Sometimes God Whispers...
...and sometimes he raises his voice.I got the results of my last round of blood tests in the mail.
Despite having taken Metformin for over a year now, my testosterone levels have risen drastically again.
My estrogen levels are low.
I have not had a cycle all year.
The doctor says it will take at least 2 medications to further try to treat the PCOS and attempt to restore my cycles.
At this point, my weight is more of a factor in my risks for cancer than not having regular cycles.
We have decided to consult with my OB/GYN during my next visit in July to decide how to proceed. But one thing is now certain:
I will not be pursuing fertility treatments.
When I saw my doctor, he said he was sorry and that he knew I wanted a child. I reached into my wallet and pulled out a picture of Mia Elizabeth (aka Cookie) and placed it on his desk. "This is my daughter - for now, and hopefully forever. That's really all I wanted out of all this. I'm happy. I'm really happy." He smiled, and looked into my eyes, and for the first time in over a year saw a truly happy woman.
I no longer feel desperate, and that feels really damn good. I have days that are 10's on the 1-10 scale on occasion. I had some tears when I read the results of the blood tests. The reality of infertility is a bitter pill. But for me, every day it becomes a part of my past - a given, a uniqueness. It isn't as huge and looming as it once was. Now its a part of who I am, but it is in balance. I am Greek, highly educated, a Christian, brunette, a wife, a singer, a blogger, and infertile. Its just another descriptor in a long list of characteristics. It no longer defines me.
Deciding to become a foster parent has been one of the best decisions I (we) have ever made.
I cried during our second home study when our SW asked about infertility, my history with depression, and other extremely sensitive things. I had to get up and go to the bathroom in order to stop crying. She still approved us. Why? Because we knew our deamons, and we addressed them. We were going to marriage counseling and working on improving ourselves so we could be the best possible parents to whatever children came into our home. It wasn't so much about having a clean home - it was about having a clean heart.
The past two weekends we have traveled to Mississippi. Part of that time we got to spend with Michael's 3-yr. old nephew. It made us both a little more open to having more than one child - and asking to be put on the list for a little boy one day. So, after Cookie's adoption is finalized (notice I say when, not if) we very well may put ourselves back on the list for placements. It would be hard, and kids would likely be returned to parents or family, but we might just get another child. In the meantime, we could save a child's life - or at least their heart.
Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. I'll reflect more then about my journey this past year, and return to blog posts from a year ago to see where I was at and how far I have come. I do know this - I'm a better wife, a pretty darn good mom, and a better child of the Father. I think he's proud of me. I think he's proud of all of us who have learned about faith from the oddest of places - our state cabinet offices and DCFS.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 5/17/2006 02:32:00 PM
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