Depressed, Angry or Both?
I'm not over it. It. The crap of the past, the infertility, the depression. Dang it, it's Christmas and I'm spposed to be all joyful and stuff. I'm not.I want my own child. Now. I want my husband to actually care that we can't have children.
I made him go with me to get a Christmas tree. He had never had a real live tree before. I thought that was a shame. He didn't care one stinking bit.
I asked him tonight if he was happy. He said "sometimes". Then nothing.
I went to bed. I got back up, read a few blogs, then tried to write. Little is coming.
I want my mom to stop sending me stuff about the horror stories of fostering to adopt and all about these people who adopted successfully internationally. What would help is money. I do not need any more newspaper articles cut out and mailed to me.
When you are childless and don't want to be, the holidays suck ass. At least the tree has some lights on it now.
It looks like paying big bucks for an adoption seems like what we will have to do. Michael says that we will do what we have to do to make it happen. It still doesn't feel like he's with me on this. I know he cares about me and what I want, but it still doesn't feel like something we are doing together.
Why does the state make it out to seem like there is this huge need for foster parents, then this waiting game? At least we seem to get calls at least every other week or so.
I'm thinking about artificial insemination again. $5oo a shot. Three attempts. Turkey-basting for conception. Clomiphene. I feel insane enough as it is I can only imagine the pain in the ass I'd be on hormones. And I'm 34. It's all risky now.
I should be happy. On or about December 20th we close on our first house. It's really quite nice.
But with everything I have, I'm finding it very hard to be happy these days.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 12/06/2005 09:02:00 PM
<< Home