My Pre-Midlife Crisis

The Story of My Ex-Husband

On a muggy Florida afternoon in the fall of 1987, I walked into a choir room to meet my fellow performers in the college show choir (Ah - visions of red sequins and tuxedo-clad geek boys and big hair for everyone). The geekiest boy of all was Brian - all 6 foot 4 of him - lanky but chubby in all the wrong places. He was all arms and legs and no ass (I mean negative assage - the kind that actually curves inward). But there was also a Paddington Bear-like quality about him that screamed "Take me home and feed me". He claimed that when he finished college, he was going to go to New York and become and actor. I admired his chutzpah. He had done a lot of acting in community theatre, and I took him up on an offer to see him in Caught in the Villain's Web - a kitschy melodrama (is that redundant?). I toted my little brother along for the ride, and we went out for Chinese food after the show. Brian considered that our first date because as he exited my car at the end of the evening, he gave me a little kiss. "Eeeeeeewwwww", exclaimed my brother from the backseat. Brian and I hung out together for a few months, then I dropped him for Keith - a cute French horn player in the orchestra (OK, so I had a weakness for musicians). It was a temporary trade-up. Keith ended up being an odd bird himself, but I'll tackle him in another blog.

Fast-forward to the summer of 1991. I was still "sort-of" with Keith (whom my parents detested) and home for the summer from UF. One evening, I was watching Love Connection with my dad when a local commercial came on for a carpet and flooring store in a city just south of where we lived. The spokesperson for the commercial was none other than Brian. Oh dear Lord. And I had to get in touch with him. (Anyone who knows me knows full well the lengths I will go to once I set my mind to something.) I called information for the city he used to live in, and got his sister-in-law who gave me his phone number. I called his apartment, and got his roomate, Randy (an appropriately named chap who told me I had "nice jugs" within moments of meeting me the first time - and who ended up being the best man at our wedding) who offered to date me (sight unseen) if Brian wasn't interested. Oh mercy. Seemed Brian was in a rehearsal at a theatre in my hometown for their summerstock series. He was appearing in a summerstock production of Working, the musical based on the Studs Terkel ethnography. They called him out of rehearsal to take my call. He had no idea who this "Tammy" was who was calling him. It took a while for him to figure out who I was. He and a fellow actor stopped by after rehearsal that night, and we spent some time catching up. I liked how he looked - grown up a little, and I was on the prowl anyway. This was a recipe for disaster, and the disaster started in my driveway with a kiss. The next few nights repeated the same pattern. A few nights out a karaoke bars, and the summer was coming to a close. I had to go back to school. And I had to tell Keith. What transpired over the next few months was nothing short of a tornadic.

Three weeks after I returned to school, Brian came up to visit me over the weekend and proceeded to ask me to marry him (sitting there on the sofa with the two of us in our pajamas). He produced the tiniest "engagement ring" I had ever seen. (I was embarrassed to show it to anyone it was so small). Weeeeee! My head was spinning and I said "Yes" and that was that. The next week, he packed up all of his belongings into his car and moved into an apartment that I paid the deposit on for him in Gainesville. It was a 1-bedroom, 1-window studio apartment in Sundown apartments (where you really didn't want to be when the sun went down, coincidently). Unable to hold it in, I announced to my parents over the phone about 2 months later that Brian was living in Gainesville now and we were getting married. They were less-than-pleased. He had not finished school - in fact, he had only managed to earn several music credits in 4 years of community college. He was eeking out an existence mooching off everyone in sight.

The next weekend, my father and my pastor (I am not kidding) drove the 3 hours north and while I was at school (unbeknownst to me) took every last one of my possessions out of my place and dumped them in big black plastic garbage bags on Brian's apartment doorstep (he was inside - but did not come to the door). I got back from class to find the mess. My parents demanded I drive the car back home I was driving (it was in their name) and relinquish it, or they threatened to come get it. I did as I was told, and they sent me home on the bus. A girlfriend came with me for support. My parents had also gone to the bank and closed out my checking account (which my mother had her name on). Oh, the control freaks they were/are.

Brian and I lived on hamburger helper and cereal (it was cheaper then) in that one room apartment with my cat. He was working as a carpet cleaner with Stanley Steamer. But that lasted only a few months because Brian found it too demanding to get up so early in the morning and come home so late, and work so many hours (oooh, poor thing). He then took to a string of telemarketing jobs. I had to drop out of school because everything I had was gone and I couldn't pay the tuition. I took a job temping as a secretary and finally got a full-time job as a secretary at Shands Hospital. The next year we moved into a nice 1-bedroom apartment a few miles away. I declare we did not even need a moving truck. We strapped whatever we couldn't fit into his car trunk to the roof of the car and made multiple trips. Nice, real nice. Eventually, Brian got a job as an apprentice optician and he seemed to like it. We started to be able to save up money.

A few months later I returned from a conference in Miami and decided I wanted to go back to grad school...and move to Memphis to do it at UM. Brian, of course, thought "Cool." Six months later we moved and I started back on my Master's degree there. Brian got a job at an optical store, but was quit within weeks because he claimed the people "were out to get him". Eventually, he was able to get a job with Lenscrafters and all seemed to be okay. But bills piled up with me in school full time and only making $5,500 a year in graduate assistant stipend for 2 years. I got my first credit card to help up "get through". Brian started making cash advances to go to Tunica to gamble. He also loved to take his paycheck to Horseshoe casino to cash it there because you got a scratch off card to win double your paycheck (of course, he never did). he would "pocket" his paycheck minus whatever he took out to gamble with, which was usually $100 or so. I would go with him and friends of ours on occasion. What started as a once in a while thing became bi-monthly, weekly, and then multiple times a week. It was the beginning of the end. I had depressive panick attacks so bad I would black out. Still, I pressed on. In 1995 I had an affair - and denied it when Brian asked about it.

By the time 1996 rolled around and we moved to Denver so I could do my PhD, it was long over between my husband and I. He moved out in 1997 to go back home to FL to live with his sister, but returned several months later. During that time, I was in grad school full time and teaching 2 classes per quarter to pay for tuition and earn a whopping stipend of $7500 a year. Brian worked for Lenscrafters in Denver and then Sears Optical - and earned $30K a year. So, our combined household income those 3 years in Denver was less than 40K before taxes. And he lived and spent like there was no tomorrow. We left Denver in 1999 and I was ABD (all but dissertation) on my PhD and I took at job at Columbus State University as a new professor. My starting salary in 1999 was $35,500 a year to teach 4 classes a semester. I had to teach summers as well to help make ends meet.

Brian worked 20 hours a week at the Sears optical in Columbus for a few weeks, then took a full time job at Eyeglass World. He was fired several months later for insubordination. He was out of work for months. He took a job in the mall managing the World of Science store. They were bought out by Natural Wonders and he was let go. Again, no work for months. He took a job as manager of Walden Books in the same mall. He decided to quit after he was written up several times and threatened with termination. He finally found a job with Valley Rescue Mission overseeing their thrift stores. They even gave him an old car to drive.

But by the end of 2000 we were $45K in debt on 8 different credit cards. I was too proud to declare bankruptcy and I didn't want that in my history. I wanted to clean up my own mess - so we handed over our cards to a consumer credit counseling group and started the process of digging out of debt that will end this October. 3 more payments and I wil be free of every bit of debt I had with that man. I imagine I will not know what to do with myself.

The pressure was simply too much, and I filed for divorce in 2001 with his knowledge. He even came to the lawyer's office in lieu of being served the papers. We wrote the settlement agreement there together in the lawyer's office. It was so easy, it was frightening. Shortly thereafter, Brian was terminated from his job with Valley Rescue Mission and opted once again to move back to Florida. This time he moved in with him mom. He took all of his clothes and our big TV, his game system and games, and our computer and printer (remember - I was trying to finish my PhD - and now I had no computer in my house, and I was broke).

Brian quickly met Stacy via an online dating service. He started seeing her when he was living with his mom, and then quickly moved in with Stacy. They got married 2 weeks before I married Michael. Interesting how the world works. She was the Assistant Manager of the Disney store in the mall down there, but she lost her job when the store closed. She now works at FYE. Brian had held several jobs in optical stores adn continues to do community theatre - and he makes about $200-$500 per show. He seems terrifically happy. So, when I called him earlier this week to ask about some paperwork - he revealed what will be his latest (mis)adventure. He continues to be a source of great entertainment, at least.

posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 7/14/2005 08:33:00 AM