When A Virtual Friend Hurts
I found out that my sster and her husband did not get the baby they thought they would. It seems the birthmother changed her mind after delivery and decided to parent. I found myself sitting here at my desk unable to move on to paperwork. I was thinking of sster and Attic Man and hoping they are getting through the moments of today in one piece. I know they will because God is with them.While my experiences are different, I have some understanding of the loss of a child you believe might become yours. We had a newborn baby boy for 23 hours before getting the call that he was going home. We had a 4 year old and a 2 month old for 10 days before they went to live with relatives. We had a newborn baby boy for 4 days before he too went to live with relatives. And now we have a baby girl we've had for 7 weeks who came to live with us straight from the hospital, and we have no idea if she will become ours, though all signs point in that direction.
Each of the 3 times that children have left our home, I've cried. Each time has been different. It did not get easier to see them go back. I sat on the sofa and sobbed and stared out the window. I ate a lot of ice cream, and laid in the bed for hours without sleeping. I was mean to my husband who tried to comfort me every time despite greiving in his own silent, internal way. I wished I had tried to have children earlier in my life when it might have been possible. I also didn't really want to talk about it. I knew that talking about it wouldn't change the situation, and I knew how I felt. I didn't need clarification or confirmation. I needed time to grieve the loss.
The pain was like death - death of a piece of me, and death of a person. I had become a mother, and then told I was no longer a mother - over and over again. I formed relationships with children and then in a matter of minutes, they were taken away by a social worker.
My husband and I chose this route of adoption (adopting from the state via foster-to-adopt) knowing all of the ramifications. We knew that we would probably never get a child placed with us who already had parental rights terminated. We were told that families who were waiting for children who were already "free and clear" and who wanted children under the age of 5 waited for years. One family had been waiting 4 years and had not had a placement yet because they would not do foster care first. I cannot blame them for making that decision.
We chose to work with the state instead of a private agency for several reasons. The first was purely financial. If we adopted from the state, there would be no adoption costs. The other reasons were more humanistic. We just felt it was the right thing to do - and the numbers of children in foster care were staggering. Likewise, many families each year end up adopting their foster children. We figured it would be a while and be hard - but we had no earthly idea how hard it would be. No one could have prepared us for the loss we felt when children left.
I looked into domestic adoption, and learned about the risks of birth mothers changing their minds - in the hospital or even worse - after the adoptive family has had the child in their home for weeks - even up to a month. I cannot fathom it - yet in some ways I can. And I feel the pain in my chest just thinking about it. One minute you are a new mother, on top of the world basking in the glory. And the next minute you're sitting in silence with big hot tears streaming down your face and you can't make sense of what is by its very nature completely senseless.
What sster and Attic Man are going through reminds me of the uncertainty of my own situation. On Monday the 13th, Sugar Cookie's worker will go to court to ask the judge to terminate parental rights. The judge could do almost anything. In addition, there is the other adoptive family who has her siblings, and there are other relatives who were being checked out. I live every day knowing a call could come in telling me that Cookie is going to live somewhere else and will not become legally ours. I pray every day that she will be ours for life.
But in the meantime, we are now parents again. This baby girl is ours. We are the only parents she knows, and she is the only child we have. All of us waiting for our children and hoping to become parents soon share similar fears and similar senses of loss.
I still trust God, but some days are much harder than others.
Friends, please show your support to my friend sster and her husband. Pray that God comforts them as they step out once again in faith to adopt the child He has for them.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 2/09/2006 10:18:00 AM
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