Mourning Sickness or Morning Sickness?
*sigh* For the past few days, I've been nauseus in the shower. I've been exhausted and restless and feeling just plain worn out. And I haven't done squat.
It occurred to me that I have pseduo-morning sickness. I might even have mourning sickness. Every morning I still choke down 1000 mg of Metformin and every night I choke down another 1000 mg more. I no longer take the fancy-fangled fish-oil prescription pre-natal vitamins that my skinny OB/GYN prescribed. They smelled (and tasted) like fish and cost $40 a month. Even sans fish-pills, I still feel queasy in the morning. I gave up on taking Clomid. I just can't go through the crazies I've heard other women talk about. I just don't think God wants me to do these artificial insemination attempts that my RE says are our "first step" - followed, of course by invitro which would pad his fat little wallet with another 10K.
It didn't help matters that with the increase in my Metformin dosage, it's still been 33 days since my last cycle, and no sign of it coming any time soon. I see my GP in early October, and he has said if the testosterone levels aren't down, we will ditch the Metformin and go with another class of insulin-sensitizing drugs. Oh joy. I can't wait. More new meds and a whole new batch of side effects. As if it wasn't bad enough to get used to a medication whose biggest side effect was (and I quote directly from my CVS printout: "loose stools". Loose stools my ass (word play intended). It was more like minor explosions that could probably be heard around the block. Even the cats would run to the bathroom door and wonder what was going on. And talk about just like the commercial that goes "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now...", it was just like that - only it wasn't having to pee. Eeeew. It was horrible.
I think this waiting for our first placement has given me this sickness. I think my body believes it it pregnant. I am eating very strange things and the things I used to like to eat are no longer as appealing. I have really, really wanted bologna. I have eaten more bologna sandwiches than I care to admit. With ketchup - it has to be with ketchup. On the flip side, last night we ordered pizza. I love pizza. I love Papa John's pizza and the garlic dipping sauce for the crusts. That stuff is evil. I hate to admit it, but I can chow down on some pizza. But last night, I ate 3 pieces and was very, very full. It was hard to eat the third piece. (stop laughing - there are perfectly wonderful people who eat more than that) Instead of feeling satisfied, I felt weird. Today at lunch, I tried a BBQ sandwich. It did not taste good either. The fries I usually love just didn't do it for me. Very weird.
My face is breaking out. It is bad. It is teen-age lumps underneath the skin bad. I even got a big zit on my freakin' earlobe - on that hard little flap of cartilidge that juts out into the middle of your ear. What tha? The Metformin was supposed to make these symptoms of PCOS better, not worse. It is bad enough I am considering seeing a dermatologist. When I ask my GP, he seems to shrug it off as a symptom of the PCOS. I am tired of being 34 with acne. There, I said it. I am tired of zits!
Yup - mourning sickness. I really, really wanted to have children with Michael. It f-in sucks that we can't do that. It sucks that we don't just have an extra 20K lying around to be able to afford to go to an adoption agency and fly around the world and do an international adoption. It sucks that we had to find all this crap-ola so late in life. I sucks that I want my husband to be enough. Why can't it just be enough for it to be the two of us? He said to me once back when we were dating that he didn't understand why he wasn't enough - and why I felt I needed to haev children. He said he hoped that one day he would be enough. I know now he wishes he'd never said it. But sometimes those words just echo in my brain and I hear it over and over and over.
I got a call from our social worker asking if we wanted to do respite care for a group of 3 siblings - 21 month old twin boys and a 7 month old little girl. I was so angry when she said it would be "good practice" for Michael and I and "break us in". What tha? Still, I said OK. These kids were just placed a week ago. Had it just been the twins, we might have gotten the call. We said we'd take 2 if they were siblings. These kids are bi-racial too. I could take twins. My heart really sank. I don't want to be a babysitter! This feels so unfair! I want to lash out but there is no one there to lash out AT. My husband is actually nice and loving and supportive these days. Ironically, he's one of my favorite people to be around now. I don't even want to lash out at him. *sigh* It's the mourning sickness. I thought it was gone. It reared it's ugly head as soon as Melanie called with the "Do you want to babysit?" question. All in a matter of seconds I got my hopes up and then - psych! No! It was just a babysitting call. Ugh. I hate waiting. All these families that they say they have such a desperate need for, the urgent rush to get things in and do the home visits - and now.....(crickets chirping)....nothing. The crib is collecting dust. Baby clothes no longer smell like Dreft. They smell like closet.
****Fast forward an hour while I talk to the girl I'm doing care for this weekend*******
Oh, I just went from tired to officially pissed. She's single, and can't get off work on the weekends, and "can't find daycare that will do weekends". I do not feel sorry for her. I am pissed. Why didn't they put those kids with someone who had their stuff together enough to actually take them all? She sounds horribly young. She wants to adopt. She had asked for a 4 and 5 year old. Our worker called her last week to take these 3 kids. She said okay. The kids came with nothing, of course. She complained about that. OMG! And she sounded shocked that I wanted her to PAY us! I was NICE about it and said I would do it for HALF the daily rate of the 3 kids. Here in KY, that would be $30 a day for ALL of them together. I was nice because it will not be overnight stays. She was like "that's a lot and I haven't even gotten any clothing reimbursement yet". Well, boo hoo for you. You shouldn't do this if you can't afford it! AAAAAHHHHH. I want to help the kids, really I do. But there are 3 of them, and she can't even be with them because of her work, and now she's trying to get someone to take them on weekends. This isn't even a temporary thing - she was hoping we could do this EVERY WEEKEND!! Um, no. No. No. No. I had to ASK her to bring formula. I had to ASK her to bring diapers. I was afraid she was going to expect me to buy that stuff. Un, no. I will buy that stuff for MY kids, MY placements.
OK, I know I'm sounding really, really bitchy here, but I am frustrated and I need to vent so bad. I't 5:45 and I can't go home yet because I don't want to bite poor Michael's head off and he has no idea what I've gone and gotten us into. I want to be selfish. I want to be a higher priority. This girl said she got certified in July and this was her first placement. And suddenly she has 3 kids. She couldn't answer any questions about them because she said when the worker brought them the kids were screaming so "she didn't hear a word that woman said". Lovely. Just lovely. Oh, and to top if off, AFTER I said yes and AFTER I told her where we live and when to drop them off she told me the boys have runny noses. She claims they are allergies and that the doctor gave her a prescription for Zyrtec for them, but that she hasn't gotten the script yet. Lovely.
Well, I will keep my loyal reader updated as my weekend progresses.
Reminder to self - this is a test, this is only a test.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 9/23/2005 05:50:00 PM
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