Random Thoughts I Should Write More About
Thanksgiving was okay. We had dinner at the home of my husband's colleagues, along with another couple from his work. They have a beautiful little one-year old girl who wasn't sure what to make of the whole over-stimulating ordeal. Afterwards we went home and vegetated. I made 2 homemade deep-dish apple pies. They were very good, and fantastic eaten warm with double-vanilla ice cream. Still, I missed my grandmother's idea of Thanksgiving. The holidays were always a production with her - and from the time I was born, she lived next door. I got to enjoy every bit of the planning and preparation, shopping, and cooking, baking, and decorating every single year. After I got married and moved away, I tried to keep her traditions. I made her turkey and stuffing, apple and pumpkin pies, and pineapple-walnut cookies. I made the gravy from the turkey drippings, and made the mashed potatoes with real butter and half-and-half. The holidays were never a time to worry about fat and calories.This weekend we put up 144 books on half.com. It did not even make a small dent in our overwhelming collection of books we've been buying all of our adult lives. I think I get too attached to books. And books don't make you look fat. They don't reject you, or tell you they are too busy. They are always there when you need them. I love books.
I am extremely worried about all of the stuff we have, and where we will put all of it in the new house. I am also worried that my husband feels offended/threatened when I ask him to get rid of stuff. Between the two of us, he likes to hang on to things more than I do.
The house inspection was today - and all went well except for two incredibly minor things we will be asking the owners to fix. Even if they didn't do it, I could and all would be well. This is a major relief, and now we will for certain be closing on December 16th. I have no idea when we are going to move with me working and Michael teaching and final exams to give and grade and final grades to average and turn in. I'm sure after the 16th we will be taking over loads of things in our cars - clothes, books, etc. And what about Christmas?
I am in a holiday funk. I miss my grandmother and since she died in 2002, the holidays have not been as joyful. I spent Christmas 2001 alone in Michael's apartment in Athens, Ohio working on my dissertation not-real-hard while he went to his parent's house in Mississippi. Christmas 2002 I spent with Michael and his parents in Mississippi. It was their second time meeting me. Everyone was nice to me and I had a good time and was very much in love. Christmas 2003 was horrible since Michael couldn't figure out whether he wanted to be with me or not, and I'd put my parent's off about whether I was going to come home. Michael ended up taking me to Mississippi with him, and decided while we were there that he really did want to get married. Overall, it was a horrible holiday nightmare I'd rather not re-live. Christmas 2004 was our first Christmas as a married couple, and we drove from Kentucky down to Mississippi for Christmas once again. It was nice, and fairly calm. Still, for years I haven't celebrated the holidays the way I would have wanted to. Cumulatively, the effects are starting to reveal themselves.
I might go home to my parents' house for Christmas this year. Those who know me know how miraculous this would be. If I were home on Christmas day it would be the first time that has happened in about 13 years. After I was 22 and married, we lived far away and my first husband always worked retail in malls, so taking off for the holidays was out of the question, and I never felt like I could leave him alone so I could go home. One Christmas I did go home for a while, but returned on the morning of the 24th so I could spend Christmas with my then-husband. I always tried to do the "right" thing, even if I didn't really like my then-husband very much. I figured no one deserved to be alone on Christmas eve and Christmas day.
Michael has never seen my hometown. He has only met/seen my parents once - at my brother's wedding last December. That is also the last time that I saw my parents. We did not interact much at all. We hugged, and exchanged pleasantries, but nothing more. Thought the wedding took place a mere hour and a half away from my hometown, we were not invited to the house, or to spend additional time there. This came as no surprise since my father had made it very clear when he found out that Michael and I were getting married that he "would never be welcome in his house". It's funny now that they've been willing to have a black maid, and now a maid from El Salvador who doesn't speak a word of English, but my husband the professor is not welcome in their home (the big, scary black man).
Michael has never once mentioned going to my hometown, or spending time with my parents, or inviting them to come here. This doesn't surprise me either. Why would he want to, anyway.
My relationship with my mother has improved this past year via phone calls. I think my father is slightly more comfortable with me, too. Mom has tried to be nice to Michael, pointing out things she finds that would be helpful for his research and even asking to speak to him on the phone on occasion to tell him about something he might find interesting. I know that this year she has bought him an incredibly thoughtful Christmas gift.
The other night I asked them what their plans were, and they are staying home and then going to my brother's house for Christmas dinner (only and hour and a half drive). I mentioned that I was thinking about coming, and mom was very excited. She asked if Michael would come to. I said I wasn't sure - with him teaching winter interterm and all. That was kind of a lie of omission. I had assumed he wasn't welcome there, but her tone suggested he was. I didn't ask for clarification, but instead just said we were trying to make plans and weren't sure what to do. She asked if we would stay through Christmas day, or just Christmas eve, etc. I just said we were still thinking about it and would let her know. It was a rather uncomfortable conversation - like asking permission to see your own parents or your own hometown or the house you grew up in. But then again, at one point there was a doubt as to whether I would ever see them again or be welcome in their home myself.
I might go home even if it meant Michael went to spend Christmas with his family, and I spent Christmas with mine. I just need to be with people who are also happy - and who like the holidays. Michael just isn't much fun around the holidays - he just doesn't like them. He'd rather catch up on work, or ball games. He doesn't decorate, or cook, or go out, or give or go to parties. Those things get in the way of work, and he just plain doesn't enjoy them. And not getting to enjoy those things year after year has made me sad. And I don't want to be sad this Christmas, even if it means I have to go spend the holidays with my family this year. Mercy.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 11/28/2005 01:19:00 PM
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