On Foster Parenting - Not Just Kittens Anymore
Occasionally, life seems remarkably good. Since Friday, I have felt better in many ways than I have in a very long time. And my life may very well change...in some ways, into a stressful, chaotic mess. Michael and I are becoming pre-adoptive foster parents. Friday afternoon was our first home visit with the social worker. We will have another visit in a couple of weeks.For three weeks now we have attended classes at the Kentucky Cabinet that have been training us for this new adventure. Our initial thought was to look into foster parenting as a transition until we could conceive our own children. Unfortunately, between my PCOS and his two tests indicating subfertility, IVF would be our only chance to conceive (if that - and we find out more this coming Friday). We made the decision to become certified to take an infant with the knowledge that if the birth family cannot be rehabilitated, we would adopt. This process will likely take at least 2 years before adoption becomes a real possibility. A court will not terminate parental rights for at least 15 months.
I am saddened by the social myth that people become foster parents for the money. Trust me, the stipend will not be nearly enough to cover the expenses we incur. We will receive a small daily allowance for the child, reimbursement for most of our daycare expenses, basic health care for the child, and WIC. If we adopt a "special needs" child, the adoption legal fees are covered by the state. Our child would also receive free college tuition in the state of Kentucky. We will be responsible for clothing, most food, and "extras". This means those $12 packs of diapers that only last a couple of days will come our of our pockets. Eating out, movies, toys, and all - out of our own pockets.
Sadly, I thought "special needs" only referred to older children, or those with physical, mental, and developmental disabilities. But "special needs" apparently also refers to bi-racial and African-American children as well - even perfectly healthy babies. We are now on the waiting list to become foster parents for one of those "special needs" bi-racial babies. (For those of you new to my blog, I am pasty-white and my husband is African-American.) We would, however, take most any child and do our best to provide a good home - despite our many weaknesses as more mortals.
There is no guarantee that this process of foster parenting will ever result in us being able to adopt. The goal of foster parenting, after all, is to provide a good home for children until they can return to their birth families. Sadly, anywhere from 25-50% of children never return home. Websites will tell you that 75% return home. Social workers will tell you about 50%. I know which one I'm more likely to believe.
On Sunday, we purchased our first baby-item. We bought a car seat. I'm not sure my husband knew just how close I came to hyperventilating. But we did get a good deal - an Eddie Bauer car seat for $40 - in Big Lots. God bless Big Lots.
You might be wondering why we made this purchase so soon. After all, our classes don't end until August 11th. Well, tomorrow night we are getting fingerprinted, and after that is completed, our file and mounds of paperwork will be finished. When the social worker was about to leave our house, I asked her if we should hold off on buying a crib until we hear something. She said, "No, you should go ahead and buy a crib - at least a bassinet or something. Oh, and you should buy a car seat." And just like that - she was out the door. Over the course of our conversation, we learned that we could get a call as soon as our fingerprints have been run - even before our social worker has typed up our profile. At most, we will probably have a child placed with us within 3 months.
So, this week I will be fighting the heat in the parking lot and trying to install a car seat (after appropriately cleaning out the assorted junk that has taken residence in my back seat). Sometime in the next few weeks, we will also be buying a crib and mattress (unless we arrange to borrow one from someone at church). I'm also assuming a stroller will also be in order. Depending on age, we'll buy the obligatory high chair as well. The expenses seem astronomical, yet we will have to save receipts to "prove" we spent money on the child. (Imagine not spending it on the child? How on earth does that happen?) I also imagine that once the child arrives, we will purchase a second car seat for our other car. Friends have told me you do NOT want to keep swapping a car seat from one car to the next, or find yourself stuck somewhere without one and needing to tote a child from point A to point B.
The assortment of baby accoutrements astounds me. I was mystified as I stood in Wal-Mart trying to make sense of the various types of car seats for various sizes of children. I left convinced I would own no fewer than 10 car seats by the time my child no longer required one. Crib shopping on line has become like a disease to me. I am convinced I will find one that can be delivered to my door for a reasonable price if I just look at enough websites. I need to be slapped. Someone just needs to tell me to take $300, pick one, and have it delivered. Oh, and they don't come with a mattress either - that's extra! Can you imagine going shopping for a bed and having someone tell you the price is just for the headboard, rails, and boxspring?
Our guest bedroom is a far cry from child-friendly. There is a dresser with a mirror, another small chest of drawers, and a nightstand by a twin bed. There is one large book case and a small bookcase underneath the window. The closet is completely full of Michael's clothes and baseball cards (baseball cards also fill the larger bookcase). There is no cable in that room, but there is a small desk-top stereo. There is no color scheme whatsoever. It has been more of a storage room and the room my girlfriend, Megan, crashes in when she comes to visit. It certainly needs improvement. It at least needs some color and life in it. The beige curtains and black and white Ansel Adams prints on the walls look more like people who are trying to keep children away.
We have much to do and much to learn. We will have little to no warning. The most warning we would get would be if a newborn would need to go into foster care within a few days when it was ready to leave the hospital. Most likely, it will be a call in the middle of the night to come to Child Protective Services. Until then, we will keep working as usual and keep trying to "get ready" the best ways we know how.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 7/25/2005 04:00:00 PM
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