Do We Dare?
Warning: long post ahead filled with many often incomplete thoughts. Sorry friends...if I loose you, I understand.I've got to get this out. I've got to get to a place where I don't think about it every day. I've got to stop bringing it up so much with Michael. I've got to have peace about it.
The "it" is this: Do we foster to adopt again? If so, when?
Michael and I have agreed on this much: If we decide we want another child, we want to get that child by fostering to adopt - not by private domestic or international adoption. We have also agreed that if we did this, that we would request an infant, and not request a specific gender. Michael said he does not have his heart set on needing to have a son. In addition, I keep having this thought about requesting to be put on the list to take another baby born cocaine addicted.
It feels crazy.
Cookie is all ours now. Why on earth would a sane person knowingly put themselves right back in the insanity of the foster care system - again - after they were finished?
Cookie's case was EASY. I cannot emphasize that enough. She came into care with every red flag imaginable - drug addicted mother who had been an addict for 8 years minimum, an incarcerated father who would be there for 9 years minimum, no family members without history with CPS themselves, prior adoptions of siblings who had been adopted from foster care after involuntary TPR, and a history of abuse so bad I cannot even put it into words. Cookie was born and placed with us at 2 days old. The goal was always adoption and not reunification. There were 2 visits with her birthmom. TPR was in the process by the time she was 6 months old. It would have gone faster had her birthmom gone AWOL from drug treatment and could not be served papers - bringing in the need for a warning lawyer and months more holdup. TPR was official October 31st. Before the end of the year, we had an adoption worker. We had a lawyer and a GAL with lightening speed, and a court date in a very short amount of time. She was adopted before she was 15 months old. This is relatively unheard of without voluntary TPR from both parents.
I know we would most likely not have this same ease again. I know we would have visits with birthparents, and even relationships with them to navigate. I know we would probably have children come and go before another child stayed. I know this is the job of foster parents.
While we hurt each time a child left our house, it was bearable. The pain of all that has vanished for me - completely. I wonder where they are and how they are doing, and I pray they are safe and happy and healthy - but I do not grieve. The grief was short-lived each time. That I know we can survive as long as we have each other and our daughter.
I worry about the effect on Cookie, and how she would deal with children coming and then leaving. She would miss them. At this age, she would not understand. I know adults who grew up having foster kids coming and going while they were growing up, and they seem better people for having had the experience. But still I worry. I don't want anything that I do intentionally to inflict hurt on my daughter. If I can prevent unnecessary pain, I will.
I worry about caring for two children, and how exhausted we are sometimes with just one. Cookie is a demanding and brilliant little girl. She plays hard, and investigates everything. She engages us in her play and needs a great deal of social interaction. From the time we get home at 5:30 on weekdays until we go to bed, she is non-stop action (or cuddling). I don't know how having two children would change that. How would we even have time to make dinner, pee, take a shower, or talk to each other. Would we risk loosing our marriage relationship in light of addressing the needs of two children?
Now, I realize in writing this that it is funny. My parents had two children. My in-laws had 3. Heck, Julie has two foster daughters under the age of 2 - and she is a single mom and doesn't even gripe about it!! The people adopting right before us in court have a total of 7 children in various stages of TPR and adoption from foster care - and they had to order and drive a 10-passenger van. This all makes my worry about two children seem silly. But I think I worry for good reason.
Michael and I had a vision of the life we wanted for ourselves, and frankly even the life we have now doesn't look anything like what we imagined (and this is very good on many levels). The life I imagined was with a fairly affluent white man with a career as a doctor, lawyer, etc., an upper class lifestyle, and two lovely biological children that would attend private school and go on to accomplish great things. I would have my career as a professor and writer and my research would be cited around the world.
Michael envisioned a life of solitude and great success. He saw himself remaining single, and writing a great deal. He saw limited interaction with friends and colleages, and being a "rock star" in his field. He did not want children, and had a difficult time comprehending why anyone would want children (and that is stating it nicely). We fought and argued over this a lot before we married, and even after we married. Michael believed that family obligations would prevent him from accomplishing all he wanted to do in his career. Which brings me to the next worry...
Tenure and promotion will be rearing its ugly head soon. How soon is yet to be determined as Michael has retained the option to use years toward tenure from his time as a professor at Ohio University. He could go up as soon as 2008, or as late as 2009 with decisions coming then as late as 2010. To a woman who is soon to be 36, that seems like an eternity for the 'ol biological clock. I really don't want to be over 40 and adopting another child. It's not that 40 is that old, or that many women don't birth children at that age, it's just something I'd try actively to avoid. It's a preference. My mother isn't even 60 yet, and is a breast cancer survivor, recently diagnosed with adult onset diabetes, a degenerative problem with her feet, and now a bad EKG. Give me a break! I really don't want to be dealing with health problems and a kid going through college angst at the same time. Yeah, I know there are no guarantees, but that doesn't mean I don't want to do everything possible to prevent that.
So, Michael really would want to wait until he has tenure and promotion somewhere before we go through this again. And I understand why. It's time consuming and tiring to the point of exhaustion. It's political and stressful and inherently personal. It's a necessary evil in what he does for a living. Yet, other people somehow manage. He has a colleague here who is having his second child in May and will be going up for tenure this fall. Obviously, people do it somehow. And they end up seemingly OK.
Money's not really an issue. We have Cookie's adoption subsidy that helps out a lot. Michael got a salary increase, and we both make a decent living. Our foster care supports here are tremendous, and we would once again have daycare paid for as well as WIC for formula, and the per diem that actually helps you pay for clothing, diapers, and toys. There is no reason we could not afford another child. And space is not an issue either. Our home is a 3 br, 2.5 bath - and Cookie's room is big enough for two small children. If we happened to get a boy, in a pinch Michael could give up his bedroom being his home office and move the computer desk into our huge bedroom. When kids got old enough to need their own rooms, we'll have enough to buy a bigger house at that point.
Obviously, our life will be full and complete and happy if it ends up being just the three of us. Still, I wonder about Cookie growing up an only child - especially given that we have absolutely no family anywhere near us. Even having a brother or sister seems better than just having the two of us all the time - and no one children to play with at home.
*sigh* I just don't know. It seems like every day I want to put our home back on the list for calls, but every day there seems to be so many worries.
I just feel like we have such a good life, and so much to give - and I see and hear about the hundreds of children coming into care every day, about half of whom will never be able to go back home or even to relatives.
I want another child.
But do I want to endure what I know full well I would have to in order to get there?
And is there enough of Michael and I to go around?
I don't feel like I have forever to decide.
My parents would think I was absolutely nuts. Knowing that makes it seem worth it right there (evil snicker).
I hope I get more clarity soon.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 3/06/2007 01:24:00 PM
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