Thus Ends A Week With My MIL
I'm still here. I am tired. It was a nice visit with my MIL. It was painful for me to see that she had nothing to do, and nothing that seemed to interest her. I felt like an awful hostess or DIL. She was (and is) a very polite and kind woman. But we are extremely different.I'll begin with a nice observation - she did seem to like Cookie, and spent a great deal of time holding, feeding, and rocking her. Cookie obviously enjoyed getting to know her Gramma, and no longer saw her as a stranger. As you can see by the pictures a couple posts down, it was a pretty good experience for both of them.
Now on to some things I need to just get out (this may turn into a vent):
She does not like/is afraid of cats. We have two. This made for a pretty bad combination, and for her spending a lot of time shooing (or trying to shoo) them away. I felt bad for her, but also felt bad for my cats. They are not my husband's cat, and he doesn't care for them either. But they were my first children, so to see them treated like disease-carrying rodents for a week was painful for me. I really do care about my cats. I think they probably feel bad about how they were treated all week. I realize that people come before pets, but it hurt my feelings. I couldn't just lock them up in a room with a litter box and food and water - it seemed inhumane, and I just couldn't do it.
She doesn't seem to like much in the way of food. In this regard, she's a lot like my husband who (most of the time) refuses to try anything new or even slightly different than that which he is used to. My MIL seems to only like that which she is used to. I'd describe myself like this: I like lasagna. My favorite lasagna is the kind that I make because I can make it exactly the way I want it. But I've eaten lots of different kinds of lasagna made by lots of different restaurants and people, and can appreciate the differences and still enjoy the lasagna. I felt bad this week because as hard as I tried to find good that she would enjoy, it just never seemed to be anything she actually enjoyed eating - and we tried what we thought was the best. Michael made a huge roast in the crock pot that was divine. We got Lee's fried chicken (a local favorite kicked-up-a-notch fried chicken), Brooklyn Pizza (best thin crust around), and even went to a family-owned-and-operated buffet after church on Sunday called Ward's Landing. Nothing really seemed to do it for her, and I know she just longed to eat what she was used to eating at home. I'm just not sure what that would have been.
She didn't seem happy much of the time, and I guess I didn't realize how much like my husband she is (I always thought Michael was more like his dad). I know Michael comes from a very different family. My family talks a lot - we cook together, eat together, gossip, try to solve world problems, and poke fun at all kinds of things and each other. We get out and do things together. We outwardly show signs of enjoying life. Michael has a pretty tough time with this. If you didn't know him, you'd think he was either angry or depressed, or extremely sleep-deprived the majority of the time. He has to work mindfully at enjoying life and letting me know he enjoys being with me. I used to cry a lot about how he was with me - interpersonally. Most of the time I felt like he absolutely hated being in my presence. He had no idea how to express himself, and for the most part felt pretty overwhelmed with life in general. I think he's come a long way in the last two years. He pushes himself to be more social, to smile more, and to enjoy the everyday stuff of life. It feels odd to see how much like his parents he really is. Unfortunately, it reminded me too much of how he used to be. It ought to be easier for me to see and acknowledge that, but instead it flooded my mind with painful memories of the past. I don't know why exactly - I think it was just seeing him in her. Ugh - clearly I'm not explaining myself well, and anyone reading this will be shaking their head thinking "what in the heck is she trying to say?" With that, I'll move on...
I'm frustrated that I've been living in my house for 6 months now, and it still seems like a messy wreck. No pictures hung - not one. Dozens of boxes are still in the garage. My kitchen counters are so strewn with bottles, nipples, and baby accoutrements that I have no space to cook. If I want to cook something, it had better be something I can prepare with the space I have on top of the stove alone - or I won't be able to cook it. Part of it is having too much crap in too small a space - and our house is 1830 square feet! I mean to organize and clean, but by the time I get home from work at 5:45, I just want to get out of my work clothes, hold the baby and sit on the sofa for a spell. Then it's grabbing a bite to eat while trading off with my husband holding the baby, bathing said baby, re-dressing baby, trying to calm down a fussy teeting baby, watching Jeopardy, trying to get baby to sleep...and by the time baby is asleep or calm, I am wiped out. Weekends have been taken up with travel or MIL, or just trying to get the essential errands done before the weekend, that the house seems to always get put on the back burner. We even own a lawnmower and Michael has mowed the yard ONCE. All other times a neighbor kid has mowed it, and we have paid them. I swear - a brand new $300 lawnmower in the garage and we are paying someone else to cut the grass on our postage-stamped size yard. Mercy.
I read Dan's post on burnout over at Other People's Kids. I related. We have never done respite care because it would mean dropping the baby off with complete strangers (while she is teething). We have no family in state, and we don't have the kind of friends that would take the baby overnight (especially knowing she will not sleep through the night, and how hard it is to get her to sleep in the first place).
I identify with Lisa - scared someone will hear (or read) my post and think I don't deserve to be a mom - or tell me if I wanted kids so bad why am I complaining about taking care of the baby?
It's not the baby. It's the stuff of life - the house, the yard/lawn, work, marriage (of only a little over 2 years)...and oh yeah - church. Friends? Um, what are those?
You get the point. It's a lot. I'm tired. (I think I said that already.)
And I'm getting a little tired of the "waiting game" of fostering-to-adopt. The 161 paperwork for TPR requesting a court date has been at the courthouse for almost a month (since May 15th). We have heard nothing. I try not to think about it, but there are daily reminders - the nice, well-meaning people who ask us how the adoption is coming along, and the appointment I had to make at the pediatrician where I first said I was her mother then had to later explain I was her "foster mom" when asked about her last name and lack of information. It is knowing how long this process will likely take - and reading accounts of others and swallowing hard when I truly understand that Cookie could be two years old before she is legally ours. I won't lie - it is emotionally exhausting. Sometimes I have to work so hard to put it out of my mind and move on - that I am mentally wiped out.
I have friends going through what I consider a hell-on-earth with the foster-to-adopt system in another state. My heart grieves for them. I know if we do this foster parenting thing long enough, we will be there too one day. God knows I pray for their grief to end soon. I can't share more, but please just pray for all the foster parents out there who get jerked around by "the system" that has really screwed up ways of "protecting children".
I'll bounce-back. Really, I will. Gosh, this all seems so gloomy. I'm usually pretty cheerful. I have faith in God. I pray all the time. I know I have a really awesome life. I have a great house - even if its a disaster. I have a great husband - even if he is anti-social. And I have a beautiful daughter - even if she doesn't have our last name (yet).
If all this was to build my perseverance, I am really gonna be a warrior one day.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 6/12/2006 03:40:00 PM
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