Privacy and Blogging
Pyjama Mama writes...When you make the decision to author a public blog, are you giving up your right to privacy? Does the act of blogging make it the public’s right to know every intricate detail about what you do? Does the fact that you have a public blog give anyone the right to dive into your personal past or history, simply because you own a public means of expression?
Where is the line drawn?
Discuss.
OK, sweetie, I'm game.
When I started this blog over a year ago, it was for reasons that are less than happy. I was a newlywed in my first ever interracial relationship with a man who was extremely different from me, and (to get down to brass tacks) my marriage was failing. I was also diagnosed with PCOS and faced infertility head-on. I knew about blogging, and had seen a fair share of them, but hadn't made the commitment. That all changed when I put up my first few posts and realized that the catharsis I felt and the realization that I had a public voice that was different than any voice I previously had was enough to motivate me to continue.
In short, it is my position that I only give up my right to privacy to the extent that I choose to. For example, on this blog I began by using my first name only - my real first name, and my husband's real first name. I also used our real city. Had I been blogging about more unscrupulous, illegal, or immoral things I might have considered pseudonyms.
I only recently put up a picture of myself (and my baby) in my profile. That was my choice - a going more public, if you will. Some folks have advised me that putting up pictures of your foster children in your blog is something you should not do. I agree - to an extent. Children have to be protected because they cannot defend themselves. In the line of work that I do, we refer to children as a "vulnerable population". So, I have never used my child's real name. I haev disclosed the name we plan to give to her once the adoption is final - but her birth name is something that only our close friends and family know. I do not reveal the identity of her birth parents, though by the actions they have chosen, and their continued behavior, the law sees to it that they are registered and quite public. Again, a matter of choice. I've talked to social workers about it, and they know about my blog. They also know I will protect my child.
But this all seems to beg the question of wether we really have privacy to begin with, and wether the protection of privacy is inherently a right (and wether our country truly protects that right as much as the rhetoric reflects). I would answer "no" to all of the above, for reasons that I'd just rather not go into here (again, choice - if I don't want to tell something, I don't have to. Folks can ask, and I can also choose to remain silent - ah ha - another basic"right" - to remain silent.)
Interpersonally, I would much rather people ask me something than to speculate, or talk about me behind my back. For example, I have much more respect for individuals who ask me about my interracial marriage and discrimination and the impact it has had on my family of origin, than those who whisper with hands cupped over their mouths while staring at my husband and I and our lilly-white child. I am happy to talk about tough issues - even those that are personal. I am not at all uncomfortable in telling someone that I prefer not to talk about something - their asking does not offend me.
Case in point, when we tell people that we are adopting, many times they will ask, "Oh, are you two unable to have biological chidren?" It's a logical question, I think. There are lots of reasons folks adopt, and frankly this one is the biggie. It also opens up the discussion. See, I never know why folks ask the questions they do - but many times I find that if I worry less about my privacy and think more about the possibilities for forming a community, I am less offended. I never know if that person might also be infertile and trying to consider his/her options. Maybe that person doesn't know about adoption from foster care, and our story could inspire them to do the same. Maybe that person is looking for meaning in their life, and that very probing and personal question could be the one that allows me to tell them what God has done in my life, and how without my salvation, I would be nothing. I have been rescued. I am a miracle. But unless they ask, I can't know.
PJ Mama asks about the public's right to know every intricate detail about what we do. "Oh, hell naw", as we would say here in Kentucky. But I do understand folks' desire to know. The more I learn about my friend Lisa, in LA, the more I want to know about her foster son and his circumstances and birth family. I think of her often. I pray for her and her family and foster son. And...I want to know more. It's natural. Aristotle wrote about how the mind works, and essentially he postulated that we all have a strong desire to fill-in-the blanks...to categorize, and to make meaning out of our world by doing that. Our minds are like a mailroom with little cubbie holes and we like order in the mailroom. We get frustrated when things just don't add up, and we attempt to resolve the frustration by filling in the blanks - either with more information (i.e. intricate details), or by making guesses ("oh, she must just be more attracted to black me in general - she must be disillusioned with white men in general"). And, as the example illustrates, we are very often dead wrong.
People have a right to delve wherever they want to go, and I have the right to respond to that however I see fit. This is simplistic, I know, but it really can be a beautiful interpersonal dance. I see it a lot like dating. I mean, if you are dating - and actively so, you are "putting yourself out there" in a sense. Perhaps you go to bars or clubs, or single's meetings at church, or events that are geared toward singles. People will try to get to know you, and there are sets of unspoken rules of interaction. You wouldn't expect someone you have recently met to ask about your income, your favorite selections from the Kama Sutra, the causes of your divorce, or the like. But eventually, we do ask these things. Sometimes we ask them or someone asks them of us too quickly, and we get uncomfortable. But we expect that we will be asked because that's the nature of the situation. Blogging is like that too. I have a blog - and it's public. I blog about things that people are sometimes interested in, and I put out topics that lend themselves to questions and probing - things like PCOS, infertility, faith, marital relationships, foster parenting, adoption, and parenting. I expect to be asked all kinds of things. I hope I am asked all kinds of things. In fact, I'd like to be asked more questions than I am. I prefer questions to comments sometimes, as these give me more of a pluralistic perspective on my life as a whole.
I guess this can be summed up by saying that everyone has the right to ask me anything, and I have the greatest of all rights.
That is, I have the right to remain silent.
But notice what follows next: "Anything you say may be used against you..." Well now, that's pretty severe. But that's life, isn't it. How many times do I wish I would have just kept my big mouth shut (or my computer off)?
How much we would all learn about each other if we would just put that right into practice more often.
Agency. Free will. Choice.
It's because of these things that I can't always blame my fellow wo/man.
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 7/06/2006 09:12:00 AM
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