Visit # 2 With Biomom - A Weird Feeling
I'm writing here from a conversation I had with my husband, so please understand that this will inevitably be filtered through my own (very tired) brain.Michael has been the one doing the toting of Sugar Cookie from one place to the next. He even said he would be the one to take her to bi-monthly visits with her birth mom. We were told we would have to have no contact with her, so Michael generously offered to pick her up from daycare and take her to the cabinet office for each visit (in lieu of the social worker having to pick her up from daycare and take her).
When I called Michael to ask him how this second visit went, he was quite abrupt (okay those who know him - more so than usual!). He said we could "talk about it later" and cut me off. I didn't want to pick a fight on Valentine's day, so I just let him go. I called back to tell him that the dude Dick Cheney shot had a heart attack (he loves politics and pop culture, like to "scoop" him on breaking news). Before I could get to the point of my call, he apologized for his earlier shortness, and attempted to explain that it hadn't been a good expereince for him.
From what I gather, when he arrived early at the cabinet office, Biomom was once again in the waiting room. He thought this was odd as they already apologized for that happening the first time. Biomom said nothing to him, but he told me that he "got a really bad vibe this time". To give this some context, Michael isn't one to get a "vibe" about anything. He's easy going, doesn't over analyze, and lets even negative experiences roll off his back. In all the time I've known him, he's never picked a fight with me - he lets things go. But this time, he was really shaken by something.
M: "She bought her some clothes."
Me: "She bought her clothes? Why? We have tons of clothes. We are required to buy her clothes."
M: "Yeah, and she changed her outfit during the one hour visit into the new outfit she brought for her."
Me: "Why on earth?"
M: "I have no idea."
Me: "What had you dressed her in?"
M: "The little baseball outfit we like."
Me: "I like that outfit."
M: "Me too."
Me: "Maybe it made her feel better somehow. But you'd think that if she wanted to do something nice for her baby she'd get herself following her case plan and get her drug tests, not buy her clothes."
M: "She bought her a blanket too. A Finding Nemo blanket. I just left it at the daycare center when I took her back after the visit. I don't need to see that."
Me: "I understand. I don't think I do either."
M: heavy sigh
Me: [I tell him the Dick Cheney story to try to distract him]
Me: "You never have to take her to visits again. We can ask that the social worker get her for the visits. You shouldn't have to feel this way. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to take her there. I mean, she feels like our baby, and then someone comes along and messes with her and changes her clothes, and it feels weird. It feels wrong."
M: "Yeah." another heavy sigh "I'll think about it before I take her to the visit on the 28th."
Regardless of whether you feel Michael has the right to feel the way he does, or whether he should feel the way he does, I think you've got to understand how grueling this is - for both of us. I don't have the burden he has of taking her to those meetings - even if it was voluntary. He did it because he loves her, and doesn't want a stranger toting her back and forth. He wants her to feel safe and secure as much as possible - even while twice a month going to this strange place to see someone she doesn't really know.
I think that Biomom somehow feels she has done something good for the baby - and her changing the baby's outfit into the one she brought somehow guarantees that the baby will wear it - instead of wondering if it will be thrown away or stuffed into a bag, or donated to Goodwill.
Whether we like to admit it or not, as foster parents who are hoping to adopt, some of us feel threatened by birthparents. We see our family as the "right" one for the child - and the birth parents see us as, well, the strangers who have their children. I'm not proud of feeling scared that the birthmom will get Sugar Cookie back one day, but I am absolutely terrified...petrified. I do not think this would ever, ever be in Cookie's "best interest" - there are horrific amounts of drugs there, and a history of physical and sexual abuse. I literally fear that she would return to that situation.
On top of that are my deamons of infertility. By the ripe 'ol age of 23, Biomom has now given birth to at least 3 children, only to loose 2 of them by involuntary TPR - and now faces loosing a third. Meanwhile, I cannot conceive a child with my husband. I feel the screams of "How unfair!" well up within my soul, but they do not escape in public - only in my loud cries out to God as I drive home sometimes from work and hear a song about children, or think about Sugar Cookie, or the 4 other children who have been in our home for foster care. I never stopped to wonder if Michael ever feels that way. Sure, he never wanted to have children, but he wants now to have a family with me. He wants Sugar Cookie to be our daughter forever, and I do too.
With each day, it becomes sweeter- and the pill we must swallow becomes more bitter. Each day she grows more beautiful. With each new sound, new movement, new smiles, and new bits of personality - she becomes more a member of our family. But right along with that lives the understanding that she is not our legal daughter. Each day represents the growth of love and a bond that would make it more painful to say goodbye. These visits are a brutal reminder of that. It feels like an appointment with reality. After living the rest of the month as parents and daughter, for 2 hours out of the month we face the fact that she is not ours - she belongs to this young girl with the life I would wish on no one. She feels closer and closer to being ours. God have given us only the best of news - as Cindy is, so should we be - jumping up and down! Praise God for his answers - ALL of them good news. Why should we be discouraged? Why should we let Satan take away our joy? Because we are human, and because Satan uses our own fears, our own struggles, our own weaknesses - to get us to turn away from Christ.
Satan, I've said it before - get away from my family. You cannot have us! You see these tears I cry are from my human pain, but you cannot take my peace. You cannot take my joy. You could only have it if I choose to give it to you - and I will NEVER.
This is Sugar Cookie's first Valentine's Day. I hope she has many more wonderful ones to come - and I hope we are there when she gets to have her first chocolate!
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 2/14/2006 02:40:00 PM
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