OK, God - Now What?
My husband and I had a very disappointing (albeit expected) initial visit with the reproductive endocrinologist. He does not think I am ovulating regularly, even though I have monthly cycles now that I am on Metformin. But Michael's diagnosis and prognosis was even worse. Apparently, his first semen analysis in January showed only 4% of his swimmers were "normal" in morphology. This last analysis in July showed 0% - yes zero. And there exists no viable treatment option for male infertility. (Just shows you how research has always considered childbearing a woman's issue and responsibility). The head resident at UK felt that even artificial insemination would not work because there weren't enough "good sperm" as he put it. He said he thought our only chance was Invitro fertilization at $10,000. Though we have good insurance, it does not cover a penny of anything related to infertility. Even today's office visit was $180 out of pocket - for a very short visit that told me what I already knew.The main doctor said he wanted us to try three rounds of artificial insemination, and that after 3 rounds if I wasn't pregnant, then the only chance would be Invitro. Just like that. He wrote a prescription for Clomid, told me how to take it, and to come back in after I'd taken the first round to have the ultrasound, they'd show me how to inject myself, then my husband and I would come in together to do the actual insemination. The cost of all this is $500 each month.
I don't know if I can do this, or if I should. We have only been trying for a year now, but at age 34, we do not have a lot of time to try. Michael is open to doing it, or not doing it. He wants me to make the decision because it is (and always has been) more important to me. The diagnosis means nothing to him, and in some ways, I envy that. I wish it meant nothing to me. I wish I knew what to do. I wish it didn't hurt. I wish there was some black and white answer to all this.
It'd be great if God could just send an angel to appear and tell me what I should do.
I keep thinking about how I would feel if I didn't try this route. Would I always wonder "what if"? But what if we go these three rounds, pay $1500 out our own pockets, and end up with nothing but disappointment? Would I hurt worse? Wouldn't that money be better spent on a child who needed a home and a family to love him or her? I went back and looked at the faces of the children on the SNAP website. And I cried right here in my office. They are beautiful and broken and hurting - more than I am. They have no permanent family. They have been abused and abandoned by a family would could not or would not care for them. And here I am hurting because I can't even have a biological child. How dare someone abandon a child. They have no idea the gift they have been given. I keep looking at a picture of a beautiful little 3-year old girl named Jasmine. Why do I keep looking at that picture?
I can tell God's wrestling with me. I just hope he doesn't have to break my hip in order for me to get the point (Genesis 32: 24-32).
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 7/29/2005 02:30:00 PM
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