Slaying Goliath
We read the story of David and Goliath in group on Sunday morning. I imagine I've read the story dozens of times, and heard dozens more interpretations. What "struck" me (pun intended) is the resonance the story had in me now that I was no longer a child, but an adult facing Goliaths of my own.
Now, I have never come face to face with a gigantic Philistine, nor do I ever care to.
But I have faced people I thought were my friends who commented when Michael and I got engaged how opposed they were to blacks and whites marrying (with off-handed comments like, "But Michael's different - he doesn't act like a typical black man.") Hmmm. And what would that be like?
I later faced people I thought were my friends who commented after I was married to Michael that they "hoped to God [we] never had children because of those poor half-breed kids" (adding other off-handed remarks like "you know what I mean"). Unfortuantely, I did know what they meant.
I have a boss whose initials are A.S.S., and makes sure folks are well aware of that fact. She keep asking me, "So, do you have a kid yet?" I politey say no, that we are still waiting. I think to myself, "Do you think I'd be sitting here if I did? Heck no, I'd be on vacation setting up doctors visits and finding a good day care, and spending time with my baby. I would NOT be sitting here." But I do not say that.
I am sub-fertile, and so is my husband. People constantly tell us "Oh, just wait - you'll become foster parents and then get pregnant!" They just think they are being cute. They aren't. Infertility is a painful journey. Many feel like less of a woman, or like they've been robbed of an opportunity that comes so easy for others who didn't even want children in the first place. I waited to try to have children because I thought I was being responsible. Now I find out that I probably could have easily had children had I started in my early 20s. It makes me angry.
My mother insists on reminding me about horror stories of parents who have had their children taken away after the adoption was complete because the birth father stepped forward and wanted the child. I told her that does not happen if the proceedings are done correctly and the correct steps are taken. She kept saying, "All it takes is one judge." Gee, mom, thanks. That helps so much. She told be about a beautiful family she saw from Guatemala, and how pretty the little kids were. She thought we should adopt from there because the kids would be so beautiful and look more like ours. Oh yeah, that little Latino will for certain look like my pasty white self or Michael's dark self. As if we care what the child looks like. *Sigh* She means well. When I told my dad about looking at houses for sale, he joked that maybe we could get one that came with a kid. That hurt my feelings, but I laughed it off. My family likes to kid around a lot. We always have. But sometimes it borders on hurtful, and they don't know when to stop. It's like when I was a teenager, and they jokingly called me "Buffalo Buns". I was not fat then. I am now.
And, of course, the list goes on.
David was somewhere between 8 and 12 years old when he slayed Goliath. I am 34 and struggling to slay the giants that prevent me from being positive about this adventure, and about life in general. I am doing so much better than I have in a long, long time.
I like a song I hear on KLOVE all the time now by Casting Crowns, called The Voice of Truth. The song goes like this:
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes To climb out of this boat I'm in
on to the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again.
"Boy, you'll never win!""You'll never win!"
Chorus: But the Voice of Truth
tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takesto stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again.
"Boy you'll never win!""You'll never win!"
Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
Maybe someone out there needs (like me) to be reminded about the Truth. I'm praying for all of you.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 9/28/2005 10:00:00 AM
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