Goodbye Little Snapper
This morning little Snapper went to live with his grandparents. I hope he will be safe there. I hope bio-dad has a major life change. I hope this is the last he will see the foster care system.It would be nice to get another call before Christmas, but I already feel like we got to have our Christmas baby. It was a nice gift - all snuggly and warm and perfect. I wish you all could have seen how incredibly beautiful this baby boy was. (And I'm not the kind who thinks all babies are beautiful - some are just plain strange looking at birth.) Though it was a lovely Christmas gift, we are looking forward to a long night's sleep tonight and to doing some packing - in addition to averaging final grades for our semester's classes. This Christmas gift was exhausting (and did not sleep well at night - and crashed out during daylight hours instead).
My New Year's resolution will be to devote myself to doing a private adoption - domestic or international. It will take a tremendous amount of work, and the process seems so confusing. I wish someone would just tell me where to go, what to do, and who to pay - and I'd do it. I just don't know where to start. If anyone has ass-vice, ring in. I guess we should find an agency to do our homestudy? I did find out that adoption agencies do not accept the home study done by the state for foster care - so we will have to start from scratch there. Is that the best thing to do first? Maybe our process and learning can translate into us helping others. Certainly, as I learn about the process and the steps we need to take, I'll write about it. Goodness knows, I wish someone would walk me through the process.
Last night after I got the news that he would be leaving, I cried a little - but not too much. I held him and ate a pint of Hagen Daz cookies and cream, which was tremendous. I cuddled him in bed while lying on my side - he had a pacifier in his mouth and I held him up next to my chest. The last thing Michael said to me before he fell asleep was "That's beautiful." He rolled over and fell asleep and as I took my turn caring for the baby, I understood the depth of what we were had done for the past couple of days. I understood why so few people do this. It is gut-wrenching, terrifying, and nerve-wracking (I cry as I write this feeling so many different emotions - equal parts good, bad, and confusing). It causes you to examine all of your hopes and dreams, strengths, and faults. It forces you to be honest with yourself.
Before this process, there were a lot of things I hadn't experienced. Some things I hadn't even considered - and even if I had considered them, I was off-base on my perceptions.
I'm grateful for my husband's involvement - even if it isn't how I would have designed it. Nevertheless, it is priceless and I shall try harder to not take it for granted as often as I do.
I'm grateful for intimacy as my husband defines it - even if it doesn't match how I would have drawn it up. Hugs are wonderful, and he gives fantastic hugs that carry a lot of meaning. I shall try harder to remember that those moments mean a lot to my husband even though I too often dismiss them as unimportant.
I don't have to have a child to have a full and happy life. I have a full and happy life now. I just want more - and I allow that quest for more to lure me into the false belief that somehow my life now just isn't good enough. But I will learn that what I have now if perfect.
We will be enjoying Christmas alone as a couple for the first time ever this year, and whatever happens that day will be perfect. My desire to have a child in the future cannot obscure the abundant blessings I enjoy today.
Okay, Father God, I'm ready for what you have laid out for me next. Thank you for our time with Snapper and for the lessons we learned from this experience. Be with his grandparents as they care for he and his brother. Bless the social workers, for they too are doing your work. Father, thank you for the many blessings you've bestowed on us - our marriage, our new house, our careers, and our families. We know you've promised to bless us even more if we seek out and follow your will. We are ready and willing, Father. Lead on!
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 12/16/2005 04:17:00 PM
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