My First Real Nightmare
I was sick yesterday, though I'm not sure with what. I only know that whatever was inside me wanted to get out quickly. And I don't barf unless I absulutely have to. I hate barfing. So I didn't. I called in sick and spent the entire day asleep in bed. But instead of feeling great, it was absolutely dreadful. I had horrible dreams of torture and pain and anguish. I had a bad dream about Cookie.I dreamed that Michael and I had to take her to a visit, and when we returned to pick her up, she was gone. We were told that Biomom had tested negative for drugs and gotten a job, so they gave Cookie back - for good. I was a sobbing mess on the floor. It was absolute hell. No one even said they were sorry. We were sent away. We begged for another child, but we were told they didn't have any. We tried to go adopt a child, but every child was taken or had horrible disabilities that would render them unable to even communicate.
When I woke up for the dream, I was shaking and sweating. I saw the empty crib across the room, and for a good 15 minutes I sat on the edge of the bed trying to figure out if it was a dream, or reality. I sipped some water, and staggered downstairs to find the dishwasher running. Clearly, my husband had been home and left again - and still no baby. I tried to call his cell phone, but there was no answer.
It was an hour and a half before he arrived home with Cookie. He had picked her up from daycare and gone grocery shopping with her. Apparently, he had been home for quite a long time and had gone in to check on me but I never woke up.
Seeing Cookie was a relief. I told Michael about my nightmares, and it was very hard not to cry. He said it only proved that the devil was alive and well.
At our last training class, we were told by very experienced foster parents not to expect the judge to grant TPR because it was too early and Cookie was too young. Apparently, no one has ever even heard of an adoption being done before a child's 2nd birthday. I think this really got to me. The thought of any judge ordering that this woman be given "more time" just tears me up. I know I have to mentally prepare for the worst, but it just killed me. I know the other women were just trying to inform me and give me a dose of reality, but I think it really got to me.
No nightmares last night, but I'm still feeling ill today. My stomach is still in knots.
But McDonald's has definately improved their coffee. It is still not Starbucks, but it is palatable. Of course, this morning makes for a sample size of 1, but it was alright.
Please pray that Satan leaves me alone.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 6/23/2006 09:37:00 AM
<< Home