baby development

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

TMI I'm Sure

I haven't had a period in 76 days.
The two before that were 50 days apart.
At least I spend less on feminine products
(which I make up for in buying pee sticks "just to make sure").

It's funny - we got Cookie on December 22nd of last year, and though my cycles had been regulated thanks to daily 2000 mg of Metformin, they stopped being so regular. Now they have stopped indefinatley. DH has been taking Clomiphene to help his swimmers - um, yeah, only there's been nothing for them to swim towards.

Damn PCOS. I hate you.

Even funnier is how good I feel these days. I had some dark moments when I started this blog. I had posts I deleted thanks to loving cyberfriends who advised me to. I deleted a post in which I actually wrote that I hated my husband. The fact is, I truly did that day/week/month. I told very few people.

I am having great days. I have dark ones too. For example, a student cussed at me over email yesterday and it had me in tears because it tore down so much of what I love about teaching. Today I find him offensive, crude, and ignorant - and not worth my time. Today is a pretty good day. I had Thai food for lunch, and I get to pick up Cookie in a few hours and give her kisses.

But I haven't cried about being infertile. In fact, when I went to the doctor on Monday I felt quite at peace. I'm not at much of an increased cancer risk for not having regular cycles. It's likely the ovarian cysts, or a tubal blockage, or both. Or I'm going into early menopause (which he doubts). The doctor is running some blood tests, including a fancy one that can tell your blood sugar levels for the past 3 months (how CSI is that?). But we agreed to do nothing. You read that right folks - nothing for now. I go to the OB/GYN in July and that's good enough for me. At that point, she may want to give me something to "jump start" my cycles again. But I really don't care much anymore. In fact, I took out a picture of Cookie and showed it to him - this was my daughter. Fertility - schmility.

I'm taking care of myself a little more, and spending some money doing things I might not have done before. I had laser hair removal all over my face. I no longer have to shave my moustache and goatee every day. Since last month, about 25 hairs have sprouted through - this is compared to hundreds all over the place. It feels better to look in the mirror and not see the thick dark black hairs under the surface waiting to poke through and making my chin look dirty without makeup. I took a round of antibiotic to clear up my acne and got a prescription face wash. I can go out without makeup now without hiding. And I weigh 3 pounds less than I did in January. Awww yeah. The Hagen Daz diet is working!

My spirits are pretty good - especially in light of compromised sleep patterns, a funeral this past weekend and 20 hours of travel in the car, and unknown dates for TPR for Cookie. Life is awesome. I have so much. I would NEVER have believed that becoming a foster-to-adopt parent could take away so much of the pain and hopelessness of infertility. I would NEVER have believed I could love a child so much.

Every day I get a little bit closer to being able to say that "Infertility is the greatest gift God could ever have given me." One day I will say that and believe it and feel it with every cell in my body. One day we will have a daughter (and maybe a son one day too) forever. In fact, we already do. Cookie is our daughter now, and no matter what happens legally, she always will have been. To us, she is now Mia Elizabeth.

I turn 35 on May 19th. This is the day I have vowed for years that "If I turn 35 and do not have children, then I am adopting." On May 15th, the SW will be turing in paperwork for Cookie to the courts to request a date for TPR. Freaky, huh?

Please say a prayer (or blessing, or chant, or incantation) over that paperwork and over the courthouse in Lexington, KY. Please pray for Judge W in family court. Please pray that we get a date for TPR very soon. Cookie deserves to have her forever family just as soon as she can.

Until then, I'm spending the Kotex money on a babysitter once a month instead. Darn, that would be really expensive Kotex, wouldn't it?