Dealing with Mom
Today I got in to work to receive an email from my mother (who does not have my blog address, though knows I write one - but I'm not sure she knows exactly what a blog is). I am sure she meant well, but it still felt like another barb. Another blow. Another reminder of how hard this could be. But does she offer support? No. Does she offer to finance this international adoption of a baby from Guatemala that she so thinks we should do? No. She presents the worst cases.Now, I know it may seem like a violation of privacy - but readers don't know who my mom is, and never will. Those who do know her, know what I've been through with the bigotry and twisted value system of my parents anyway. So, I put it here to remind everyone that we are up against all sorts of enemies (silent, vocal, intimate, and strangers) and they all hurt in some way, shape, or form. The support of others is what helps get me through messages like this without crying at my desk.
This is what she wrote:
Last Fri nite we were at a party
and people there did fostering.
And tried to adopt thru fostering, etc.
OH my goodness!
What stories they had.
They think you get taken advantage of big time.
Anyway, they also did a number of crack babies.
Had to give them back as their problems
were so bad.
They said to tell you .."Do NOT believe it if
someone tells you crack babies get better."
They said, sometimes they get so they
are not so bad... BUT NOT all better.
I am concerned about the system.
They had as many as 6 from one family one
time. They said 6 was not an uncommon
number.
Yeah, mom, thanks. I appreciate your alerting me that the workers and the system will take advantage of me, that I'm going to adopt a crack baby who will never recover, and that unless I am willing to adopt 6 children, I won't be able to adopt at all. Thanks a lot.
I suppose I'm being overly sensitive. I suppose I should be pleased that she even speaks to me now after the difficult times we have had relationally. But I can't help but wonder why she feels the need to email me stuff like this. Is she trying to say that she knows how hard this must be for us? Is she trying to get us not to do this? Would she rather we give up and be childless? Does she not want me to have the life experience of being a mother?
It is important to point out that she has never once offered support - simply imformation about how bad these kids are, and how expensive it will be, and how difficult it will be. She even said we needed to consider moving to FL or MS to be "closer to grandparents", yet has never said they would want anything to do with the children. To make it even more confusing, she has sent me the baby blanket my Aunt croched for me when I was a baby, and has sent me some of my baby books that I requested. She didn't have to do that, and I appreciated that so much and have told her so. I'm extremely open with my family about what we are doing and what we are going through. Michael, on the other hand, does not share much of anything with his family yet has a much healthier relationship with them.
The temptation is to pull back, stop telling them about any progress we are making, or anything at all about how I feel or what I want. But then I risk her saying again what she so loves to say when she doens't get to control me: "You are so secretive." Yeah. Secretive. When my brother does the same thing, he gets labeled as "private", but I get called deceitful, secretive, and even a liar.
I love my folks. They have a lot of issues (as do I). I guess I just need to pray for them, and about this, and keep on loving them.
I hope I find a way to work out these issues before our children arrive. I'm glad I'm getting the chance to do just that.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 10/05/2005 10:25:00 AM
<< Home