We made a co-sleeping arrangement in our king-sized bed for the baby and she slept peacefully, waking every 3 hours for a warm bottle and a diaper change. It was the honeymoon stage, so I enjoyed performing these tasks, and held her close during feedings, and rubbed her back and pet her head. I liked how she smelled, and the happy noises of contentment she made while feeding. She burped so loudly it made me giggle, even in the middle of the night. (Don't worry, we set it up so there is no way we would roll over onto the baby, or that she would sufficate in blankets or pillows.)
Saturday morning came all to early, and I was so tired. We all slept late - until about 9, and then I made Howard a peanut butter sandwich and some chocolate milk for breakfast. He ate a little, but was still unhappy and asked again about going home. We explained that mommy had broken things in her life that she had to fix before it would be safe for him to go home. He really does not understand - or so I thought.
I needed a ton of things - I had absolutely no diapers (as I did not know what size child would arrive). I had no kid-food in the house. I had no toys for a 4-year old, and really could not afford to buy a whole lot.
I started to ask Howard what he liked to eat - kind of like a quiz. Macarioni and cheese? No. Hamburgers? Yes. Pizza? Yes. What kind? Cheese!! (loud and happy was that reply)
It then hit me - Halloween was just around the corner and Howard being 4 years old was likely to really be looking forward to it. I asked if he had a costume. No costume. I asked if he wanted to go get one. "Yes!" "What do you want to be for Halloween?" "Piderman" "Spiderman?" "Yea-ah" (he's country, so the word "yeah" comes out as having 2 syllables)
Together Howard and I made a shopping list. I wrote in big letters and he watched as I wrote: Spiderman Halloween costume, whole milk, bottles, diapers, hamburger, cheese pizza - and so on. He made me read the list over and over again before we left. Then I asked him if he wanted to go. "Yea-ah, I wanna go Tall-Mart wit chew." (translation: but of course, accompanying you to Wal-Mart would be my pleasure). Michael got to stay home with a warm and snuggly sleeping baby. I got a very chatty 4 year old.
On the way to Tall-Mart we stopped at our church because the youth group was having a yard sale. Howard picked out a Piderman shirt he saw and wanted (it has webs sewn in underneath the arms). I bought a diaper bag that looked new. We then headed out for worlds of unknown food.
Shopping takes forever with a 4-year old. Everything is fascinating. And when you don't know what the child likes, you have to ask about everything. But I learned a lot.
We found a "Piderman" costume in Tall-Mart, and he picked out a Batman trick-or-treat pail that is essentially Batman's head with a handle. It is kind of freaky. The idea of Spiderman carrying around Batman's head is also kind of freaky. But he was very excited.
A nice couple with children in the diaper isle helped me pick out diapers. I did not know what brand to buy, or what size. I told them she had just turned 2 months and looked pretty normal sized. The nice lady suggested Luvs size 1 and suggested I only buy 1 jumbo pack as she could grow quickly. They worked great. And they are cheaper than Pampers. So far so good with the Luvs.
At the grocery store I bought a pack of Pillsbury orange sweet rolls to put in the oven on Sunday morning.
Saturday night I made yet another Tall-Mart run to the smaller one up the street because the baby was badly congested and Howard said his tummy hurt. I stocked up on baby medicine of every shape, size, and flavor - including baby Pepto Bismol, and baby Vicks vapor rub. Everything worked like a charm. I also picked up some coloring books and flashcards for Howard (which, of course, he loved getting).
Sunday morning we all got ready for church. Howard took a bath. It is fascinating to watch him take a bath. He likes to get into a already-drawn bath, sit down and get wet, stand up and completely soap down his body (picture a skinny little all-legs brown boy covered from head to toe in soap and standing up in the tub with the door wide open). He then sits back down in the tub to rinse off. He doesn't care to linger or play in the tub. He doensn't seem to mind it at all. It just seems he has better things to do with his time than sit in the tub. He dries off, dresses, and likes to come out and announce his cleanliness to us. The whole process seems to be over in 10 minutes tops.
We all got dressed, and I picked out a new green outfit for the baby to wear to church. We ate our sweet rolls while watching Barney on TV. We were late to church, but no one seemed to mind when we walked in with two beautiful kids. Then came the trauma: Howard bounded out of the car and into the church building. He joyfully descended the stairs where we told him Sunday School class would be. Then he saw the room with the teacher and two other little kids. And he started to cry - loudly with mouth wide open, tears, and saliva dripping down his chin and his nose running. It was not a pretty sight. We tried to comfort him, hold him, talk to him. It was no use. Michael ended up staying there with him while he cried - throughout the entire class. He stopped rather abruptly once he apparently discovered that in children's church it was another little kid's birthday and there were cookies. We think it was then that he discovered that he liked our church.
Everyone in church ooohed and aaahed over the kids, and Howard told everyone he met that he was going to be Piderman for Halloween. I had to translate for a few folks.
Sunday night I gave Autumn her first bath at our house. I got a baby tub that fits over the kitchen sink so you don't have to bend over and hurt your back. She loved - did I say loved? - her bath. She kicked her chubby little legs and slapped her fists against the water and made all kids of excited faces and noises. I even managed to wash her hair without her getting upset. Frankly, she didn't even seem to notice. I used a lavender and chamomile baby wash, and she smelled so nice and clean. Michael stood by with a big fluffy towel and he wrapped her up as I lifted her out of the tub. She cried. She did not liked being out of the tub. I don't think she ever wanted to get out. She kept crying until I had a diaper on her and she was fully dressed in her footed pyjamas. Then she was a very happy and sweet smelling baby.
Monday Michael took Howard to Head Start and I got to stay home with Autumn. Howard got an award at school for being a good boy. His teacher told me when I picked him up that she was in shock at the major change in him since last week. He was thrilled and so was I. I let him call Michael on my cell phone to tell him the good news. Then Howard handed me a piece of paper he had gotten at school - it was my very first "Dear Parent" letter! Woooo hoooo - that was ME! It asked about what I could bring to the school Halloween party (I think they call it a Harvest Celebration). It has to be something healthy. No sweets. I like that.
I stopped and got him a cheeseburger at McDonalds because he asked nicely - and because I figured he deserved a celebration. He fell asleep in the car holding his cheeseburger. He fell asleep before he ever got to take a bite out of it.
Monday night we all went to my night class together. Howard wanted to see where I worked, and the class wanted to see the kids. It was pretty cool. Howard sat in the front row, and actually watched the lecture and discussion more intently than some of the students did.
Tuesday night was really nice. I stopped on the way home for pizza - and while it heated, Howard rocked out in the livingroom with his new toy electric guitar that has pre-set rap beats. He loved it when Michael played the guitar beats so he could dance. In the middle of one of his dance routines that he was making up, he dropped down and started to do push-ups to the music. I about peed my pants it was so funny! All the while, Autumn was in my lap happily downing a warm bottle.
We didn't even turn on the TV until 7:30 in time to watch Jeopardy. Howard got out his new flashcards with pictures and words on the back, and numbers and colors. While Michael and I shouted out Jeopardy answers, Howard shouted out colors and numbers and identified pictures. He was confused with "pear" and "sled" - neither of which he has probably ever seen or heard of.
It felt like we were a family. We ate together, sang songs and danced around the livingroom, got into pyjamas and ate cookies-and-cream ice cream (after eating pizza, grapes, and milk - great combo, huh?...hey - at least I got the major food groups in). He ate 1 piece of pizza, lots of grapes, and 1 big scoop of ice cream. Not bad for a kid whose teachers at school tell us how hard it is to get him to eat.
We watched some of the World Series game - then after an inning was over and went to commercial, we said baseball was over and we brushed our teeth together and got Howard into his bed. It is so cute to see him jump into bed and surround himself with the fluffy white down comforter. I think he really digs it. He is now calling that room "my bedroom" even though technically it is Michael's office with a bed in it. We do not have a great set-up for a 4-year old (as we were expecting only kids under 2). We would like to buy toys and really make the front room into his bedroom and move the crib into our room, but we are really afraid that if we do all that, that we will get a call telling us to bring them back.
Bedtime had become an interesting ritual with Howard. He loves to have you read a book to him, and Michael and I have taken turns with that. We are teaching him to say his prayers, and he is very shy about that and I think it makes him uncomfortable. But we do it every night, and now he is starting to get excited about things to pray about. We all take turns thanking Jesus for things that are good, then we take turns asking Jesus for the things we need. It is simple, but the option of "Now I lay me down to sleep..." seemed rather creepy. I don't want to talk about death and soul taking with a 4 year old who just wants his family back. He often asks Michael to keep coming into his room so he can ask him various questions. He has now taken to telling Michael that he is lonely, scared, or that the "Boogie Man" is in the closet. The other night, Michael actually went into the closet and turned on the light to make sure there was no monster in it.
Wednessday Michael went and toured a daycare neat Howard's Head Start that baby Autumn could go to. He was very impressed. The caregiver-to-child ratio is 1-6. That's not prefect, but not as bad as some places. He was impressed with the staff and the facility and he signed her up after calling me. She started Thursday morning - and it breaks my heart that I can't be with her more. But I trust that this place will hold her a whole lot and give her lots of contact comfort. And I know I will spend a lot of time holding her in the evening and all weekend long as well.
Wed. night Howard and I read "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish". Then we prayed. He wanted to thank Jesus for the cats and he wanted to ask Jesus to provide us with more books. I thought this was a reasonable request, so we prayed about it. When we get more books, I will have to talk to Howard so he knows that Jesus provided what we needed and answered our prayers. Every night when we pray with him, we thank Jesus for allowing both he and his sister to come and live with us for a while, and we pray for the safety and happiness of his mommy and his granny. This seems to make him feel better.
Thursday morning (this morning) was an awful morning. We had stayed up way too late last night because it was the last game of the World Series and making Michael miss that would be like asking him to cut off his arm. Howard got to bed way too late because I didn't get home from teaching until a little after 8:00. Michael had fixed them some pizza, but the baby was crying and was inconsolable. I decided to give it a shot. Her whole little body shook and she scrunched up her face. She looked like she was in pain. I decided maybe she was. We gave her some baby gas drops and she got a little better. I took her into the completely darkened bedroom and pulled down my sweater and held her against my bare chest, rubbed her back and whispered nice thoughts to her. Miraculously, she settled down and eventually fell asleep in my arms after much very loud crying. Unfortunatley though, I had to stay there in that position for quite a while because we feared that putting her down would wake her up and start the whole cycle over again.
This morning we had no bottles made up to send to daycare and every bottle we had was dirty, we had no boiled watter, and we didn't get up until about 8:00 (even though my alarm went off at 6:45). We had to pack up everything the daycare requires to send it with her: 5 fresh bottles, 5-7 bibs per day, 8-10 diapers, burp cloths, diaper bag, 2 crib sheets, 2 changes of clothes, 2 blankets, 2 boxes of baby wipes, 2 boxes of kleenex (wipes and kleenex are sent in each month). By the time you pack up everything, it's two big bags worth of stuff. And I don't have all that much to begin with. I can tell I'll be doing more yard sales this weekend.
I didn't end up making it into work today until 11:00. I hope we get better at this schedule thing. But right now it is hard to find anything in the pig-stye that has become our house. And we are just so tired that it is hard to get going and think through all you need to do in the mornings. I even forgot to wear my glasses today - which is not good news and means I will probably have a bad headache by the end of the day.
Michael teaches late tonight, so he won't be home until about 9:00. This will be my first time picking up both kids, taking them to the grocery store to get the products I now have my WIC vouchers for, feeding Howard his snack (he always comes home from school ravenous), going home and preparing dinner for them, getting her fed and changed, and getting them into pyjamas and in bed by 9 so that Michael can come home and engage in the bed-time rituals. We told Howard that Michael wouldn't be home until late, but I imagine he will still complain about that. It is clear that he has gotten far more attached to Michael than I have - but because of my work schedule and my boss-from-a-very-warm-place I haven't spent as much time with him as Michael has. And besides, I think he feels that getting close to me would be betraying his mother. And I also think he really digs having this great guy at home since he has never had a daddy. And Michael has been an amazing teacher and parent to him. Howard is learning new things every day - teeth brushing, hand washing, manners, praying, hugging and kissing, and even how to interact with a cat. All these things seem to be pretty new to him.
So, friends, I am exhausted in the best way I know of. I look pretty rough. I worry every time my cell phone rings that it is the workers telling us the kids are being returned to a relative. I want them to stay. I need to admit that. They would fit into the family so well. And I hate to think of them going back into that kind of family environment (all biological parents - 1 mom and 2 dads - are incarcerated). I hate to think about Howard because of limited opportunity and exposure falling into that same lifestyle and ending up there as well. I hate to think about them living in a housing project and going to the worst school where the majority of the kids can't read. I hate to think of them not having good nutrition, or opportunities to do the things that interest them. I think Howard wants to play every sport ever invented. And kids in poverty just don't get to play most organized sports. It cost money, and someone has to drive you to practice and to games and buy you equipment and pay the registrations. It would please me to do all those things.
Baby Autumn has a big red, raised birthmark right in ther middle of her forehead. She has a bigger one on her tummy, and a small patch on her neck. Now, I think it's not bad right now. But I know kids will make fun of it eventually. I know it may cause her embarrassment one day. I know no insurance will cover the surgery to have it removed. I can't inagine the family situation she came from caring enough to save the money to have that done for her.
She has long little fingers. I wonder if she would like to take piano lessons someday. Or maybe she will have a great singing voice and want to take private voice lessons.
It's these kind of things I think about. And I can't imagine them ever getting these things if they go back to relatives. I can't imagine them being very safe or secure. I am very worried about their future.
And I am worried about us. We cry sometimes when we think about not knowing how this is going to work out. We love them. If we have to return them, it will break our hearts. It already does. This is so hard. I can't explain it. I want to go out and shop 'til I drop for these kids. I want to make holiday plans. I want to start their Christmas lists. I want to re-decorate the front room and make it Howard's dream bedroom. But I am afraid to do it. I am afraid we will start, and then get the call - or finish and then get the call. Or, I'm afraid doing all that will make our attachments to them even stronger and put us at risk. I'm afraid if we don't treat them like ours and they do get to stay, then we wouldn't have set up a strong foundation.
So, we've decided to establish strong bonds. We already tell them we love them. We give them hugs and kisses now (after asking Howard if it was okay). Now, every morning he waked up happy and come running to give us morning hugs and kisses. I so look forward to that.
One day at a time is all we can do. I'm scared. I know if the worst case happens, that I'll live through it. It's just that I don't want to. I have a feeling I already know how hard that would be.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 10/27/2005 02:00:00 PM
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