Sugar Cookie Sees Biomom
Today at noon Michael took Sugar Cookie to the Cabinet office. Biomom was supposed to be in the back meeting with R., the case worker. So much for that plan. Michael reported the following:When he walked in, there was one lone young girl sitting in the waiting room. He said he immediately knew it was Biomom. She is 23. At lunch, I asked Michael if she looked like an addict (as I anyone really knows what an addict is supposed to look like). And he had these simple, yet profound observations:
"Nah, she just looked like a kid."
"Like one of your students?", I asked.
"Nah. She looked like she'd been through a lot."
"Oh." I munched on a fry.
I can't really say why I wanted her to be a monster, or some faceless addict. I didn't want to feel a sense of humanity there. I wanted to feel cold and distant - then there would be no risk, no hurt, no worry. I wouldn't have to care.
"Sugar Cookie's eyes aren't gonna change color, that's for sure."
"Ah - Cookie looks like Biomom?" I pictured a young woman with light brown hair and deep blue eyes with an up-turned nose and pale skin.
"Yeah, kinda."
"Is she cute like Sugar Cookie?"
He shakes his head "no" and inserts some fries into his mouth, possibly to keep from asnwering more of my questions (he is a man of few words).
"Was she a small person?", I asked, knowing that Sugar Cookie seems like a small baby.
"Nah. I mean, she was average height I guess. And she wasn't too skinny. Just average."
"Was she glad to see the baby?"
"Yeah. But Baby was pretty annoyed when she first picked her up." Michael doesn't call her Sugar Cookie - he calls her Baby - as in Nobody puts Baby in a corner. It seemed normal for Michael to notice Sugar Cookie's behavior more than Biomom's as that is who he is truly concerned about.
Once Biomom went into the back with Sugar Cookie, R. came out and apologized to Michael for the screw-up of having Biomom there to see him. We had wanted to stay anonymous for reasons of past case history, and for our personal safety and the baby's.
Michael's feathers seemed unruffled by the whole encounter. He was calm as usual, and just seemed to want to get the morning over with so he could get back home and get back to work. There's a part of me that's envious of his ability to let things roll off his back like that (yet another foul metaphor). That's one of his best points and one of his worst - to see the downside, just try to get him excited or enthusiastic about something and you'll be waiting a very long time.
What happens next seems to be a mystery of sorts. Apparently there will be the dispositionary hearing, but I have no idea what that is or when it will be. R. seems to be a very tight-lipped worker, so we will see what she has to say when she comes to our home this Friday. Perhaps I shall have some tea and cookies ready to warm her up.
All we know is that Biomom will get 2 1-hour visits each month - not even close to what would be required to bond with an infant. She will see Sugar Cookie on February 14th and 28th. I guess that means that she is ours for another month at least. I also guess this means we are in for a very long ride with Sugar Cookie. She's beautiful - our Christmas miracle - but today I have to admit that a part of me felt...(she searches for the right word)...
vulnerable - maybe
crushed - uh, too junior-high
baren - nah, too close to sounding like i'm referring to my infertility
defeated - nah, i don't want to feel like i'm in a war
cautious - sure
sad - yes
I felt sad - among the other above-listed emotions. Sugar Cookie feels like ours. Her smell is familiar. We see every tiny growth and new development. We know her developing personality, her fussy times, and how she likes her bottles. We know how she likes to be held, and we are learning what songs she likes to have sung to her. We are thinking of names we would re-name her should the day come that legally we would be allowed to do so (though her given name is just fine).
We know how her eyes get big and wide and she gets quiet and stretches out her legs when she is about to poop. We know when her fussiness is just gas. We know the outfits she is most comfortable in. We know Huggies diapers fit her better than Pampers. We know she is on the verge of knowing how to smile a real smile. We know she adores lying on the down comforter when she stretches her arms up above her head and falls asleep while we watch TV in bed.
I can't imagine living through a year or two of uncertainty about Sugar Cookie's future. I also don't know what this is doing in terms of preventing us from getting a placement of a child who could become ours forever, or from pursuing a private adoption simply because we don't know what will happen.
So, on the fertility front:
My blood tests came back and my testosterone level is down even more - HURRAY! For those of you who don't know, "normal" testosterone for a woman is between 17-74...mine was at 89 when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I am now at a 43!! By taking Metformin for alomst a year now, I have cut my testosterone in half. The doctor is thrilled at my progress. I also have a cycle every month unaided - though it is about every 35 days - a little too long to be very fertile cycles according to my OB/GYN.
Michael is on a 6-month cycle of taking Clomiphene. Yup, you read right - Clomiphene. Some studies have shown positive results for men taking Clomiphene to raise sperm count and semen quality. Pre-Clomiphene semen analysis revealed an acceptable number of swimmers, but they were dead, slow, or mutants. (aaaaaaahhhhhhh - mutant sperm!!!!) I did not know that mutant sperm had 2 heads, no tails, etc. Learning about sperm has been a hoot.
This summer we are going to have Michael do another test, and if we have better quality of swimmers, we MAY go ahead and try artificial insemination. It would cost about $500 each attempt. The reproductive endo believes that if in 3 rounds we do not conceive, then our only chance would be the $20K Invitro. We both agree we will not go that route. I want to have children, but gee wiz that's a lot of money for no guarantee of success. I'd rather spend the 20K on an international adoption where I'd be guaranteed to be a mother at the end of the arduous process.
It's all so overwhelming, and I know that it will never stop being that way until something happens - an adoption, birth, or both.
I can't wait to get home and hold Sugar Cookie. I bet she missed me today.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 1/24/2006 02:26:00 PM
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