Some Big Changes
In a past life, I've been a singer, a secretary, a graduate student, a professor...an endless list of identities it seems.I'm at the crossroads of 30-something ville. In March, 2004 I married someone I thought could be my partner and best friend. I quit a job I loved as a professor, and moved my jobless self to Lexington, Kentucky. (The license plates on the cars here feature a smiling cartoon sun with the statement "It's that friendly." but I would argue for many reasons not to advertise that - false advertising being but one of them.
I teach college classes and work full time as a research educator at the University of Kentucky. I began my job there last month, and enjoy it immensely. Most days I say a prayer of thanks that I ended up in a full-time position in higher education (I really should pray more, but that's another story).
In the greater search for life fulfillment, I find myself wondering about children- whether to have them, or whether my partner and I can have them. This will perhaps be the greatest hurdle, as I may write about in future volumes. My husband is certain he could live his entire life childless, and never feel he missed out on a thing. I used to feel that way, when the hopes of feminism sprang eternal in my breast (both of them). But I was a different person then, and my mind has changed.
I think I am beginning to believe in a biological clock - or believe more in an old colleague who used to say "we are hardwired as Homosapien-Sapiens to do one thing: make more DNA". She was, and is, a very cool woman who I might also have to write about sometime. She, strangely enough, would understand my new-found desire to reproduce.
I'm having a terrible internal battle. Why on earth would a sane woman with the whole world at her fingertips want to "ruin it all" by having children? Have my feminist roots withered away and died? Am I too old at almost 34 to now be considering trying to conceive? And what about my career? What would happen to my independence? What if adoption is our only option? (More about attending my first informational session on adoption to follow in a later blog.)
Obviously, I am struggling. Unfortunately, my husband and marriage are feeling it, too. He is frustrated, and does not understand my desire in the least. Why?...Um, his maleness does not fully explain the phenomenon.
My husband is a good person (I must write about him later, too). I see him as fatally flawed as I see myself. I like him, although there are many times I do not enjoy being in his company. I am certain he feels the same way about me. He is a professor, a bookworm, and introvert, a perfectionist in some ways - a slob in another. He is affectionate when he wants to be (aren't we all), and does not offer affection much without prompting (and sometimes not after prompting). He seems overwhelmed with life a lot, and I worry about him. He came from an awesome family (I am lucky in the in-law department) and has little (objectively) to worry about. But he never seems to believe he is good enough - award after award and accolade upon accolade - and still he sees himself as far less than others see him.
So, in weeks ahead, I think I'll write about children, marriage, balancing work and home life, and figuring out how to manage "it all". I see my sisters out there trying to do the same thing every day. We all want to be "Super Woman" - "Wonder Woman" with her invisible jet and magic lasso and silver bracelets. BTW - you must watch the original Wonder Woman and listen to the theme song sometime. It is truly hilarious: "..fighting for your rights, in her satin tights...".
posted by No Longer In Crisis @ 2/01/2005 02:11:00 PM
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