Would I Do It Alone?
Cluttergirl asked recently, "Do you think you could go through the risk of losing the kid, empty crib and all that if you were a single mom instead of a couple? ie that that child was your only family in your house?" I stared at her question for several minutes, vascilating between firm affirmative and firm negative responses in my head. I decided it required some blog time.When I started dating again, I got to know a guy named Mike. When it became clear that we were just going to be good friends, I confided in him my desire to have a family someday. I told him that I had a plan - that if I turned 35 and did not have a child, or one on the way, that I would adopt. I was so certain of this, that I said I would adopt even if I were single. I didn't want the lack of a partner to prevent me from having the kind of life I wanted for myself. Mike liked the idea, and as our lives moved in separate directions, I forgot that we had shared those conversations.
Recently, I received an e-mail from Mike telling me that he was getting married and asking how Michael and I were doing. And this is what he wrote: So, tell me, any kids yet? You told me that you were going to have a child even if you had to adopt as a single parent. You would be so great as a mom. I hope you do if you have not yet.
Wow. God bless Mike for remembering what was important to me. I appreciated that. And I appreciated his vote of confidence. As a social critic and self-proclaimed grumpy-old-man, Mike's seal of approval on my potential parenting abilities means a lot.
And now that I know how much "social work" is involved in caring for and adopting children from the foster care system, I do not know if I would do it as a single mom. I read cubbiegirl's accounts, but understand that she has Geo and anticipates him as a part of her future. He's a tremendous help to her in caring for Bugaboo.
Michael will make a terrific dad. He'll screw up just as much as I will, and somehow that is comforting to me. We'll talk about the things we do right and the things we do wrong, and together come up with better, more effective and healthy parenting strategies.
Ok, here goes. No, I don't think I would do it alone. Not right now, at least. I might if I owned my own house, had a newer car, had a lot less debt, and was in better physical shape. Now, I don't suck right now or anything. It's just that if I were single, I'd have to had the odds stacked a lot more in my favor in order to survive as a single mom. And if I didn't have any debt, I wouldn't worry so much about providing for my family. I don't just want to eek out an existence with my kids - I want them to be able to do the things they want to do and have great life experiences. I want to be able to send them to the dermatologist when they get acne as bad as I did in high school (boy was I thankful for my doctor then). I want to be able to get them braces for straight teeth, and at least 1 or 2 "cool kid" outfits that make them feel good about themselves at school. I don't want my kids to have to be the poor kids, or the kids who can never afford to do anything when their friends are going places, or the school is taking a trip.
Another downside of all this is that we don't have any family in Kentucky. Michael's family is in Mississippi and mine is in Florida in hurricane ally. There is no possibility that Michael's family will ever, ever move anywhere else. Mine keeps saying they are getting out of Florida, but my brother only lives about an hour and a half away on the coast as well. I don't see them leaving anytime soon. So, we have no "gramma and grandpa" to help out in a crisis. Babysitters will have to consist of generous graduate students of Michael's and possibly some friends from church who are yet childless. It will be a challenge just to get everything done with 2 people to do it all. Even now, we often feel swamped with work and daily/weekly/monthly tasks as both of us work full time and are involved in church and do like to get out from time to time.
This past weekend of doing respite care was humbling. Michael and I tag-teamed like experienced parents. He cuddled those kids like he had been doing it for years. He fed Kewpie her bottle and Bo and Luke climbed into his lap and laid their heads against his chest and you could see in their little faces that it felt good. I know - I like his chest too. Ahem... I warmed bottles while Michael held Kewpie on the sofa. I changed one little one while Michael watched the others. We took turns trying to get them to nap. When they fell asleep in the car, Michael carried them up to our 3rd floor apartment and laid them in bed - and did such a good job that they never woke up. That is talent.
Maybe I could do it alone if it was just one child. But then again, I just don't think I could do it right now. I could if I had to. If something happened to Michael, I could do it alone. It would be terribly hard, but I could make it work. We had to know that going into this. We had to know that the other would be alright parenting alone if something bad happened. We know we would be fine. But we also know we like having each other.
So, perhaps my answer would be different in a few years. But for now, I just wouldn't do it alone.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 9/26/2005 02:20:00 AM
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