Tonight I Am Going To...
1) Rearrange Cookie's room so that there is room to...2) Move the crib out of our master bedroom into the nursery (where it has never been before)
3) Remove crib bumber and mobile for safety reasons
4) Lower crib mattress now that Cookie can pull herself up to standing
5) Put pillows on the floor in front of the crib "just in case" Cookie learns a new skill in the middle of the night
6) Put Cookie in the crib no later than 9:00
7)Talk to the husband about "relational matters"
Numbers 1-6 worry me less than #7. I'm going to admit a few things here for a few reasons: 1) catharsis, and 2) maybe it will help someone fell less "odd" or "alone". So, consider yourself warned that I might break into pretty frank talk about S-E-X.
My husband has never been a real huge fan of physical intimacy. Guess when you get preached at about the evils of premarital sex, and you don't get married until you are 32, you learn not to want it so much. Add in his love of isolation, work, late nights working and writing and watching sports and you have a guy who can really "take it or leave it". Through the course of our relationship nothing has inherently changed, though he has compromised in many ways in order to please me. That makes sense - you can't ask someone to feel differently, though you can ask someone to alter their behavior. He gets enough intimacy by sitting on the sofa with me, eating dinner together, and sleeping in the same bed (even with a baby between us). Those are lovely forms of intimacy, but I crave other forms that are of a more sexual nature. I think most women would.
It has been almost a month since I/we were physically intimate. There have been plenty of times we've gone that long before we had a baby in the house. Having Cookie has just given him/us a good "excuse". Don't get me wrong, it's a damn good excuse. We both work full-time (though he has far more flexibility being a professor/researcher than I do being an 8-5er). By the time we pick Cookie up from daycare and make it home, it's close to 6:00 and we are tired and hungry. After feeding her and ourselves and watching the news and Jeopardy for some "down time", we are both exhausted. There are plenty of nights where sex is the furthest thing from my mind.
Lisa's comment about infertility is also so true - when our sex life revolved around "trying to conceive", I made more of an attempt to have said sex life. Once we gave up trying to conceive, I gave up trying to have sex. There was nobody there to make sure it happened anymore. I used to use a digital fertility monitor and pee sticks that you stuck in the monitor to keep track of when you might be fertile. If it showed a change in hormone levels, I was quick to attempt to woo my husband away from the television. Now, the fertility monitor and the boxes of pee sticks collect dust in the top of my bathroom closet (know anyone who wants to buy them??). And my Frederick's of Hollywood gear collects dust in the bottom dresser drawer (yes, they sell plus sizes).
(Do any of you ever feel resentment when you are the ones who always have to fix the relationship when its gone awry? Do you ever feel like you're the only one who cares? Are you the one who always brings up a problem?)
Becoming foster parents didn't kill our sex life. Heck, becoming parents didn't kill it. Not having two people who both valued it enough NOT to let it die killed it. Sure, becoming foster parents put a strain on our relationship - via our time, resources, energy, and mental health. Not knowing if the child who you call yours will remain yours is the most stressful thing I have ever experienced.
Becoming a mom added a lot to my life - but it is no substitute for an intimate marriage. My husband and I are gifted at navigating the every day, ordinary stuff of life. We figure out home and car maintenance, what we are going to eat, how we are going to spend our free time, and how errands will get run. What we've never been skilled at is the physical intimacy thing.
What's especially sad is how much I LOVE it. I had hoped to find a partner who would, too. There are many, many times when I realize that I got everything BUT that.
(What if you could get absolutely everything you ever wanted in a partner - except physical intimacy? Would that be enough for you? Would you celebrate all the things you have, or mourn the one thing you don't?)
In some ways, I feel guilty for complaining. But I can't stop feeling like HE should have taken more responsibility here for this part of our relationship. But I hear our former marriage counselor telling me that he never will feel the way about it that I want him to - and am I willing to stay with him knowing that. That has always been a hard truth for me.
Becoming parents has not been all roses and cuddles and laughs. It has been tremendously stressful too. The cost of diapers, wipes, and baby food alone will kill you. Teething will kill you. 8 or more poopy diapers in one day will kill you. Whining and endless crying will kill you. Going to the trouble of getting the baby in the high chair, strapped in, bib on her, baby food jar and spoon - and siting down only to have the baby refuse to open her mouth and then start whining and crying - will kill you. Add to it the knowledge that legally this child is not yours - oh yeah, over the edge you go.
We do laugh, and tell each other we love each other. We truly do. We are just vastly different. We've just put so much effort into being great parents that we have neglected being good partners. That just can't go on much longer.
Thanks for your advice and discussion - it has motivated me to tackle my above "list" tonight. Guess in the morning I'll be posting on how long she cries before she falls asleep and how many times she wakes up. Sweet mercy.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 8/01/2006 01:59:00 PM
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