Censoring Myself
Michael reads my blogs from time to time. I've always felt like that was a way for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings to him that I would never be brave enough to tell him in person. He can also be rather intimidating to talk to. He's much more intelligent and accomplished than I am, and while he does nothing to put himself above me, I am often more self-aware than I'd like to be with him. In the past, I've written things that were harsh. Several months ago, I wrote a blog in which I said I hated him. In fact, I did hate some things that he had done or failed to do. We were in marriage counseling at the time, and it wasn't going well. We stopped going when our pastor told us he felt it was doing more harm than good. He was right. Things improved greatly between us once we stopped re-hashing all of our problems week after week for one hellacious hour.Last night, Michael was brave enough to reveal to me that reading that post really made him uncomfortable. I told him that I thought this blog was my place to write my feelings and be completely open and honest with myself and anyone else who might be going through something similar, or who could offer support. I couldn't sleep last night. I knew that what I had written was true, and that in many ways I still carry anger about things from the past, or things that I still believe are true and problematic.
I got up early this morning and called in sick to work for the morning. I deleted the post Michael was referring to. I read it before I deleted it. It was raging mad, and I could still feel the vibrations of my anger through the words on the screen. I hit delete. It asked "are you sure"? It asked "Do you want to permanently delete it?" I hit "yes" and it was gone.
I then thought about M. and what I had written this week about our friendship. I thought I was doing the same thing I had once done when I wrote about Michael. Once again, I re-read the post and heard my frustration through the words. I felt love for M. in my heart, but that certainly didn't come across in my words. I had wanted to get my feelings out so much more than I had wanted to hurt M. I did do some things intentionally. I wanted to open her eyes and shake her so she would stop engaging in so many self-destructive behaviors and stop getting stuck in cycles that put her back in the dark places she's been before. But that is not my job. That's God job to perfect us. I had done to M. the same thing I had done to Michael. I had hurt two of the most important people in my life with my anger.
I deleted the post I had written about M. In her mind, it was too little, too late. Damage done. She's right.
This blog was originally a place for me to vent and share my feelings about all kinds of things and people. The problem is that I didn't think I had to censor myself. I was wrong. There is no such thing as free speech. All speech carries a price tag of some kind.
One of my students advised me regarding what her father who is a preacher tells his parishioners: "Stop, Drop, and Roll" before you vent anger. Just like you are on fire and trying to save your life. Stop what you are doing and what you are saying. Drop your defensiveness and drop to your knees and pray. Roll on in a different direction.
From now on, I will try not to write things that may hurt my husband and friends. I will try to vent my anger and frustration in different ways. I will try to be more positive. But now I don't know how or where I will be able to express my anger, and I'm worried about keeping it inside. I know, I know - go exercise. Greeeeeeaaaaaat. Exercise. Yup. Exercise. We'll see.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 9/16/2005 01:30:00 PM
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