Back in the Saddle
Today at work, a co-worker who has a 4-yr old little girl that he adopted from China asked me if I had gotten too discouraged with the foster care system yet. He asked if I had given any further thought to international adoption. He's a good guy, and he really seems to care about what happens to Michael and I in this awful situation.My answer was , "No". No, I'm not so discouraged that I feel like giving up. I feel impatient, but that comes with the territory.
I checked in with some folks, and it seems no one from my foster parenting class has gotten a placement yet (except for me). Everyone is waiting. And we all finished our classes on August 11th, and then had our second home visits.
Michael and I got our official paperwork from the state that says we are approved. As far as I can tell, we are the first people out of our class to receive it.
This weekend, we tried to regroup. I went to yard sales early on Saturday and spent another $40 on baby gear - a Diaper Genie, a baby bathtub, blankets, bibs and burp cloths, and about 40 clothing items. I promptly came home and washed everything in baby detergent and hung things on baby hangers.
On Sunday I engaged in further retail therapy, and bought myself 2 new suits and 2 pairs of shoes at Burlington Coat Factory. I love that store. I wore one of the new suits to work today - black pin stripe pant suit - an awesome look. I painted my nails red, and wore red lipstick. I looked like I was about to take over the office, and I felt pretty good. The only way I would have felt better was with a new bra and panties, but since I am a pretty good-sized girl, that would have meant a trip to Lane Bryant, and I was not in the mood for that store. I hate being reminded that my boobs are the sizes of canteloupe (well, small cantaloupe).
This is fall break for me on the teaching side of life, so I don't have to teach my Mon-Wed. night class this week. Just working 1 job from 8-5 seems like doing so little, it's funny.
The boss talked to me about changing some of my responsibilities at work. It will mean doing more routine and possibly boring things, but for some reason I didn't care. I truly didn't. Work is just not my life anymore. I used to want to be a really swanky administrator with degree after degree - now I just want to come home at 5 and clean up the house and make dinner in my jammies. I want to relax and enjoy being home. I want to pet the cats and not worry about what tomorrow is going to hold, or the many deadlines crashing in all around me.
It's funny, but the less I have worried about things, the better I seem to have gotten about my job. The days go by faster, and I seem to be able to tolerate my boss (A.S.S.) more. She's a real pip. She's stopped cussing so much, and that makes life better. I pray for her a lot. I really do. She needs it.
Today, I don't feel as focused and driven as I have in past days. I now take my cell phone with me to important meetings, but it is merely a routine. I don't stare at it during the meeting hoping it will ring. If it rings, great. If not, it means another night at home in my jammies with Michael working on the laptop watching baseball playoffs (oh, how I hate playoffs of any kind - how freakin long can they drag that stuff out? Get on with it already and declare a winner so we can all get on with out lives already!!).
It's not depression. I'm not crying anymore. That was Thursday night and some on Friday. Now I am just settled.
One big celebration came this week. I am now completely finished paying off all debt I had with my ex-husband. This might not seem like a big deal to some, but he had put us almost 50K in debt in 9 years of marriage. And we did not declare bankruptcy - we paid it off. All of it. And this month was the very last payment. That is $350 a month that I no longer have to pay. That money is going to go all sorts of places - but the most important to me is a special savings account. We have decided to open up a baby account. We will put all money we get for doing respite care into that account along with a couple hundred very month from now until...well, until we feel led to act. It is a possibility that at some point God will lead us to pursue international adoption. Until then, we will have to save anyway. Either that money will be a child's college account, or it will help pay for the costs of adoption. We figure it's doing something. And I figure it's better than going out an getting further into debt as a way of celebrating.
So we are back on track, and taking it one day at a time.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 10/11/2005 04:41:00 PM
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