The Way the Cookie Crumbles
This cookie didn't crumble on it's own. I had to break it into its various pieces. It reminds me of my marriage. I'm always willing to accept responsibility for the good things that happen, or the progress that is made. I am much less willing to acknowledge the ways that my behaviors have led to the brokenness we experience as a couple.I've been behaving better lately. I don't pick fights with my husband the way I have in the past. I used to like the attention, the intensity, and the making up. When he raised his voice with me and looked me straight in the eyes, it confirmed that he was alive and felt something. But now, I'm feeling more settled. I'm settling and grappling with the contradictions between the pop culture expression and its literal meaning.
Kurt ( a fellow blogger and bibliophile) reminds us that settling is often our choice. It is a lie when we women (and some men) say we do not want to settle. We get married because we want to settle (although it could be argued that most of us truly have no clue what we want when we marry). He reminded me that settling means establishing something permanent and stable. Yes, Kurt, that is indeed what I was seeking in my marriage - the whole "'til death do us part" thing that my husband was so reluctant to have in our wedding vows. He scoffed, "I cannot promise you that - it's the stuff of prophets. I can only promise to try. That is all." But on many levels, he was so right. We can promise to try. I'm not even sure we can promise to give it our best. (I can't even tell my boss that).
Kurt wrote that "[T]aken literally, 'I don't want to settle,' means, 'I don't want to establish anything permanent.'" I tried to argue with him in my head, and then I tried to create new semantic rules. I imagined a new genre of wedding songs with titles like, "My love, I'm settling for you." Or, "Settle Along With Me" (a la Mary Chapin Carpenter).
So, what don't I want then, if it's settling that I do want?
Um, I want to live - so I guess dying - yeah - I don't want to die. Ah, but we are all dying. We are terminal - and our disease will allow us to eek out about 75 years on this planet. Damn. I'll try again.
Ah, to have the best - yes, I want the best. So, I guess that means I don't want less than perfect things. But I am less than perfect, as is my husband. And I expected him to want me as flawed as I am, and I wanted him too. Flawed argument there. Strike two.
She takes a deep breath and tries yet again. OK, I want to get what I deserve. Yes, I deserve all the things I listed in a previous post. I deserve all of it! (Insert righteous indignation here). Tamara pauses to think about what she truly deserves. She can think of little. Even her government only promises her life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. They don't even promise I will be happy - but I can sure try. So, basically, I deserve a shot. A chance. And that's exactly what my husband gave me. He has tried. And he hasn't gone anywhere. Perhaps I got exactly what I deserved.
Perhaps this settling thing is alright. Maybe my ex-husband was right when he said that no one will ever be able to make me happy because me expectations are too high. Maybe my ex-boyfriend, Keith, was right when he told me that no one would ever be able to put me on a pedestal high enough to satisfy me. Maybe I really wasn't ready then to settle.
It's been over a week since I had sex (since we came back from Cincinnati). I haven't begged for it, and when my husband showed no interest, I went to bed. And I haven't bitched and blamed and argued. I haven't slept well either - but that is my fault. I relied too much on sexual fulfillment to "help" me fall asleep at night, and not enough on just enjoying falling asleep because I'm tired. I think I like being married to my husband more than I like sex. I really miss having a great sex life. I've thought about having an affair, but I remember what it did to me the first time I was married. I think for now I'll just settle for/with with my crumbled cookie. He's funny, damn sexy, and (on most days) sane.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 7/12/2005 01:30:00 PM
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