My Pre-Midlife Crisis

Getting Back on Track

Satan truly wants us to be miserable. He works hard to see to it we doubt ourselves, each other, and God. After Friday's home visit, I tried to pull myself together. Then Sunday came and of the 6 women in my Sunday School class (including me), 3 of them - HALF - are pregnant. If another couple would have been there who come on occasion, pregnant women would have outnumbered those of us who are not. But instead of crawling into an emotional hole, I talked it out. As we went around the room and went through our weekly "highs and lows", I talked a bit about how difficult the home visit was, and it felt better to just articulate it. You cannot have my soul, Satan - and you can't have my family.

I learned this weekend that I had never truly forgiven my husband for trying to kill himself. It happened after a weekend visit I had with Michael in May of last year. We had gotten married in March, and I had driven to Ohio to spend some time with him before my summer teaching started. I would be moving in June to Lexington. We fought a lot on that visit. He wasn't interested in physical intimacy, and I had found a story he wrote after we got married about how he didn't want to marry me, and was still in love with an old ex-girlfriend named Maggie. On his way down for the wedding, he stopped at a gas station and saw a woman he thought was her. I left for Georgia that Sunday morning, and I had a 12 hour drive ahead of me. I left angry, and Michael just wanted me to shut up and leave. He said he would call when I was about halfway home to check on me. I tried to call him at the halfway point and several times after that, and got no answer on his home phone, cell phone, or office. I figured he'd gone for a drive.

When I was in Tennessee and stopped for gas, I saw I had a voice mail message on my cell phone. It was Michael. He said he was just calling to tell me he loved me and he hoped the trip was going well - but the number on the caller ID was not his, nor was it a number I recognized. I hit the road, and pressed "call return". A woman answered - the emergency room at the hospital in Athens, Ohio. I froze. I told her that I was Michael's wife, and was he there. Yes, she said he had admitted himself, and he was okay. But she could not tell me what had happened. I started to cry, and begged her to tell me. She couldn't. I begged her, and pleaded. She said to hold on. Somehow, she had taken a cordless phone to my husband, who said he had "done something really stupid" but that he was okay. He had taken an entire box of sleeping pills and laid down to die. (Now, whether that would have been enough to do it is up for debate, but nonetheless, in that moment he wanted to die). He does not know how much time passed, but apparently he woke up and panicked and realized he did not want to die, and drove himself to the emergency room. They hooked him up to an IV and monitored him and sent a social worker to talk to him. After making sure he was okay, they sent him home. Meanwhile, there I was in the middle of Tennessee in the dark driving home and I couldn't get back to Ohio to be with him. I had to teach the next morning in Georgia. I cried the entire drive home. After that, Michael wanted to dismiss the incident as a "stupid mistake". I suppose now I understand that, but I never got a chance to grieve or understand or heal. I had no one I could talk to about it. So I tried to let it go and focus on the positives of starting a new life together in Kentucky.

This weekend, I admitted to him that I had never truly forgiven him. I felt awful when I realized that I had carried this in my heart so long. I asked God to take the anger and resentment from me, and I feel like so much weight is gone from my heart. Michael is sorry about what he did, and he has apologized over and over again. But my resentment and selfishness prevented me from healing and prevented us from growing together more as a couple. Here, Satan, you can have your anger and your resentment back - I no longer need it.

We were honest when we filled out our paperwork. We held nothing back. We could have lied or covered up things that are less-than-stellar in our pasts, but we chose to do the right thing. We will not lie to get the child we want. We also knew that if we lied, we would not have been following God, or being faithful. We knew if we did not keep up our end of the bargain, God wouldn't either.

On Sunday, we bought a crib. We stepped out in faith. We know that we have done everything right in this process, and we know our hearts are in the right place. $150 might seem low-risk, but for us at the end of summer when Michael isn't on regular pay, money is tight. But buying that crib was a commitment. We said to ourselves and God that we are ready. I have a carseat in my car, a crib in our house, a stroller, a bouncy seat, a walker, a tub seat, various baby toiletries, and various clothes from infant to 3T filling drawers and some closet space. We are ready, God. I'm sorry we have done things along the way to prevent your will for our lives from being fulfilled.

My little smile this morning: Michael walked into the front room which is now the nursery - and the cat (Macy Gray) was in the crib. When I went in, I saw that the cat was particularly content and looked up at me as if to say "thanks for the awesome bed". She has a rude awakening in store.

posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 8/22/2005 11:05:00 AM