My Pre-Midlife Crisis

No, No, No - Then No and No: 5 Times No

Shell-shocked from the prior day's events, I came in to work at 11:30 today and used a few TDL hours. I needed sleep wherever and whenever I could get it. It all started at 1:00 yesterday afternoon with a call from our social worker.

Melanie called to say that she knew we said we only wanted up to 2 children, and that we had capped our age limit at age 5...BUT she had a group of 3 siblings available - ages 7, 3, and 8 months. The children had been in foster care, and were being transitioned into a pre-adoptive home because the foster mom had "issues", and they were hoping to move the kids before the weekend. Essentially, it was a call to ask, "Hey, you wanna adopt 3 kids by the weekend?" Okay, well not really, but sort of. There are no guarantees, but in this case the odds would have been pretty good. They had already looked hard for relatives to no avail. The courts had already ruled that adoption pre-planning should begin. Enter our social worker and our case. We were a good match for the younger two kids - and there just happened to also be a 7 year old. All perfect kids - no major mental or physical problems that anyone knew of.

I said I would talk to my husband. Of course, he never checked his messages and never got back with me until 6:30 at night and I was miffed to say the least. I figured he knew better than to let an entire day go by and not bother to check his phone. To "prove" how pissed off I was, I stayed at work and didn't answer my phone (of course it did not good since he didn't even bother to call me until 6:30). I came home at 7:30. I wanted to tick him off. Instead, I ended up scaring him and he had thought I was in a car accident since traffic was so bad. I ended up feeling pissed and guilty - a very bad combination.

I made creamed chipped beef over toast (ish on a shingle). I felt a little better. We talked about the children, and Michael said we could take them if I wanted to, but that we could never have any biological children because we were not having four children. That answered it for me right there, though I said nothing to him. I wondered about what would happen if I did end up pregnant and we already had three children. I didn't want a life crisis, so right then and there I committed to call Melanie in the morning and say no.

Exactly one hour passes. It's 9:30 at night. I am ready for bed. My cell phone rings. I can't bear to talk, so I hand it to Michael and sak him to answer it and tell Melanie "No" to taking the 3 kids. I figured it was her wondering why I never called her back. It wasn't. It was ANOTHER social worker - the one on call last night.

The social worker asked Michael if we would take two children - ages 2 and 4 "whose grandmother who has been caring for them has been drinking". It was an "emergency removal" and we had to decide right then and there. Michael asked if we could have a few minutes and call back. She said okay. We asked if she could give us more information. She said she didn't know anything at all. We wondered if that was truly the case, and doubted that very much. We figured they had to know something in order to get a judge to sign the removal order in the first place. At least they could tell us if it seemed short term or long term. They said they had no idea.

Michael and I talked for a few minutes. We have only the 1 crib that converts to a toddler bed and then the full size bed in his office. We have no clothes at all for either a 2 or 4-year old. We knew those kids would come with nothing.

We also figured it was most likely very short term. We figured "grandma" would sober up long enough for a judge to get the holiday spirt and order the kids returned, or that another "grandma" or relative would come forward and want them, and they would be removed from our home - much like the last two were.

It just sounded too shaky, and too short term. So, Michael called back to say "No" and tell the worker that we were not equipped to take 2 kids of those ages at this time - which is the truth. Apparently, the worker got snippy and told him that we needed to tell our worker we were not willing to take 2 kids. Hello, Ms. On-call Workerlady! What in the world did you hear my husband say that would tell you we weren't willing to take two kids at all? Don't jump to conclusions - just ask, and we will gladly answer.

This morning I called our worker to tell her "No" about the 3 kids. Ms. On-call Workerlady had already called her to complain about us not being willing to take 2 kids. Melanie told us she was confused because we had just had 2 kids and loved them. Uh...exactly! She had told the worker it was probably because we only had 1 crib and no toddler bed. Uh...duh! I confirmed these feelings with her, and told her that it had sounded very short-term, and that on top of that at 9:30 at night we were not equipped to take two kids of those ages. It would have taken a lot of work (not that we are unwilling to do it at all) - for a potentially short-term stay. Can you imagine us going out and buying wardrobes all over again as well as a bed and bedding for kids who would likely not be with us for more than a few weeks or months? Yikes.

Enough heartbreak, already. It's too close to Christmas. And I'm determined to be happy - not heartbroken.

I told Melanie that if she had called and had just the 3 year old and the 8 month old - I would have said yes without even checking with Michael. It would have been perfect. I told her that if last night's call had been for two babies - or 1 baby and 1 older child, that we might have thought differently about it. It's just the situation and how we "feel" about it. I don't know what she would have thought had I told her the truth: that we trust that God leads our hearts and minds to make these decisions - even ones that have to be made in a matter or minutes. It's a simple as saying, "Okay, God, tell me what you want us to do" and then sitting for a moment and letting him answer.

Before, when we took in Howard and Autumn, God's answer was clear - take them and be glad. We did. We got our hearts broken. We have absolutely no regrets about it. We did the Lord's work. We obeyed his call. He directed us and we followed. We had 10 days of absolute joy. We learned what no books on parenting could ever have taught us.

We made the right decisions. Five kids and five "No" responses. We could have been an instant family by the weekend. But those kids aren't meant to be our kids. Somebody out there needs these three kids. I hope they are found and matched quickly. I hope that someone stumbles on this posting, and wonders if maybe fostering to adopt just might be worth it. It is painful, and gut-wrenching, and exhausting. We don't know if our children will come to us from this system, or from the international adoption we are saving up for within a year or so. We just don't know, and truly don't care. I could hold a little girl from China and love her just as much as I could a little brown child from right here in Kentucky. It's a matter of trust, and faith, and hope.

Still, saying "No" breaks your heart. I took a bubble bath and cried in the tub last night - not for myself, but for the five children who have no permanency. I cried for the two little ones who were being taken away in the middle of the night to a strange place. I wanted to make it better somehow. But it wasn't for me to do.

By the end of the year, we will have a lovely little (1830 sq. ft.) 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath house. We will either close on December 16th, or a few days later. We will be even more ready for a family. Maybe these delays and heartbreaks were just a way of motivating us to grow up and get out of apartment living and clear up debt and start living a more modest life. I'm pleased with the amount of maturing we've done lately. I'm thrilled that I am finally going to own my own home - at the age of 34. I'm sure my parents are diappointed that I didn't get there sooner, but I know they are happy that I'm finally there and that I have a husband who cares enough to make sure we get there.

Maybe next Christmas will be my "dream Christmas" - with my husband, my child(ren), a real Christmas tree, a fire in the fireplace, homemade gingerbread cookies, and a visit from our families who have yet to visit us here. 2007 is going to be a turning-point year for us. I can't wait to see what all it holds.

posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 11/30/2005 11:41:00 AM