The Dreaded Call
Howard and Autumn are going to go live with relatives. The approval was signed yesterday and their worker called me. I had left my cell phone at home, so I didn't get the message until I returned her call last night at 9. We decided we didn't want to interrupt Howard's plans for an exciting Halloween weekend, so the removal from our house will be Monday at 5:30 after we get off work and pick them up from daycare. Part of me wishes they would just come get them, but part of me is glad we get to enjoy the holiday with them. It will be Autumn's first Halloween, and she is going to be a pumpkin.I cried a lot last night. I cried myself to sleep. It didn't help that yesterday my period had started, so it was like every atom in the universe and every cell in my body was reminding me that I can't have children. Through the tears, I cried out to Michael that this isn't fair that people who can never care for their children get to have as many as they like and we have to go through all this in order to just adopt.
If anyone is reading this and considering foster-to-adopt, please understand we will still continue to do this. It hurts so incredibly bad, but it feels so incredibly good. I had more joy this week than I have in so long. God blessed us with two beautiful kids for one great week plus the weekend to come. We learned a lot as well.
We now know how to give every 3 hour feedings. I know how to comfort a seemingly inconsolable baby. We know how to sign up for WIC, how to redeem vouchers, how to inspect a daycare, and how to sign children up. We know how to get a picky 4-year old to eat. We know Barney songs, and Bob the Builder. We know how to change and dress a squirming 2-month old in the middle of the night without the lights on. We know how to sterilize bottles and make formula and warm bottles.
We will keep on doing this. One reason I am sure of this is what my dear husband said last night as he looked into my face as tears were streaming down it. He calmly said, "I truly believe we are doing the Lord's work here." And while that didn't make me stop crying, I was able to nod my head and agree. There is more to this venture than merely getting children that will someday be ours. It's about taking care of children who need us. Period. That's really what foster care is supposed to be. And being foster-to-adopt parents means first that you are a foster parent. We may see many, many children come into and out of our home over the next few years. Some may eventually stay.
I'm not going to overlook the fact that this may also be God's way of allowing us to learn and save up money so that one day we can afford a private or international adoption. I won't try to read the mind of the almighty. I'm not that dumb.
If you are considering fostering to adopt, know they will not tell you how painful the process is. They will tell you it is "hard". "Hard" is a horribly simplistic way of putting it. Calculus is hard. Nuclear physics is hard. Fostering to adopt is excruciating and gut-wrenching. It is perhaps the most difficult way I know of to try to adopt a child. But in the meantime, we get to point to the Lord enough to make a mark on things. We get to bless His name unapologetically. We get to leave a legacy.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 10/28/2005 09:28:00 AM
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