Just Cruisin'
Here's a bit about what's going on and what's coming up for our little family:We got a huge box of clothes for Sugar Cookie from my MIL yesterday. She and my SIL have been shopping for the baby and have picked out truly adorable outfits. My favorite outfit in this assortment was one that will make her look like a baby watermelon - complete with red hat with "seeds" on it. Also in the box was a baby Big Bird bath mit that Cookie couldn't stop staring at and cracking up laughing. I guess she really liked it.
My mom also sent a box of Easter presents for Sugar Cookie. In the box was a cute easter layette set with duckie socks and bib. She also sent a set of books in the shape of balls with soft pleather covers that look and feel like the type of ball - and the stories talk about teamwork or being a good sport. But the gift that Michael enjoyed most of all was a baby t-shirt from the University of South Florida bookstore that was a USF bulls green and yellow t-shirt (Michael got his MA and PhD there).
Cookie is doing much better health-wise, but the ear infection really threw off her sleep patterns, so we've been up a bit more at night than we had been. We are able to get her to sleep by about 8, but she will likely wake up at some point before we go to sleep, at which point I will feed and change her so she is freshly full and changed and will let us sleep as long as possible. Most of the time that works well. This morning she woke up around 6:15, and since I had showered last night and set out my clothes I was intent on sleeping until 7 and running out of the house just in time to make it to work even a few minutes late, I was not a happy camper. But, I picked her up and carried her to bed and gave her a bottle, and she fell asleep cuddled up next to me. Next thing I knew the alarm had gone off. I crawled out of bed and left her sleeping with Michael (who I did wake up to take the trash down to the street in time for garbage collection - God forbid the can-o-diapers had to stay full another week).
Starting tomorrow afternoon, I will be on my own with Sugar Cookie until Sunday night. Michael is going to a conference in Texas, and I elected not to take vacation days to join him. I wish I would have, but having been sick I really need to watch the amount of time I take off work now. My friend Megan will likely be here this weekend, barring some deluge of unexpected homework in her classes. I'm looking forward to her being here, and to her help in getting at least a couple of rooms in my house clean. We used to clean my apartment together - top to bottom - at least once a month. We'd have snacks, and music on and the windows open, and just enjoy each other's company and a good workout. I'd pass along some pocket-money in exchange for her help, and it was a benefit for both of us all around. I'm hoping that baby is content enough to let us do something like that this weekend. Of course, there is a lot more house than there was apartment, and with a baby who needs fed and held and amused, its a whole lot more work.
We have our quarterly visit with our social worker on April 11th. She'll make sure we haven't stock-piled weapons or let rodents take over the house, and we will review our goals and wether or not we are ready to get on the list to take mroe children. That's an easy answer - um, no. Sugar Cookie is wonderful, and with both of us working full time jobs, its tough to get to spend enough time with her and enjoy her development. Until she is our daughter forever, we've pretty much committed to not taking any more children. Our backs and tired minds and cluttered abode just can't take much more anyway.
On May 11th, we get to take our first big trip with the baby. My SIL is graduating with her second BA degree from the Univ. of Southern Miss, and we will be traveling to Michael's hometown of Laurel, MS to attend graduation and hang out with the family. We feel secure enough in the hope that Cookie will one day be our daughter that we are risking her meeting the family. This is a big deal for everyone - in many ways they are already in love with her, and after loving on her for a weekend, it will undoubtedly seal the deal. But - we figure now's as good a time as any, and she's getting so big that we don't want them to miss out on seeing her as a baby. Since my MIL doesn't/won't fly, this might be the only time she has to meet the baby for some time. We're still debating wether to fly or drive. Only NW Airlines flies into Laurel/Hattiesburg, so we are stuck with whatever price the airline is listing at, and right now it is $340 each with tax (yikes). But the drive would be a long 10 hours (610 miles) each way with a baby (double yikes). I don't know what we'll decide to do.
Mother's Day is May 14th. This will be the first year I will celebrate being a mom. I can't wait.
May 15th is the 60-day deadline for Cookie's social worker to file the 161 packet petitioning for a date for termination of parental rights. So far we haven't heard anything, which right now is good news. For now, we cruise.
My girlfriend is getting a major breast-reduction on May 17th. I am incredibly jealous. I want small, perky boobs that point OUT, not down! You go, girl.
May 19th is my 35th birthday - the day is special because that is the day that I promised myself years ago that if I didn't have a child and wasn't pregnant, that I would put everything I had into adopting a child. Well, there you go - see how God works? That day will be my little turning point. In related news, it had been 38 days since my last cycle today, so I just HAD to go buy a pee-stick to see if anything had transpired. Nah, this morning it was a BFN. But I did not cry. I sat on the commode and sighed, flushed, and got dressed. It was just another morning. I looked at my husband in bed curled up next to Cookie and life looked so much better than it has in a long, long time. The pee stick no longer defines my existance, my life, my happiness, or my sanity. It is a line on a pee stick that means I'm not pregnant, which is no different than it was yesterday or the day before. There may never be two lines on a pee stick, but one day very soon there will be someone I can call my daughter (and/or son) who calls me "Mommy". Yup, that's all I wanted anyway, and I didn't realize that until I was IN the process. I never thought that becoming the mother to an adopted child would feel like enough. I worried I would always regret not giving birth to a child that was half of Michael's DNA and half mine. I was wrong. I already know I won't regret it. I just want to be a mom NOW - hence the impatience and the pee stick. Two lines on a pee stick means I am a mom - no more waiting for it to happen. But I'm already a very special mom, and May will be a month of many revelations.
I had a breakdown last week in which I cried (um, no...wept is more like it). I cried because I was afraid (and still am in many ways), of loosing Cookie to someone else. I'm not afraid of her going back to birth parents as that just isn't going to happen. I'm worried about some relative somewhere coming out of the woodwork or getting a bigger place so they "have enough room", or something. See, too much time has passed. Too much bonding has taken place. She is our daughter - at 15 weeks old today she has seen her birth mother twice. I have convinced myself she even has taken on our personalities in some ways. When she just can't sleep, the one place she will sleep is Michael's chest. So yeah, I freaked out. I sobbed loudly with big fat tears falling to the bed while I watched Cookie sleeping. I have never been so afraid of loosing someone. Rationally, I doubt she will leave. If I were a gambling person, I'd bet on her becoming our daughter by the end of the year. But I was neither rational nor in the mood to examine my odds. Poor Michael didn't know what to do with me, so he just rubbed my back while I cried. I think it was the best thing he could have done. I didn't want anyone to explain the reality of the situation to me - I just needed to cry about it. It is hard. This part of it will not stop being hard until her last name is the same as ours, and the judge's pen leaves the paper.
Some days I make it through because I read the stories of others who have gone before me - who have had children in and out of their home, who have successfully adopted, or who are waiting on news of TPR, or adoption finalization dates. I try to help pull those of you along who are taking your MAPP classes, or awaiting a placement, or earlier in the process of hearing about your kid's goals for adoption.
These days I can't believe how many of us there are doing this - waiting, hoping, then celebrating. The common theme I keep finding though is encouraging - there is always a celebration. Joy always comes in the morning. It ALWAYS comes. I have never read a story where someone quit and never got to adopt if that's what they truly wanted - never. I have yet to find one. Those who do this, and stick with it, end up adopting (and some many times over). That hope and those stories keep me going.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 4/04/2006 10:33:00 AM
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