Random Observations on (In)Fertility
I realized this morning as I was sitting on the toilet exhausted from way too little sleep (now that's a great blog-opener right there) that it has now been well over two months since I took my basal temperature every morning to see if maybe I had ovulated that month.I realized that despite having bought a fancy-fangled digital ovulation predictor with expensive pee-strips you use every morning and insert into the monitor to test your level of hormones - I have not used it this month at all. If I ovulated, I don't know it. If I did, great. If not, well, that's one more crusty 'ol egg stuck up in there that isn't coming out for anything.
My ovaries and uterus and the relative functionality of either of those pieces-parts (parts is parts) does not determine my usefulness as a woman, a wife, or a human being. It also will not determine my life satisfaction. This year, my mother lost a good chunk of her breast to cancer. She is now slightly lop-sided, bruised beyond recognition with a black and blue breast now also burnt and blistered and scarred from radiation. She had tubal ligation years ago. She feels no less of a woman. When my grandmother had a mastectomy due to breast cancer when I was in college, she informed us that breasts do not define you as a woman. I learned then not to define myself by the presence or absence of my feminine parts. It would be years later (as in, uh, now) that I would learn about not defining myself via their function or dysfunction. I am not a dysfunctional woman. I am just different. 5-10% of all women have PCOS. Many don't know it until they have fertility problems. Many are undiagnosed and frustrated with irregular cycles, raging libidos, adult acne, excess facial and body hair, depression, anxiety, allergies, asthma - and so on - all symptoms of PCOS.
I realized that this month was the first month in a long time that I did not chart out the days planning when would be a good time to TTC (try to conceive) or BD (baby dance).
I realized that this month I have stayed away completely from my old online PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) support group and the endless chatter about cycle days, Metformin dosages, Clomiphene, difficult husbands, cervical mucus, basal temperatures, injections, crying over BFN (big fat negatives) on PK (pregnancy kits), and the angst over realizing you are getting older and "running out of time". I guess I just wanted to "get over it" instead of re-hashing it day after day and month after month. I wanted my period to be just that - and not the feared and hated enemy.
I realized that every morning as I pop 1000 mg of Metformin, and every night as I pop 1000 more, that I do it for my health and my insulin resistance now more than I do it to aid my ovulation. I'd like to have lower testosterone levels, less excess facial hair and adult acne. I take my meds so I can be healthy. I don't take them anymore with the prayer of "Dear God, please let me conceive this month". Now, I thank God for another day that I'm not diabetic.
I realized I feel pretty O.K. about being an infertile couple. There are times it still hurts a great deal. There are times I wish it would have upset Michael too. But I also realized that I haven't cried this month about infertility. That is a giant step in the right direction.
I may have written this before, but I'm starting to feel like we are special in some way. Our specialness as a couple is the only thing that has catapulted us into becoming pre-adoptive foster parents. Our uniqueness as a couple may very well be the only reason that one child (or two) will get to have a permanent family. God was counting on us. Even before we were born, he knew we would do this. He knew we would make certain choices, and that together we would struggle. He knew that Michael would not want to have children. He knew that I would put it off until I was stable - and that by then my ovaries would be too filled with cysts. We are very blessed to be in the position we are in. I feel more like we are fulfilling a grand purpose - far beyond the daily grind of my job, and far beyond the daily stressors.
Infertility isn't the evil monster it once was.
It's fascinating that we were reading about David and Goliath in Sunday school.
I feel like in many ways, this was a Goliath for me.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 9/15/2005 09:10:00 AM
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