Learning About Love
There have been moments in my life where I've stated before that "I never really knew what love was all about until..."Actually, the Manhattan Transfer song "Until I Met You" explains a lot:
I used to be so fancy free, but really lonesome as can be
Then one lucky day you came my way
I never really knew what love was all about until I met you...
Well I dropped my heart now and bent it
Said a few sincere words
Never dreamin' that I meant it
To tell you the truth, I never,ever really meant to begin it
How can you explain true love?
How can I disdain true love?
Love is real exciting it's so exciting
That when it turned me around I didn't feel like fighting
It wouldn't a caught me
Except when I saw you I was surer than sure
This really couldn't be
But whaddaya know
It really was so!
I'm ready for settlin' right down
No more runnin' around
And that's the truth, really the truth,
Really ain't puttin' on no act, really a fact.
Really this ain't no time f'jivin'
'Cause what I'm tellin' y' really comes right from this heart of mine
An' lemme tell ya there's an awful lot a sacrifice to lay it on the line
What's this thing people call love
Something nobody has too much of
This game all misunderstand, but play it
One thing's sure; Love's what I'm in
Unloose cupid's bow, let it begin
That's it! Let that madness start!
There goes my heart!
It's got me stumblin', it's got me mumblin'
I'm like a ship without a rudder, a car without wheels
Unless ya feel it, I can't reveal it
Ya gotta have it happen to ya to know how it feels
One thing's sure; Love has got me
I'm as certain as certain can be
I'm yours 'til eternity
From the day that we met
When you showed on the set
I remember it yet
I was knocked out
I took one look at you
And what else could I do
Love walked in and I knew
There was no doubt
No, no doubt
I love you, yes, I sure do, yes, I love you
Yes, you know it
I know that you knew from the start
It is amazing how we've put our hearts on the line - but then again, it really isn't that astonishing. I've been growing up - realizing the many ways in which "this isn't all about ME", healing from the past, appreciating the present, and welcoming the future with open arms.
While Michael was away this weekend enjoying himself at his conference in Dallas, my girlfriend Megan drove up for a break for herself and to help me out around the house. Sugar Cookie had her good times this weekend, and her (ahem) "challenging" times of crying and fussing. One night, she cried for a solid half-hour (I realize how pitifully short a time period this is if you are a parent who deals with a colicky baby) until she collapsed asleep in my arms in bed.
What is astonishing about that scenario is that I have no patience. None. Patience is not one of my spiritual gifts. And I am selfish. And I get headaches. But I calmly went about brushing my teeth, putting laundry in the dryer and a new load into the wash, taking my pills, changing into pyjamas - all while Sugar Cookie "cried it out" in her crib after my numerous failed attempts to hold her and comfort her. When I picked her up and carried her to bed, her tiny face was soaked with tears, and I still held her to me as she flailed her tiny (albeit powerful) limbs into my chest and stomach. Still, I petted her head and whispered to her "I love you". As she calmed down, I drifted off to sleep and wondered how I was able to manage.
I managed because I know that I'm it. I'm all she had (well, and Auntie Megan). And I guess I understand crying. I've done it a lot in my short life. There are also many times that no amount of comforting or holding helps, and I've just needed to "cry it out". Now, I don't believe a 4-month old has much capacity for self-soothing, and I perfer the holding method over the "let her cry" method. But this was one time where I fully understood that I was not a bad mother for not being able to stop her crying. I am still not sure why she had such bad moments this weekend.
I do know, however, that when "Daddy" came home last night, all was well with Sugar Cookie's world again. She had not slept well all weekend, but last night she slept between us in bed and woke up at 3:00 to eat and 6:30 to poop. And by the time I left the house at 8:30, both Daddy and baby were fast asleep - the smaller on top of the larger's chest - and both were snoring.
I felt a lot of love for both of them in that moment. I wished I could have crawled back in bed and joined them, but they needed that time to re-connect. It must have been very comforting for her to have her "pillow" back. And it must have been comforting to him to be back into the routine.
I suppose I'm just now learning what love is. I think I'm one of the lucky ones who gets to learn more about it the not-so-easy way.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 4/10/2006 01:56:00 PM
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