My Pre-Midlife Crisis

Closing Down This Blog - Please Read

2007-05-17T23:00:00.000-04:00

Faithful readers and internet friends,
For reasons I won't blog about here, I'm closing down this blog and starting a new one immediately. To follow me there, please send me an email telling me who you are to:
pre-midlifecrisis at the the email that is hot. I will email you with the web address. I love you all. Please email soon!

Test 3

2007-05-17T21:03:00.000-04:00

It is 7:50 on Thursday, May 17th, 2007 - I am going to set this post to post at 9:03pm

Test

2007-05-16T12:46:00.000-04:00

test post

Utensils

2007-05-09T13:45:00.000-04:00

Cookie is now eating with a fork and spoon…and INSISTING that she be allowed to stab at everything on her plate (and yours) HERSELF. If you cut anything up for her and try to feed it to her, there WILL be a price to pay that will not be pretty (but rest assured – it will be inventive).

Last night, she was hollering throughout dinner for various reasons (exhaustion, ear ache, etc.) but desperately wanted MY mashed potatoes. She begrudgingly let me feed them to her with my fork, but then got so desperate for a utensil that she took a Cheese-it cracker and used it as a tiny "spork" with which to scoop up mashed potatoes off of my plate and into her mouth. Of course, she would suck the mashed potatoes off the Cheese-it and then go right back in to scoop up more potatoes with the saliva-covered cracker. Eventually, of course, said Cheese-it would disintegrate into my mashed potatoes, causing her to simply grab a fresh one and start thee process over again.

She managed to convince me to give her a fork and allow her to stab at pieces of broccoli and small pieces of steak I had purposefully cut up into tiny pieces and left off to the side of my plate.

This morning at daycare, Michael took her in and she waved to the little girl she smacked the other day (leading Michael to believe that Cookie was merely saying “That’s right – stay clear of my daddy and you’ll have no trouble.”) She then sat right down at the table where breakfast was being served and started diving a bowl of orange pieces and eating Rice Krispies WITH A SPOON. They put just enough milk on them to get them nice and soggy – then the kids get to go at it….WITHOUT A BIB!

Apparently she is quite skilled at daycare – and lets us believe at home that she is a food-thrower. Uh-huh. I see you laughing – you can stop now.

Here's My Sign...

2007-05-08T11:00:00.000-04:00

You know you have a toddler when your Amazon & Half*com wish lists USED to (and still do) list "The Multi-Orgasmic Couple" and NOW list "Elmo's World" DVDs and "The Very Hungry Catterpillar" *sigh*

Your Recommendations Needed Please

2007-05-07T13:38:00.000-04:00

I'm looking for your recommendations on two fronts:

1) DVDs that would be good for Cookie
2) Portable DVD player primarily for the car

We're going to Ohio for my birthday (hurray for estate and charity auctions!), and I'm worried about traveling with a toddler!

First, Cookie is almost 17 months old, and fairly advanced. She requires lots of stimulation, and sicne we haven't taken a car trip with her since she was pretty little, I'm wondering how to entertain her.

She doesn't normally watch TV, and when its on seems completely uninterested. Any DVDs would have to be pretty awesome to keep her attention.

Second, we'e never bought a portable DVD player and don't want to buy an el-cheap-o that won't work after 6 months. Nor do I want to spend a lot of money on technology that will totally change in 6 months.

So, if you have any experience with these things - please leave comments so I can go out and buy soon!

Proof I am a Pimp

2007-05-04T10:32:00.000-04:00

There now exists evidence that I would make a good thief. OK, a very small amount of evidence that I would make a decent shoplifter. OK, I would suck, but that is not the point. The point is this:

Cookie's Auntie June sent her an enormous box of clothes - all beautiful and all for summer. Well, it's now in the upper 70s and muggy here, so Cookie's been wearing them one outfit at a time, and I came to the last of the outfits, and lo and behold...

a security ink tag still attached!!!

Dang it.

I didn't want to tell Auntie June because she would feel bad, and she lives in FL, and it wouldn't be worth the postage and gas back and forth, and I didn't even know where she had bought it.

So, I googled it. God bless google.

I came across threaded discussions on the topic ranging from power tools to magnets. I had even brought the outfit in to work in hopes that a co-worker with kids, or a co-worker who had worked in retail would have a secret. The only idea said co-worker had was to freeze it and then use pliers. Yikes. I pictured flying glass shards and ink all over the place.

Then I saw a cool idea:

Take a large think rubber band (the kind mail carriers use to bundle packages) (hey, I have a bunch on my desk) and wrap it tightly around the pin holding the two halves together. Slowly wind and twist the rubber band tightly around the pin, and you'll see the halves gradually move apart. When the rubber band is all the way around and you can't wrap anymore, slowly and carefully twist the rectangular flat piece (the one without the ink in it). You'll hear snapping. Pull out slowly and gently and you'll keep hearing popping, and then - wha-la - it pops off - no ink, no glass - just two complete halves of a security tag successfully removed.

I am a pimp. I even had to show co-workers my skill.

I even had to take a picture of it, so you would believe me.

And, oh yeah, I did it over an empty trash can "just in case". And, yeah, I was scared. :)

My daughter and I are both gangsta.

The Rumble in the Daycare

2007-05-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

When Michael went to pick up Cookie at daycare, another little girl ran up to him with her arms outstretched - it happens a lot – the other little girls in her class think Michael is very, very cool – and they want to run up and hug him – Michael does not know why this is…

Anyhow, Cookie saw this little girl running up to Michael - her daddy – and Cookie WACKED HER in the face and pushed her away from HER DADDY.

Michael said he had a “firm talk” with her in the moment about NOT HITTING.

BUT he said it was HILARIOUS because she really wacked the girl in the head good and was CLEARLY jealous. The other girl, he said, looked shocked, but did not cry. Michael checked to make sure she was OK, and she was fine (albeit startled).

Um, yeah – no siblings for now I guess.

My child is a daycare thug/gangsta. :)

Fur Can Also Be a Girl's Best Friend

2007-04-30T11:09:00.000-04:00

When I was about 13, I begged my parents to buy me a fur coat. Nevermind the fact that we lived on the east coast of Florida - I wanted a fur coat. So one day I got that fur coat - a solid white rabbit fur - came a bit below the waist with pockets and a white leather belt. Oh my did I love that coat. I loved it so much, that I still have that fur coat in spite of the fact that I was a size 8 when I got it, and am now a size 18. I just can't bear to part with that coat.

And along came my daughter.

Last night after her bath, Cookie was roaming around the master bedroom wearing nothing but a diaper and happened to wander into the closet. She had been eyeing the fur coat that had been hanging there waiting for me to get the guts to sell it. Well, apparently temptation was too great, and Cookie reached up and snatched the fur coat and ran away with it to the other side of the bedroom. It was bed time and while she usually gets a sippy cup of highly watered-down juice and a woobie of some sort to hold - all she wanted last night was the coat. So, I let her crawl up into the bed, pop her paci into her mouth, and wrap her naked body in white rabbit fur. The look on her face said it all. She was in heaven. Her little fingers worked the fur on one side and the silky lining on the other. She rubbed the fur against her smooth belly and closed her eyes. Life was - at that moment - perfect.

And, no, I did not take the fur away. She slept with the fur. I waited too long for her to care more about a coat than about her enjoyment of it.

On the less-cute side of life, Cookie's latest thing is to say "Mom-MEEEE" over and over and over again, in rapid fire...ALL THE TIME and most of the time in a not-so-cute whiny voice. I did not think the name Mommy would become annoying this quickly. WHY can't it be "Dad-DEE"???

Cookie's Baptism Pictures

2007-04-24T14:21:00.000-04:00

Mommy & Cookie sitting in the nursery before church:

Waiting to get baptized:

Cookie gets a corsage:

A baptized Cookie:

Cookie & Daddy at the reception:

A happy Mommy at the reception:

Ms. Brenda loves Cookie:

Cookie & her Grammy play at the reception (Grampy was taking the pictures):

Many thanks to my dad for the beautiful pictures and for capturing these very special moments. The "actual" baptism wasn't photographed because mom and dad stood up front with us. It was a wonderful day we will never forget. I'm proud to share these with you!

My Child, The Shoe Addict

2007-04-23T10:13:00.000-04:00

My daughter loves shoes. (No, this is not an advertisement.) I mean, she REALLY loves shoes. She loves carrying them around, taking them off, and trying to put them back on again. She loves the ones that light up when you walk, and she loves velcro. She loves having LOTS of shoes.

That's my girl!

But I did want to take a minute to tell you about our all-time favorite shoes. Seriously, who among us hasn't struggled in vain to get a pair of shoes on a squirming toddler? And who hasn't watched their poor kid try to walk in clunky shoes?

I LOVE these shoes, folks - this is serious LOVE. They are called Pedipeds, and though they are not cheap, they are so worth it. You can get them in a few specialty stores, or you can just order them through the website.

Cookie has 3 pairs she wears now (blue and white "sneakers", white dress shoes, and the black patent leather dress shoes), and I bought 2 pairs for her to wear in about 6 months once she needs the next size up.

$30 a pair is a lot to spend on kids shoes, but I really do love these. I can get them on her in seconds, and she actually leaves them on, and the soft flexible bottom was fabulous when she started walking. I've washed them - and if you set them out to dry, they really wash up nicely.

If you order through website, you get free shipping if you buy 2 or more pairs.

OK, so now that I've gone off on this little shopping tangent...

What are your favorite baby or toddler products or gear? I want to know!

(Really, what else do I need to shop for while I'm supposed to be working?)

Cookie's Baptism

2007-04-20T16:43:00.000-04:00

All went well this past weekend. My parents came up from Florida, Cookie entertained them immensely, and church on Sunday was quite nice.

Cookie wore a beautiful dress I got from Little Girl Dresses online - it was spectacular. Of course, as soon as we all got up on the stage, she sneezed and huge globs of snot went flying all over her face...and she cried when Pastor Chris put the water on her head. But he said that if she didn't cry, he hadn't done it right - so there!

I sang in church for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long. I sang an old Steve Green song called "I Can See" that tells the story of Cleopas on the Road to Emmaus. If you've never read the story, or it's been a while, take a moment and digest it again. It's one of my favorite stories - the reasons which I shall discuss at a later time. I think I even impressed myself that I still had the chops to sing well despite the lack of opportunities I've had to keep in shape musically.

Dad repainted my master bathroom and hung all new hardware while he was here. It used to be a hideous shade of a rather dark robin's egg blue - and it's a big bathroom, so that's a whole lot of blue. To top it off, it was a bad paint job with obviously cheap paint, and no one bothered to cut-in well, or paint the ceiling. Dad did everything like a perfectionist under a microscope - inspecting every nook and cranny. My bathroom is now a beautiful celadon (light celery green) with very white trim and ceiling, and white and silver hardware and accessories. It looks like a spa. It is the best gift he could have given me - I've hated the look of that bathroom since we moved in, and now it's my favorite room in the whole house. He also helped me pick up new paint for my front door and new knobs for the kitchen cabinets, and helped me get the supplies to do it myself when it dries up and gets a bit warmer. (The front door is also (no shock here)...blue.)

I actually enjoyed my folks, and Michael pretty much hid away in his office most of the time, so his level of interaction with them was kept to the evening meal, where he could avoid interaction by always ensuring that his mouth was full. I was angry with him, but it will take a long time (if it ever happens) for him to forgive them for things they said before we got married.

We're all doing well - fighting sinus infections and allergies, and trying in vain to get enough sleep - and praying for the semester to come to an end very soon.

Pictures will be posted as soon as I get them in the mail from mom!

Calling All Bloggers

2007-04-06T10:57:00.000-04:00

I would really like to update the blogroll I've got going to the right...

Are you a foster parent? An adoptive parent? Training to be a foster parent or foster-to-adopt parent? Do you have a cool mom or dad blog? Would you like to be on my blogroll? Then please comment and let me know who you are, what category you'd fit under, and what your blog is. I'd love to have you, offer support for you, and pray for you!

I see this little slice of the blog-o-sphere as a genuine source of support - and an incredibly valuable one at that.

Once upon a time, I was going through an absolutely dreadful spell with my husband, and a blogger friend sent the most loving email and suggested counseling - and we went, and are much better for it.

When we got kids, and saw kids go, blogger friends emailed their support. And when we celebrated steps completed toward adoption, blogger friends joined in to celebrate another child getting a forever family. I'm so grateful for every single one of you who stop by. Wether we "call" it a support group or not, it is for me - and for many of us.

So, please, if you've never commented, or if I don't have you in the blogroll and you would like to be, please let me know. I'd love to increase even more the level of support we foster and adoptive parents can give each other every step along the way.

I feel the need to foster to adopt another child. I don't think my husband feels the same, so I'm trying to let it go until we can be on the same page. Fostering is hard enough on its own - you definately don't need an uncommitted parter making things worse. My guess is that if you stick with me long enough, you'll see another child in the future. I'd love to adopt again, and I think Cookie might learn to like a sibling one day (after she gets over the jealousy). Clearly, my journey has just begun.

Want to come along for the ride and support?

Oh Boy...Stickers!

2007-04-04T16:09:00.000-04:00

The stickers on the box were apparently the BEST past of the Easter basket that arrived in the mail from Grammy and Grandpy B!

(And, yes, that is MY kid running around in just a diaper. We ARE in KY you know! Hehehe.)

My Silly Cookie

2007-03-29T14:28:00.000-04:00

Cookie was 15 months old on the 20th, so I figured I'd post here some of the funnier (or just plain cool) things she does.

She takes our keys and runs to the front door and tries to put one (or more) keys into the doorknob - then turns around and says "Bye bye" or "Byyyeeeeee" over and over again.

She loves being naughty, and if she is caught being naughty, she does whatever she is doing with rapid-fire pace and much gusto and laughter until you come and sweep her up and away from the scene of the crime (like splashing in the cat's water bowl, or pulling the TP off the roll).

She loves reading books, and every night after bathtime, she goes over to the bookcase in our bedroom where her books are kept, and she "selects" a few by then coming over and throwing them onto our bed. When she has "selected" enough, she puts her arms up to be picked up for story time. If said book is not as scintilating and she thought it might have been, she'll wriggle down off the bed and go get a different book. This process can go on for a long time every night until her father or I have to cut off story time.

She has a few favorite books like "Hello Peter Rabbit" and Baby Animals - all of which are touch-and-feel books, as well as a few other books with pictures of real animals. Her favorite animals are the cow and the duck. At the cow picture, she will say "Moooooo", but not "cow", and she can correctly identify "duck", but not the sound yet. Mooing at the picture of the cow seems to bring her much joy.

Speaking of joy, Cookie has a new word. When she gets REALLY excited about something she or someone/something else does that amazes her, she proclaims loudly…“Ohwowyay” – all one word – but clearly a combination of OH! WOW! YAY! But it comes out as “Ohwowyay” every single time. I, of course, think it is the coolest word ever.

Some words that she knows very, very well are mama and dada (or Da-Doo, depending on her mood), cat or kittty-kitty (also depending on her mood), dog, duck, bah-baah (basketball), baby, ball, bah-bah, hi, bye-bye, night-night, uh-oh, and "ohwowyay". She has also recently learned "no-no" which she only says when she does something wrong - like when I had told her not to put something in her mouth and she then did it quickly and shook her head back and forth and said "no-no" (grinning the entire time, of course).

The body part she loves the most is "belly button" - which she will gladly point to (and stick her finger in) if you ask her "Where's Cookie's belly button?"

If you ask her to do something, she will invariably do it with a great deal of understanding. For example, if she drops her sippy cup, I can say "Cookie, pick up your cup please" and she'll stop and go back and pick it up and bring it to me. I can also ask her to bring me something or come over to me, and she'll understand and comply.

When she gets very excited (which is often) she stomps her feet and flaps her arms and looks like she is about to take off in flight. She's got a fabulous grin, and all 4 molars now, and facial expressions that are over-the-top on the dramatic scale.

She's got a great sense of humor, and loves to play peek-a-boo with the shower curtain or anything else she can find. She plays basketball with her daddy, and he picks her up so she can "dunk" the ball (she prefers the huge full-size basketball to her little ones).

She eats anything - and doesn't pass up food very often. She loves yogurt, ham, turkey, all kinds of cheese, crackers, spaghetti, rice, all kinds of veggies (especially brocolli), and would fight you for your Chinese food.

Any box or package that comes to the house is HERS - by her own definition. SHE gets to open it and then deem it worthy or unworthy of her attention (even if it is clearly something for Michael or I like a book or CD, or organic sunflower seeds. The box is usually way more cool than the contents.

At her doctor visit last week, she was just over 30 inches tall, and a little over 24 pounds. She's right at the 50th percentile, so she's doing great. So far, ear infections are the most dreadful thing we've had to deal with health-wise, so we really can't complain.

15 months *deep sigh*

I can't believe it's gone so quickly.

She loves with great passion and enthusiasm, and acts just like her mommy and daddy.

Just the the other day, I was talking to Michael and pretending to choke someone, and she saw me do that and laughed and made the exact same gesture.

And THIS is just the beginning.

Eggrolls

2007-03-28T12:00:00.000-04:00

In our house, Chinese takeout is a staple. It is as common as milk, bread, and cereal. The best part of this is that all three of us love it - and Cookie perhaps loves it the most. When the brown paper sack comes into the house, Cookie wants to be the one to tear it open where they have stapled it shut. She then takes the various bags and boxes and sauces and places each one on the coffee table (where, of course, all good Chinese food is meant to be eaten - while watching Jeopardy).

About a month ago, we were finished eating and Cookie was still gnawing on half an eggroll and running around the livingroom with it. I announced it was bathtime, and she eagerly went over to climb the stairs (eggroll still in hand). Since this was not unusual, I allowed her to carry her precious eggroll into the bathroom.

I turned on the water in the tub, and she began ceremoniously throwing her tub toys into the water one by one. So, there she was finally - naked and gnawing on an eggroll waiting for the tub to fill up. I turned my back for a few seconds to grab a towel and washcloth from underneath the sink when all of a sudden Cookie let out a blood-curdling scream. As I spun around I found she was standing right where she had been, but was peering hoplessly into the tub and crying. Why, you might ask?

Well, there, floating in the middle of the tub with her toys amidst the bubbles was...

her eggroll.

Apparently in her haste to throw her toys into the tub, she also threw in the eggroll amidst the joy.

The soggy yellow lump floated in the bubbles and fragments of cabbage and pork bits bobbed about as a fine oil slick covered the water.

I fished out the soggy eggroll and threw it in the trashcan next to the toilet as Cookie walked over to it and appropriately mourned the loss of her eggroll. I had to tell her it was garbage now because she had thrown it into the tub. She was sad, but in some way satisfied that it did not die a horrible death drowing in the tub.

And, yes, she bathed that night in eggroll-tainted water which I tried to mask with more bubble bath. Far be it from me to waste a tub full of warm water.

Doing Better

2007-03-17T14:33:00.000-04:00

Ah, home alone for a few minutes while Michael is out with Cookie picking up something for what he calls "Anniversa-palooza" weekend. Too cute I tell ya.

I feel good - posted 20 NWT 0-6 month old baby outfits on my yahoo cheapcycle - all outfits I bought for Cookie and she never even got to wear. I'm only asking $5 an outfit - these are like top, pants, and sweater sets - or pants and top together. I think that's a pretty good deal considering most were at least triple that price and e-bay shipping charges would be at least $5 alone. I'm sure hoping someone just decides to take it all. I offered all 20 outfits for $75. Man, I could use the money - and I'm hoping someone in the area decides it's a good chance to stock up. If you have a yahoo cheapcycle group in your area, I strongly encourage you to join. It's like an on-line yard ale, and I've been able to be pretty efficient selling Cookie's infant items - even a whole box of bottles. Every time I get rid of something, it's a cool feeling getting the extra space as well as a few extra bucks. There is also a yahoo group called freecycle - everything offered has to be free - mostly it's junk, but I've found people often want what you plan to take to donation-ville. Last week, I gave away 2 huge bags of various cooking magazines I'd been storing up for goodness-only-knows what reason. Viola! Instant space, and someone got some great magazines for free.

I'm going to take a couple of days off work next week - prob. Thurs. and Fri. and just spend some much needed time to myself. Then Fri. afternoon, we'll go get our taxes done. Hopefully, with having a foster child all year as well as having just bought the house at the beginning of 06, we'll be in great shape. We still haven't received any adoption subsidy for Mia yet, and whenever that starts, it will be a big help. We're not suffering, but I'm trying to be careful nonetheless.

Oh, speaking of being careful...I turned down an opportunity to teach a class over the May term - I would have made about 2500, but it would have meant I'd be teaching M-Th nights for a month (6-8:30 each night). That would have me leaving home every morning at 8, and not getting home until at least 9. Missing my newly-adopted daughter for a month? Um, not worth the money. Michael said it was fine with him, and that it would be no problem for him to do the evening routine alone. That's probably what made it so easy - with him, I have nothing to prove, and I rarely get an argument. That's pretty nice.

Well, the dynamic duo are home now - ya'll have a great weekend.

Back on the Wagon

2007-03-15T10:46:00.000-04:00

Two weeks ago, I got my 20 pound star at Weight Watchers (meaning: that's how many pounds I had lost). Then, life hit hard with the adoption and celebrating, my big fat ugly sinus infection, Cookie's latest ear infection, and my post-adoption/March Madness blues. I've been eating more than usual, not "counting my points", and just not caring much about the end result. I haven't even been to a meeting in two weeks.

That all ends tonight - I'm going to the WW meeting and facing the music. Hey - I couldn't have gained all 20 pounds back in 2 weeks! Besides, I've come too far on this journey to give up. I've also continued to try to carry out the other 2 resolutions I made at the beginning of the year - I look better when I come to work, and I've been getting rid of clutter and excess "stuff" in my home.

Even tonight after the meeting, someone is coming by the house to get a box of Cookie's clothes I sold for $15. Hey - that's a partial payment for swimming classes this summer! And it gives the kid more space in her room to run around and not trip over boxes of stuff. Two days ago, I gave away an enormous comforter-sized bag of assorted kid stuff - from infant to toddler sizes. I guess I had been saving things "just in case" we got another child. But we're definately going to wait a while, and we've decided to part with her clothes and buy new ones in the event another child comes along. We can't put our names on the list for a newborn until at least June 5th when Michael is out for the summer and could take care of the baby while I work. We really would have a tough time otherwise with no daycare that could take the child until its about 2 months old anyway.

I'm looking forward to eating better again. I always feel better when I'm on track. And...the thing that perhaps set me off most (and, contrary to logic, sent me in the wrong direction) was that my mom was diagnosed with adult onset diabetes. It is particularly bad, and she's doing testing now to establish a baseline and trying to control it with diet as much as possible to limit the medication she will have to take. She also had a bad EKG, and will have to undergo further testing as well. Add to that...she just got back from testing and is now 2 years cancer free after having survived breast cancer, a lumpectomy, and massive radiation treatments.

And, she's not the image you might see of a woman with these problems. She's only 59. She's petite, only slightly overweight, doesn't drink or smoke, and leads a life with what I would consider to have moderate levels of stress - though in the past 5 years, it's been a doozy. My gradmother (her mother) died about 5 years ago, and things with mom just went from bad to worse. I think Cookie is the best thing that could have happened to her - I just wish they were closer so she could see her.

I know I need to do all I can to make sure that I at least lessen my chances of developing diabetes. Getting back on the wagon is the first step, really. The next is that I've got to lessen my sugar intake. See, I'm pretty bad about using my points on things that as high in sugar (in addition to the fruits and veggies and lean meats). I'm brilliant at staying exactly on the program and loosing weight and still eating chocolate and sherbet and a few cookies each day. That's really got to stop if I am to be as healthy for my Cookie as I can be.

I don't want to loose my mom at an early age. We've had our problems, but more than I need her, I think my dad does. I really hope she's got good doctors.

They are coming up the weekend of April 15th for Cookie's baptism. I think she'll be delighted to see them again.

Post-Adoption Depression

2007-03-14T00:05:00.000-04:00

Though I didn't give birth, I'm certain now that there exists a post-adoption depression. I'm not sure it is a parallel to post-partum depression, but it's there and I recognize it. I feel it in my inability to sleep (hence, I'm at the computer at midnight while hubby and Cookie sleep soundly). I feel it in my lethargy, my desire to eat everything in sight, my irritability, my complexion, and my scattered thoughts.

The build-up to this point has been monumental to say the least. Getting here took more work than any college degree I've earned (and I've earned 3). But in spite of it all, I'm still the same person - but with the overwhelming sense that I should somehow be...better. I wish I were more savvy, more in touch with the world, more energetic, and happier. I also wish I had the sense of contentment I thought I would feel.

Even thought I knew that having (getting, rather) a child would not complete my world and make everything sunny, I don't think I could have fully escaped the trappings of the messages that say otherwise. And the process in and of itself lures you into feeling that way - like if you run the race and are ragged and beat up that in the end you''ll emerge with this perfect family and you will smile that Crest smile and look like a family in a magazine.

I don't look anything like a magazine ad. In fact, I just returned my hair to it's quasi-original color after making it more-or-less the color of a nectarine.

I am exhausted, and yet I cannot sleep.

Cookie...God bless her...STILL does not sleep through the night at 15 months. She wakes up around 2 am with a very wet diaper and wants a drink. I could deny her the drink after the diaper change, but that won't change the fact that she still has a wet diaper that ticks her off. To top it off, the love of co-sleeping is beginning to fade. She's no longer the sweet baby that doesn't move sleeping in her nest at the head of the bed. She's a big toddler who thrashes about in her sleep and likes to kick you in the ribs or wake up and throw her entire chubby body over your head and shoulders while she whimpers in her sleep. It's going to have to change, but it seems there is always something preventing it from being a "good time" - like cutting yet another dozen teeth (it seems), or another ear infection. At the moment, we have both, which lead to her standing up in the tub during her entire bath and crying very loudly while big fat tears streamed down her cheeks and snot streamed down past her lips. Eeww.

OK, this might get to the "real" reason I'm depressed, so I'll just get it out there since I'm already up and typing away:

It's 5 days (or 6 depending on what you count - long story) away from my (our) 3rd wedding anniversary. And yes, it's March F-in Madness. And yes, I am as bitter about it as I have been for the last 3 years. Yes, I spent most of my wedding nights watching basketball. Yes, it will be the same this year. I hate March. I hate it only slightly more than opening week of baseball, which is then closely followed by the insanely long baseball playoffs to get to the World Series.

Yes, I am a sports widow. In every sense of the word.

And we never had a honeymoon, and we've never taken a vacation that did not involve saying with family or a business conference. And it pisses me off. And March makes me think about it...again.

I'll get through this month, and Cookie will get over her latest ear infection and yeast rash caused by the antibiotics...and life will go on.

And I feel guilty even writing such trivial, selfish things. I mean, Lisa's down near K-town still grieving, and many of my IF blogger buddies would give everything to have a perfect little daughter like I have - even if it meant taking the crap-ola of sports. I know I'm lucky, and blessed, and that I should be sleeping soundly. But I still wish "things" were better.

Maybe next March I'll just have to go to come visit some of ya'll instead of sittin' here waiting for the madness to end.

*sigh*

I'm not spell-checking. I'm too tired. I'm gonna go see if the Tylenol PM has worked yet. I think I have restless leg syndrome. Of course, every commercial I see makes me think in some way "hey - I think I have that". Maybe I really DO have an enlarged prostate...

:)

another test post

2007-03-12T07:00:00.000-04:00

again, I am posting this from home on Thursday, May 17th at 7:48 pm, but I will post it as a fictitious time and date to illustrate blogger's abilities

Privates

2007-03-08T11:45:00.000-05:00

Cookie has become fascinated with her “bits and pieces” while in the bathtub – frequently just “making sure it’s still there”, patting it, etc.

Well, last night when naming body parts, she poked her belly button and I said “belly button” and then she poked her “bits and pieces”…so I said…

“Va-gine-ah”

To which she happily replied…

“Pah-payh-ah”

I said, no honey, it’s not a papaya. It’s a “va-gine-ah”.

To which she laughed LOUDLY and happily proclaimed

“PAH-PAYH-AAH!!

She was pleased she had named her papaya.

Do We Dare?

2007-03-06T13:24:00.000-05:00

Warning: long post ahead filled with many often incomplete thoughts. Sorry friends...if I loose you, I understand.

I've got to get this out. I've got to get to a place where I don't think about it every day. I've got to stop bringing it up so much with Michael. I've got to have peace about it.

The "it" is this: Do we foster to adopt again? If so, when?

Michael and I have agreed on this much: If we decide we want another child, we want to get that child by fostering to adopt - not by private domestic or international adoption. We have also agreed that if we did this, that we would request an infant, and not request a specific gender. Michael said he does not have his heart set on needing to have a son. In addition, I keep having this thought about requesting to be put on the list to take another baby born cocaine addicted.

It feels crazy.

Cookie is all ours now. Why on earth would a sane person knowingly put themselves right back in the insanity of the foster care system - again - after they were finished?

Cookie's case was EASY. I cannot emphasize that enough. She came into care with every red flag imaginable - drug addicted mother who had been an addict for 8 years minimum, an incarcerated father who would be there for 9 years minimum, no family members without history with CPS themselves, prior adoptions of siblings who had been adopted from foster care after involuntary TPR, and a history of abuse so bad I cannot even put it into words. Cookie was born and placed with us at 2 days old. The goal was always adoption and not reunification. There were 2 visits with her birthmom. TPR was in the process by the time she was 6 months old. It would have gone faster had her birthmom gone AWOL from drug treatment and could not be served papers - bringing in the need for a warning lawyer and months more holdup. TPR was official October 31st. Before the end of the year, we had an adoption worker. We had a lawyer and a GAL with lightening speed, and a court date in a very short amount of time. She was adopted before she was 15 months old. This is relatively unheard of without voluntary TPR from both parents.

I know we would most likely not have this same ease again. I know we would have visits with birthparents, and even relationships with them to navigate. I know we would probably have children come and go before another child stayed. I know this is the job of foster parents.

While we hurt each time a child left our house, it was bearable. The pain of all that has vanished for me - completely. I wonder where they are and how they are doing, and I pray they are safe and happy and healthy - but I do not grieve. The grief was short-lived each time. That I know we can survive as long as we have each other and our daughter.

I worry about the effect on Cookie, and how she would deal with children coming and then leaving. She would miss them. At this age, she would not understand. I know adults who grew up having foster kids coming and going while they were growing up, and they seem better people for having had the experience. But still I worry. I don't want anything that I do intentionally to inflict hurt on my daughter. If I can prevent unnecessary pain, I will.

I worry about caring for two children, and how exhausted we are sometimes with just one. Cookie is a demanding and brilliant little girl. She plays hard, and investigates everything. She engages us in her play and needs a great deal of social interaction. From the time we get home at 5:30 on weekdays until we go to bed, she is non-stop action (or cuddling). I don't know how having two children would change that. How would we even have time to make dinner, pee, take a shower, or talk to each other. Would we risk loosing our marriage relationship in light of addressing the needs of two children?

Now, I realize in writing this that it is funny. My parents had two children. My in-laws had 3. Heck, Julie has two foster daughters under the age of 2 - and she is a single mom and doesn't even gripe about it!! The people adopting right before us in court have a total of 7 children in various stages of TPR and adoption from foster care - and they had to order and drive a 10-passenger van. This all makes my worry about two children seem silly. But I think I worry for good reason.

Michael and I had a vision of the life we wanted for ourselves, and frankly even the life we have now doesn't look anything like what we imagined (and this is very good on many levels). The life I imagined was with a fairly affluent white man with a career as a doctor, lawyer, etc., an upper class lifestyle, and two lovely biological children that would attend private school and go on to accomplish great things. I would have my career as a professor and writer and my research would be cited around the world.

Michael envisioned a life of solitude and great success. He saw himself remaining single, and writing a great deal. He saw limited interaction with friends and colleages, and being a "rock star" in his field. He did not want children, and had a difficult time comprehending why anyone would want children (and that is stating it nicely). We fought and argued over this a lot before we married, and even after we married. Michael believed that family obligations would prevent him from accomplishing all he wanted to do in his career. Which brings me to the next worry...

Tenure and promotion will be rearing its ugly head soon. How soon is yet to be determined as Michael has retained the option to use years toward tenure from his time as a professor at Ohio University. He could go up as soon as 2008, or as late as 2009 with decisions coming then as late as 2010. To a woman who is soon to be 36, that seems like an eternity for the 'ol biological clock. I really don't want to be over 40 and adopting another child. It's not that 40 is that old, or that many women don't birth children at that age, it's just something I'd try actively to avoid. It's a preference. My mother isn't even 60 yet, and is a breast cancer survivor, recently diagnosed with adult onset diabetes, a degenerative problem with her feet, and now a bad EKG. Give me a break! I really don't want to be dealing with health problems and a kid going through college angst at the same time. Yeah, I know there are no guarantees, but that doesn't mean I don't want to do everything possible to prevent that.

So, Michael really would want to wait until he has tenure and promotion somewhere before we go through this again. And I understand why. It's time consuming and tiring to the point of exhaustion. It's political and stressful and inherently personal. It's a necessary evil in what he does for a living. Yet, other people somehow manage. He has a colleague here who is having his second child in May and will be going up for tenure this fall. Obviously, people do it somehow. And they end up seemingly OK.

Money's not really an issue. We have Cookie's adoption subsidy that helps out a lot. Michael got a salary increase, and we both make a decent living. Our foster care supports here are tremendous, and we would once again have daycare paid for as well as WIC for formula, and the per diem that actually helps you pay for clothing, diapers, and toys. There is no reason we could not afford another child. And space is not an issue either. Our home is a 3 br, 2.5 bath - and Cookie's room is big enough for two small children. If we happened to get a boy, in a pinch Michael could give up his bedroom being his home office and move the computer desk into our huge bedroom. When kids got old enough to need their own rooms, we'll have enough to buy a bigger house at that point.

Obviously, our life will be full and complete and happy if it ends up being just the three of us. Still, I wonder about Cookie growing up an only child - especially given that we have absolutely no family anywhere near us. Even having a brother or sister seems better than just having the two of us all the time - and no one children to play with at home.

*sigh* I just don't know. It seems like every day I want to put our home back on the list for calls, but every day there seems to be so many worries.

I just feel like we have such a good life, and so much to give - and I see and hear about the hundreds of children coming into care every day, about half of whom will never be able to go back home or even to relatives.

I want another child.

But do I want to endure what I know full well I would have to in order to get there?

And is there enough of Michael and I to go around?

I don't feel like I have forever to decide.

My parents would think I was absolutely nuts. Knowing that makes it seem worth it right there (evil snicker).

I hope I get more clarity soon.

A Family Forever

2007-03-03T12:46:00.000-05:00

As of yesterday at about 4:30, the three of us were declared a forever family. While it felt great, and we were all smiles, there was nothing that suddenly washed over any of us. Judge Wonderful simply declared to the world what we have been all along.

Judge Wonderful asked if we truly understood our responsibilities and that this was forever - never to be undone. "Absolutely!" we replied. She asked if we were requesting to change her name, and at the very end she declared us parents of Mia Elizabeth Ourlastname. We waited for a few minutes for our lawyer to get the final paperwork, and we got our copy of the declaration and went to celebrate with friends over dinner, drinks, and a Happy Adoption Day cake. It was a very nice afternoon.

The photos aren't splendid, as Mia is cutting 2 molars and 2 other teeth as well , and was actually running a pretty high fever. She was pretty full of baby Advil, and took the day like a champ. She came alive in court, and entertained everyone by standing on my lap and trying to climb onto the Plaintiff's table. We did get to take a picture with Judge Wonderful, which we were grateful for.

We're all pretty tired today, and Mia is racked out in the bed with gums freshly coated with Ora-jel. There are snow flurries outside as I type - which seems wrong for March 3rd just about anywhere.

To add to our joy, and clench our decision about where to live, Michael's current department managed to come up with a $7500 raise to his current salary. That would make it pretty silly of us to leave, even if George Mason was offering tenure and promotion. This morning, Michael announced to me that he decided to turn down their offer and stay right here for at least another year. I'll admit, I am relieved. We still have student loans to pay off, and other assorted younger-and-less-responsible debt to pay off, so staying here with that much boost in income would put us in a much better position a year from now (assuming we remain fiscally responsible). I would have gone with him if he had decided to go, but it would have been with a heavy heart. I know it hurts him to turn down the offer - tenure and promotion being the big hurt, I think. But he'll get T&P here, too, and I'll help out wherever I can to make that happen.

Life looks pretty stable right now. Tonight we're going to shop for an entertainment center for the livingroom. Since we moved, the TV's been sitting on top of a hope chest and everything is prefectly at toddler-level. As much as I despise the look of most TV cabinets, I must admit most anything will look better than what we have right now.

The next big projects will be to clean up Michael's home office and try to make space for him to work with graduate students here in the evenings and on weekends. We'll also try to get Mia's room in better shape.

So, I'll bet you want to see pictures, right?

Getting ready to leave the house...

Before court... (Cindy would be proud of the attempt at a head-bow...which she kept on for all of 3.8 seconds.)

Adoption complete!!

The evening comes to an end...

I think this last picture shows it all pretty well. We all all simply...relieved.

Love to all of you!
Michael, Tamara, and Mia (Cookie)

Tomorrow

2007-03-01T10:06:00.000-05:00

There just aren't words to say how I feel. I've fancied myself a decent writer, but these days are different. The emotions and thoughts are indescribable. Language is insufficient.

I've been a mother for over a year and a half. I've been a foster mother to a total of 5 children. I've been Cookie's mother for 14 1/2 months.

It won't all be different tomorrow. I won't be suddenly and completely changed.

The changes have all been slow. Each of the 400 +/- days we've spent with Cookie we've grown into our roles with her. Each time the social worker visited, each time a month went by with no word from her Biomom, each time a new development brought us closer to this point, we became her parents just a little bit more.

There have been many nights that I held her as she slept and thought to myself "I can't love this little girl any more than I do RIGHT NOW." Of course, I've thought that most every night, and every night I feel more love for her, and more awareness of myself as mother.

Some parents who have adopted from foster care talk about how they discovered after adoption that there was a piece of their hearts that they had kept guarded - a bit of themselves that they had held back. I don't know if that is there for us. I sense it may be.

A lot of that disappeared this summer when Biomom left treatment and went missing, never to be found. I knew it was the beginning of the end.

I'm thinking about J. (Biomom) today and hoping she is alive. I still hope there is life for her, and that somewhere there is healing. If she is ever found, she will go to jail. But in jail, she can be free of drugs. I just wish she could know that this child she neglected and filled with drugs to the point that no normal baby could have survived - is walking, talking miracle. I wish that alone were sufficient to change anyone's life for the better.

I wish she could know that Cookie is running, climbing, eating Chinese food with great gusto, and playing with such joy. I wish she could see her climb up onto her rocking horse all by herself, put the right shaped blocks into the holes in her shape sorter, or hear her read "Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear" out loud (in only a way that mommy and daddy can understand, of course).

It's a great day today. Tomorrow will be great, too.

I wish all of you could meet this little girl who's stolen our hearts (and our wallets). :)

Dedication-Christening-Baptism

2007-02-27T11:26:00.000-05:00

We have picked a date for Cookie's baby dedication at church - April 15th. Since we are members of a Methodist congregation, she'll be baptized by spinkling her head with water. It will be very special, and my folks are going to drive all the way up from Florida for the occasion. Afterwards, we'll have cake and punch and food in the church social hall so that friends can meet my folks and congratulate Mia who will be far more interested in the cake.

So, of course you want to see the dress, right? I hope the store doesn't mind my sharing their image, but I figure it's good publicity too - and they were extremely nice over the phone. Here's what she will be wearing:

It's from littlegirldresses.com.

As for what she will wear on Friday, I've got at least 20 dresses to choose from - all sent from the grandparents, of course. The choice will likely come down to what the weather is like, and if that dress stays free of crackers and juice long enough to not need to change into yet another dress (which we will bring, just in case).

Ah, Friday...why do you have to take so long to get here? These have been the longest days of my life!

I am so happy, yet nervous for some reason. I think it's like getting married was. Choosing a child to become yours forever must be in some way different from finding out you are pregnant and then bringing that child into the world. This volition, this agency and free will...somehow feels different (I assume). This has much more meaning than I ever imagined, and it is very different than I expected it to be - much deeper, much more...soulfull and intimate.

There's a comfort with she and us that is deeply satisfying. I see her asleep in our bed between us as we watch our evening news, and think about the ease of which we go through the nightly routine. As we enact family over and over as we have these past 14 plus months, I am reminded that the more we enact, the more we become. I've wondered if on some embodied level of knowing, that Cookie knows - that she knows we made a choice, and that she knows already that she is adopted. As she giggles and tries to climb our headboard, then sinks down into the pillows and covers at night, breathes deeply and sighs contentedly and falls asleep, I feel that she knows she belongs.

That moment of peace at the end of every day has been worth all of the struggles.

Those Teeth!

2007-02-24T12:09:00.000-05:00

Lately, it's been funny trying to take a decent picture of Cookie. She's got these snarky little grins that she makes - and the teeth seem to have come in at random places - so she's got this Snaggle Tooth grin. Enjoy...

This is Cookie in the living room opening a box of clothes her Grammy sent...check out the hair on that kid!

Job Ish

2007-02-22T16:07:00.000-05:00

Oh dear.
Last night, Michael got an offer from Pretigious Near DC University.
10K more than he makes now - and they'd promote and tenure him no questions asked
They think they can work out promising opportunities for me to get a job there, too.
Thye want to see my vita.
Big obvious downside = it's right outside DC and cost of living is about 55% higher than it is here
For example - we paid less than 150K for our 3 br 2.5 ba 1830 sq ft quite decent house here
Equivalent house there would be about 500K, and maybe not as nice either
I did not type that incorrectly.
You did not read it incorrectly either.
It says HALF A MILLION.
And do I even need to mention traffic, or crime rates?

I'm scared to death, and need to put that somewhere so I can get rid of it and be supportive.
I've always loved moving, and never feared it at all.
But that was before marriage.
And before I had a child.
And before I owned a home.

Now it all seems like it has more weight, more risk, more danger lurking around unseen corners.
Now it seems real and grown-up and scary.

I've scuba dived.
I've camped out on the beach in a hammock in small villages in Mexico.
I've loved big-time.
I became a parent.
But I can't remember feeling this frightened before.

That's not a BAD thing, necessarily - the fear, that is.
It just means I'm processing a lot of things.

I feel no need to leave Lexington, but I feel a great need to support my husband's career.
I feel the need to do that no matter the sacrifice for me personally.

I wish the offer would have been enough so that it was a "no brainer" to say "yes" to it without hesitation.

There is no way to put a price on tenure.

I am a great big wreck today.
But more importantly, I am without words to tell you how proud I am of Michael.
He may turn down the offer, but they wanted him - and he was their top candidate.
He is amazing.

YOUR (AND OUR) PRAYERS ANSWERED...

2007-02-20T15:23:00.000-05:00

We got it! We got the March 2nd court date! So, at 3:45 on March 2nd, Cookie will become Mia Elizabeth.

Of all the blessings I've ever received, this has got to be close to the top.

Thank you for consistently praying for us, and for Cookie.

We are overjoyed.

WW Update

2007-02-16T16:02:00.000-05:00

-16 pounds as of last night
I have this fantasy that I've lost 8 pounds from each boob.
That is not the case.
Still, I am in smaller jeans...
and my kid loves veggies.
Of course, she also eats crayons...
but that is another story altogether.

URGENT - Prayers Needed for Dream Mommy

2007-02-14T12:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you that Lisa (Dream Mommy over at You Could Always Adopt) and her husband had to say goodbye to their 4 month old foster daughter yesterday as she went on to Heaven. It was sudden and unexpected, and I cannot imagine their grief.

Princess will be missed and loved always. I am so grateful that this beautiful baby girl got to have a home and a family - and didn't have to spend her last days on earth in the hospital.

I rejoice in the knowledge that there are people like Lisa and her husband who are willing to risk their hearts and accept the children that God send their way - regardless of their medical fragility or special needs. I've watched as they've learned to tube-feed babies, make more trips to the hospital than I've made in my entire life, and love their kids through multiple surgeries.

I don't know what to say, and I've never fancied myself good to dealing with death. I do know that Princess was loved and cherished. I also know she will forever be their daughter - no matter what the paperwork might say.

I'm sorry, Lisa. I'm so sorry.

Tomorrow - 2:00

2007-02-13T11:32:00.000-05:00

That's when the Guardian ad Litem is coming out to our house to do her visit and write her report to the court. From what I hear, that was a pretty fast reponse! On the phone, she seemed very nice and professional. I am looking forward to her visit - and that means I shall be cleaning house tonight until I crash!

Thanks for the prayers through the last steps of this process. I am still holding out hope for a March 2nd court date. If all goes as planned, there is still a chance.

A Morning Without Daddy

2007-02-09T09:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I was only half an hour late for work this morning - not bad for not getting up any earlier than normal and getting myself and my child ready for the day. I might have been on time had it not been for poop that happened right before we were going to head out the door. Mercy. I'd rather have had them take care of that one at daycare - especially since it was so...colorful.

Cookie was great for me last night - crashed out on the sofa at 7:30, and went to sleep without a bath and slept until 5:30 this morning when she was thirsty and VERY wet. Then she slept until I got out of the tub this morning (too chicken to shower - was afraid she would wake up and be scared to find herself alone) and got dressed and woke her up getting her diaper changed and socks on.

She then sat straight up in the bed, looked over at Michael's empty side of the bed, and sadly cooed, "Daa-doo, da-doo!!" "Daaaaa-DOOOO!!" She then looked at me again waiting for a good explanation. "Da-doo's at work sweetie, he'll be back soon." (I figured "Washington, D.C." wouldn't sound right, and technically this is work, right?)

["Da-doo" is her latest name for Michael. She can't seem to pronounce Daddy, so it shifted from Da-Da to Da-doo recently, and it sounds mighty funny, and mighty sweet.]

I have a headache. I tried so hard last night to get everything set and perfect for this morning so we would not have a chaotic morning, and I think I tried too hard to do a ton of laundry and put everything away and get things laid out that I forgot to relax. Dang. I really appreciate all Michael does as a dad, and how much of the burden of he lifts from me. He's truly amazing. Cookie and I feel it when he's not here.

Unrelated Nervous Excitement

2007-02-07T15:54:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, Michael is flying out to interview for a faculty position at Prestigious Near-DC University. I won't reveal his personal information, but just wanted to request from my blogger-buddies that if you happen upon this post, please say a little prayer for his trip Thurs-Sat. I pray his interview goes well, that he is able to relax and enjoy the process, and that this trip leads to new opportunities one way or another. Finally, please pray I make it through the 2 days as a single mom with a toddler getting her first molars. Love to all...T.

I Want To Be Adopted!

2007-02-06T09:58:00.000-05:00

Cookie helping sign contracts this morning:

Where do I sign again??

Yup, this all looks good to me!

How do you spell Mia Elizabeth???

Hurray!! The contracts are all signed!!! I'm gonna be adopted soon!!

Tomorrow...

2007-02-05T09:48:00.000-05:00

...we get to sign our contract with the state. This contract is back-dated to Feb. 1st and declares us the adoptive parents with the state. The contract also includes information about our reimbursement rate for daycare (only 80% because we make too much money - HA!), our keeping Cookie's medical card, and Cookie's adoption subsidy.

That will be another great moment. THIS time I will be sure to take pictures of Cookie as she will undoubtedly be trying to sign something.

After that, we will be waiting for the Guardian ad Litem to call us to schedule a time to come out to our house. The GAL is appointed to represent Cookie, and that person will write up a report and submit it to the court that says Cookie should be adopted by us - sound mind, good moral character, blah blah blah...

THEN we can hopefully get our court date. There is a bit of bad news associated with that. IF we do not get March 2nd, we will have to wait until May 4th because our adoption attorney is out of town the first week in April, and our judge only does adoptions on the first Friday of the month. If we don't get March 2nd, it will be a long wait for us. It will be okay, but it will be hard on us. We feel it is so close to the end, but little things can really hold up the process. We've done everything as fast as we could, but you can't always count on the judge's schedule (or the judge's secretary).

So, if you're someone who likes to pray for specifics - please pray the GAL calls us ASAP, and that we get on for March 2nd. We would so like for all of this to be behind us.

WIll You Cry Too?

2007-02-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

This morning, at 9:30 am, Michael and Cookie and I went to meet our attorney to review and sign the Petition for Adoption. It was one of those otherwise forgetable mornings...

It was cold and the snow was lightly falling.

All we did was sign our names to a document that our attorney will file with the court that will set everything into action. A guardian ad litem will be appointed and another report filed, and eventually a court date will be set. That's it. It seems so easy and simple now - almost elegant.

And in the Petition for Adoption, I read these words:

"Mia Elizabeth Ourlastname will henceforth be the legal child of Tamara Ourlastname and Michael Ourlastname as if she was born of their bodies."

I did not cry right then, but I did later...when I called my mom to tell her about the one of the most beautiful statements I have ever read...and she cried too.

Cookie sat at the huge wooden table with the glass top with a pen in her chubby little hand making "scribbling" motions on the tabletop as if she too were signing documents. I'm glad she was there with us. It was a very special family moment - even if it only took 15 minutes.

Yay Me

2007-01-26T12:59:00.000-05:00

At Weight Watchers last night, I got my 10 pound star. In 3 weeks, there is now 10.6 pounds less of me. That feels flippin' awesome. AND that also means I met my New Year's resolution to get below 250. I am now below 250. Whew! My reward will be a mani-pedi. It's been too long.

The Process - And Some Explanations

2007-01-24T13:10:00.000-05:00

A wonderful reader asked some terrific questions - and I wanted to answer them here:

S/he wrote:
We will foster to adopt. We did not realize we may go thru 3 maybe 4 or more placements till we have a couple kids to adopt. 2 years ago we left the process-because we were afraid to loose the kids back to the family. If we chose the list for just kids "ready to be adopted"--the social worker said they are few and far between and we may wait a very long time.

My response:
We were "foster to adopt" also, and knew from the start that every placement would be a risk. We had met people who had many, many children come and go from their homes before one stayed. But on the other hand, everyone we met who had done foster care for some time and wanted to adopt eventually got their chance to become a forever family. It was not uncommon for people to foster children for two years or more. On the other hand, I met people whose first placements were eventually freed for adoption, so it seemed like we truly had to trust God and our social workers.

We chose not to wait for a child "ready to be adopted". There are people in our county who have been waiting for 4 years or more because they are not willing to risk children leaving.

We were very afraid. And we mourned every time a child left our home. Four children came and went. The first newborn baby stayed 23 hours, a 2 month old and her 4 year old brother stayed 10 days, and another newborn stayed 4 days. We were blessed with quick decisions by the state to send children to relative placements. It did not hurt any less. We loved every child as if they would become ours. In the end, we are better for having done that, and those children were loved passionately.

As I Believer, I must remember how many times in the Bible, it says "fear not". It doesn't mean I don't - but it does mean I don't have to.

We asked our workers to screen placements with us very carefully. They knew we wanted to adopt. Every placement we took had "signs" of eventual TPR - incarceration, drug use, or history with the cabinet. Still, it is no guarantee. Workers did their best to see that we got children with a likelyhood of staying. They did the best they could do with their "guessing" and looking for all the "red flags".

S/he wrote:
She told us there is no subsidy for fostering/and or adopting from the system unless they are special needs!

My response:
All foster parents receive a subsidy to provide for the child, regardless of the child's status. Some states are very, very low - GA, AL, and MS for example, and some are higher due to recent changes by the state legislatures (KY for example). Our per diem for Cookie is $19.70 per day. It goes up a few dollars for teenagers. This is the basic rate - it is also higher for families who are specially trained to take medically fragile children.

"Special needs" definitions do vary widely, as does the interpretation. In our state, children over age 3 are automatically defined as "special needs", and all minority children are also defined that way. Our child is defined as special needs because of drug exposure. However, we received the very same stipend for ALL the children we cared for - even a little perfectly healthy white newborn. You will too. If you tell me what county you are in, I am fairly skilled at finding out information (my career is research education!).

Our subsidy for Cookie will continue until she is 18, or finishes college. On February 1st, it will become an "adoption subsidy" instead of a foster care per diem - and instead of a daily rate, we will receive a flat $600 per month to meet some of her needs. Our workers try to get this for everyone who adopts. Even though Cookie is perfectly healthy and even advanced, we will get the adoption subsidy because of how she came into foster care. I do not know anyone who adopted from foster care in my state who does not get a subsidy. It is very uncommon for a child in foster care to not have some issue that can be used to label them as "special needs".

S/he wrote:
They said they will pay for the adoption with their lawyer for us.

My response:
This is very common, although the attorney has to be hired by you, otherwise it is a conflict of interest. The attorneys often will direct-bill the state and work hard to keep their fees within the limits of what the state will pay. These people are angels! Our state will pay up to $1000 of the attorney fees. Our attorney only charges $75 an hour above this, and there are costs for things we may end up paying for once we go over the $1000 limit. We have taken the advice of another adoptive mom and are getting her a new social security number with her new name so there can be no back-tracking. There are some costs associated with that, that others might not have.

S/he wrote:
The special needs category for Pa. is: age 5 and older, a sibling group, or serious medical or physical disabilities. We are asking for 2 children age 0-3 preferably healthy, so basically we are led to believe we'll be receiving ZERO! I read one of your notes on your subsidy and we don't hear anything close! Was it like this for you also initially???

My response:
I've looked up information on PA out of curiosity, and it looks like your subsidy should be even higher than ours. My advice is find another foster parent with experience in your county. You WILL get a subsidy no matter what. We couldn't do this without it! BTW - we did not find out the amount of the per diem until the very last day of our training sessions to become foster parents (and no one dared to ask - no one wanted it to even look like they were in it to make money). We were shocked to learn it was so high - especially knowing there are many states that only provide about $10 a day or less.

We also get WIC (Women, Infants, and Children - sucky name that is due for a change) and that is a God-send that will provide formula until age 1. Now we get milk, eggs, cheese, juice, and peanut butter for Cookie. It doesn't amount to near as much as the cost of formula, but it is so worth the effort to sign up for it.

Our daycare expenses are also paid for (the daycare direct bills the state) because we are both employed full-time. In cases where one parent is not employed, daycare expenses are not provided. We have been blessed to have Cookie enrolled in KinderCare - in an accredited facility with a curriculum, and a center director who is also a foster parent (in addition to at least 2 of Cookie's teachers who are also foster parents as well and many kids in her classes who are foster children).

Lastly, they will give you a medical card to get health care for your foster children. After the adoption, we can keep her medical card so until she is out of college we will never have to pay for any health care short of elective (like orthodontics or a dermatologist to treat teenage acne).

S/he wrote:
We had to show our financial statements (for our license)to prove we have gainful employment and can pay our bills---but we thought the foster care system subsidy was not based on the family income. ??? Are they just trying to be "tight" with us?

My response:
The subsidy are not income-based. If they were, many of us in the "middle class" would be out of luck! My husband and I both make a good living, and we still get the same subsidy everyone else gets.

We did have to provide financial statements for both steps - even to adopt we had to fill out the same forms. They told us in the foster parenting classes that they want to know you can provide for this child even without the subsidy. They certainly don't want a child coming from a home where the power and water were off regularly to a foster home with the same poor conditions. They want proof you can pay your bills and that your home isn't about to be taken away from you, and that you aren't a paycheck away from being evicted.

And we have debt like most other Americans - consumer debt, student loans, and car payments. But we proved to them that we can pay our bills and take care of a foster child until the subsidy check arrives. (This is actually very important in our state as checks seem to arrive late all the time for some unknown reason.) We put Cookie's subsidy into a separate account, and keep track of expenditures like clothing because the social workers will ask to see receipts. We are required to spend at least $25 per month on average for new clothes for her (not a problem, you can imagine). We try to save enough to spoil her rotten with expensive and wonderful clothes, shoes (like Pedipeds - how awesome are these shoes??), and excursions like going to FL for Christmas. These kids really deserve no less than the best anyway.

For adoption, our finances were even more important because our daycare expenses will now have to be paid up-front by us and reimbursed by the state. So even though we eventually get everything back, that money has to be free to go on a journey each month.

As a final note - dear readers - Please know we realize that our adoption has been atypical in how fast it has happened. We also never let a day go by where we do not thank God for the Commonwealth of Kentucky for its forward-thinking legislature who provides resources and supports for foster parents. Likewise, we are blessed with a Foster Parent Association as well as Adoption Support of Kentucky right here in our city. In fact, many training classes are held less than a mile from where we live - and childcare is usually provided during training classes to keep our license current. We know that many of you living in other states have to struggle to get resources for your foster children, and we are deeply sympathetic. It is a crime to put these children into foster care and not provide the necessary resources to the foster parents to give them an adequate level of care.

There is a chance we will do this all over again once the adoption is final - and if Cookie ever decides to sleep through the night (another story altogether). If we do, it will only be because we have the kind of social workers in Lexington and the resources in Kentucky that make it all somehow bearable and worthwhile.

February 1st Can't Come Soon Enough

2007-01-23T16:01:00.000-05:00

That's the day we get to meet our attorney face-to-face to sign the petition to adopt. Once that is filed with the courts, we get to wait to see when our court date will be. Hopefully, we will get March 2nd and not get bumped to April 6th. Either way, things are rolling quickly.

To all those adopting: get referrals from others who have gone before you - it pays to hire someone "in the know". Social workers said they could not tell us who to use, but did tell us who to ask to get names, and once we hit on the right one - then they said "that person works with us all the time, and is very fast" - clearly, we had struck a chord.

I had heard that once we had an adoption worker, that the pace of things would really pick up. I continue to be amazed at how quickly everyone is working on our behalf, and how very little we have to do now in terms of the documentation.

In my next post, I want to answer some questions a wonderful reader from PA left. They are important to answer, and I think my answers will tell you why I feel so blessed that God sent us to Lexington, KY - for more than just jobs. Clearly, our daughter would be here - and resources and blessings unimaginable from the most unexpected of places - the state.

Christmas 2006

2007-01-19T13:07:00.000-05:00

There are so many pictures - all taken by my dad while we were in FL for Christmas. I'd love to share them all, but there are over 400 of them. He's quite the photographer, and I may never take her anywhere else again to have her picture taken, and instead fly us down to FL so Grandpa can capture the Cookie on film. Hope you enjoy!

The Coolest Question To-Date...

2007-01-18T09:38:00.000-05:00

...came late yesterday in an e-mail from our adoption worker who had just received the fee letter she needed from our attorney in order to finish putting together our contract. She asked:

What would you like Cookie's full legal name to be upon adoption?

You could have knocked me over with a feather I felt so faint upon reading that. It was so official, so legal, so...beautiful.

I immediately sent my reply:

It will be Mia Elizabeth Ourlastname.

(She will be named Mia because Michael's initials are M.I.A., thus, she will be named after her dad.)

I admired that line in the e-mail for a spell before sending it on its way.

I swallowed hard, and felt my eyes grow wet. I blinked them away and went back to answering other e-mail.

Sometimes, the joy is in the little things along the journey. I pray that when she is 13 and acting like a brat, that I remember moments like this when my greatest and most important goal in life was to ensure that she be my daughter forever.

We Got the Presentation Summary

2007-01-16T13:04:00.000-05:00

This morning, we had a lovely visit with both our R & C worker and our adoption worker. The adoption worker gave us our copy of the presentation summary. It contains lots of family history, Cookie's birth certificate, original social security card, and a copy of her Biodad's mugshot. That will not be going in the lifebook, though it will be tucked away deep in the files for one day when she is adult enough to handle it (and if she ever asks if we have a picture). I did not read the presentation summary. I'm just not in the frame of mind to go through Biodad's arrest records, or find out what all happened to Cookie's two brothers. It is what it is, and I'm at peace.

Now, our attorney needs to send a letter indicating her charges, and the adoption worker can finish putting together our contract. She will then come by in about a week so we can sign it. Our contract will then begin on February 1st as adoptive parents.

At that point, Cookie's monthly subsidy will come from another source, and her daycare will be paid first by us and then reimbursed by the state.

The attorney has to appoint a guardian ad litem who will come out to the house and put together a report to submit to the court.

There is very little that we will need to do except get some things from the presentation summary to the attorney - along with copies of our marriage liscense and a few other documents.

Our judge for the case only does adoptions one day a month - the first Friday of every month, so February is out. So, we are hoping for the first Friday in March (March 2nd). At worst, the adoption will be final on the first Friday in April (April 6th).

Most days I still cannot believe we have a daughter.

At the end of this semester (sometime in May) we will reassess whether we are ready to put our names back on the list for placements for foster-to-adopt. It will necessitate Cookie sleeping through the night for the most part, and Michael getting a lot of writing done this semester in anticipation of tenure. Finding the time and energy to write with a toddler running around everywhere has been nigh unto impossible.

So far, so good folks. We continue to be blessed by your prayers and God's remarkably fast answers to them!

Presentation Summary Completed!

2007-01-05T15:28:00.000-05:00

I just heard from our adoption worker, and the Presentation Summary is now finished! She is just waiting on copies of things right now, so she will be coming out to our house on the morning of the 16th to give us everything. We had already scheduled our quarterly visit with our R&C worker for foster care for that morning, so instead of taking yet another block of time off work, we're all going to meet at our house for one big visit.

The Presentation Summary will include every bit of information and paperwork the state had on Cookie and her entire family, her hospital records, birth certificate, social security information, and things I'm sure I have no clue about.

At this point, we've had to learn a lot about trust and faith. We've had to put our trust in Kendra (the adoption worker) that she knew what she was doing, and would do everything correctly and efficiently. We've had to put our trust in unknown and unseen people gathering the paperwork for the Presentation Summary. We've had to have faith that everything would happen when it was supposed to. We'vd had to give up any worry about the process.

I still attempt to worry, but when it's all outside of your realm of control, it's a lot easier to sleep at night knowing you took care of everything you needed to do, and that God and his crew are handling the rest.

Thank you, Lord, for this excellent news. Thank you, Leann, for completing our Presentation Summary so quickly. You do God's work, and I know you know that.

The Latest "Story"

2007-01-05T14:23:00.000-05:00

As his schedule affords more flexibility than mine, Michael is often "out and about" with Cookie in tow. Together they are a beautiful picture - a contrast in size, and shape, and color. He's 6'1", a soft, cuddly, shaved-headed dark man with skin the color of a good cup of dark roast coffee. Cookie is 23 pounds of porcelin cherub doll with fluffy strawberry blonde hair and a turned up tiny nose. Together, you can tell they are very much in love as father and daughter. But to the unaware, their father-daughter relationship might be, well...confusing.

Earlier this week, Michael returned with Cookie to the pediatrician for some Ominicef to treat the ear infection that will not go away (while I was at work). While waiting for her Rx in the pharmacy, Michael and Cookie encountered a woman and her young son, and Cookie and the little boy took to playing together while Michael and the nice woman chatted. After a spell, the woman began to look confused, and got quiet and turned to Michael and asked with a wrinkled up brow, "Is she yours?" Michael, always the polite one of the two of us, answered that yes, she is his and that he and his wife were adopting her from foster care. "Aaaaaah", the woman replied, looking as it things suddenly fit. But then, according to Michael, the woman looked somehow extremely puzzled yet again, and silence fell between them. She then turned to Michael again, and with a deliberate strong whisper, asked, "Is your wife...is she...is she...black?"

(This is the point in his recounting the story to me that I almost peed my pants.)

"No", he replied, "She's white."

The woman seemed astonished at the new image of family that whirled around in her brain. Rocks the mental images, doesn't it?

I like the differences that the three of us offer. I like the image of a black man caring for his baby daughter - we need more of these - from men of every color. I like that we are all separate and distinct as individuals, yet very united as a family. There have been challenges, and there have been looks, but so far people seem to have enjoyed having their expectations shifted, and their realities altered. It's good for the soul, don'tcha think?

Resolutions

2007-01-02T13:04:00.000-05:00

OK, here goes...

This year, I am going to:

Remove more clutter from my home than I bring in to it
I have already begun working on this. I sold my baker's rack on cheapcycle for $15. When I got it last year, I thought it would be cool, but it ended up being a dumping groud for various ish. There is now a nice clean space where it used to be, and my eating area looks much nicer.

I gave away 2 grocery bags full of Cookie's old infant toys and a play mat. While it was tough to get rid of some things, it felt good to know someone else who truly needed them would put them to good use.

I also sold a toddler tub seat for $3 that Cookie hated being in. Ever try restraining an active 1-yr. old in the bathtub? It isn't a lot of fun, trust me.

Tonight someone is coming to pick up her old walker and baby tub.

So, I am $18 richer and my house is already less cluttered.

Extend more effort into getting ready for work (i.e. dress nicer, apply makeup before leaving for work)
Today I wore a new bright blue sweater and dress slacks and actually put on makeup. I put a freah coat of red glazing on my hair over the weekend, so it has a nice punch of color as well. I already feel better.

Join Weight Watchers (for what could be the 39th time)...I am not setting a weight loss goal. Rather, the mere act of going will be an accomplishment. As a small goal, I would like to move the "big clunker" (as mom and I used to call it) on the scale so that I weigh under 250. If you haven't stroked out and stopped reading already, know it's a big deal for me to reveal how much I weigh. While I don't want this to become a weight-loss blog, it's all related to the life changes in many ways. I've become lazy in the exhaustion of fulfilling the various obligations of life, and this has got to change. When I graduated high school, I weighed about 140 pounds. By the time I got my AA degree, I was probably 160. The first time I got married (age 22), I weighed 180 or so. By the time I got married again, I was probably 220 or 230. The last time I got weighed at the doctor, I weighed 260-something (it fluctuates like crazy with my PCOS). I used to be a very pretty girl. I used to actually feel pretty - even sexy. Now, I just feel frumpy. So, if I could get below 250, it would be a huge start. I now have my daughter to think about - and I'd really hate for kids to make fun of her because of her fat mommy. I will be joining on Thursday night, and I may even begin a sister-blog about weight-loss if I can find the time.

I will get Cookie to sleep in her own bed.
Co-sleeping has been a wonderful, joyful, intimate experience, but now Cookie is almost 2.5 feet long and 23 pounds and is taking up a lot of bed, and moving around a whole lot more in the night. Now that I am loosing sleep, it is time to begin making more of an effort to transition her to her own bed, and eventually a toddler bed.

I think that's plenty to work on without stressing myself out even more than I already am. If those things get accomplished, I will have done a few good things in 2007 that will make my life better and perhaps even the lives of those around me as well.

We Have An Attorney!

2006-12-19T14:07:00.000-05:00

The attorney we were hoping would be willing to handle our adoption has agreed to do it - and direct bill the state for the $1000 we are allowed, and then we will have to pay $125 an hour after that (which is a very reasonable rate, all things considered). This attorney adopted her son from foster care in July, and is hoping to get another child again soon. Clearly, she understands "why anyone would do this", which seems so often to be a mystery to those on the outside looking in.

The attorney told us that we are likely to end up paying about $500 out of pocket, and that there are hourly expenses that are unpredictable. The example she gave was of a recent adoption she handled during which she spent 2 hours in the courthouse just waiting for the judge to show up (to the tune of an extra $250 for her clients). That may seem unreasonable, but consider the other option of the flat-fee attorney who drags their feet with the case. We could find cheaper, but we will never find someone who understands more about wanting an adoption to be finalized as quickly as possible.

Tomorrow is Cookie's 1 year birthday. We have nothing to do now except celebrate it. There are no papers to fill out, no attorneys to talk with, no deadlines approaching, no visits with birth parents to contend with. It is all very easy now. We understand that our case is atypical. It happens, but it is far from the norm. Had Cookie's birthmom not gone AWOL, we would have had the adoption finalized by now, since TPR was petitioned for back in June right before she ran. That started the lengthy process of appointing a warning lawyer. I'm reminded how much each child's case costs the taxpayers in each state, and how countless hours are spent running in circles. Last week there was a session in Frankfort to discuss improving the foster to adopt system in this state. Ironically, we seem be be light years beyond other states when it comes to expediting the process. For this we are eternally grateful.

I think I am now a bit of an advocate. I talk to people about foster care. I don't sugar-coat it, but I don't gripe either. It is what it is - the best case scenario we currently have. We need more people who are willing to take the risks. Our attorney had 2 other babies she told me about - both stayed for just a few months before being turned over to family members. She spoke of it in a very matter-of-fact way, in much the same way I talk about Baby Ray, Baby Alex, Howard, and Autumn - babies and children who were meant to be in our arms for only a short time. Each one changed us a little, and each one made us a bit more patient and loving and grateful for the one who would stay to become our forever daughter. We would do it all again. We would do it for the rest of our lives if it meant we could have our daughter. I have a much greater embodied understanding of the depth of love and sacrifice people feel for their children. It is such that I have no words that do it justice.

Tonight I will be wrapping presents for my child for the very first time. As exhausted as I am, I shall try to savor the moment and remember how blessed I am to have both presents to wrap and a lovely little sprite to wrap them for.

Adoption Progress

2006-12-18T09:55:00.000-05:00

Amidst the illnesses, I've neglected to update on how the adoption process is coming along. Here's the latest scoop:

On Thursday, I got a phone call from L. who is the Social Worker assigned to put together the Presentation Summary on Cookie's case. She had a number of questions she needed to answer and write up for the files, so we chatted for about half an hour. Here are some things I had to answer:

What does Cookie look like?
What is she like socially?
How does she interact with adults? With other children? Your pets?
What does she like? Dislike?
How is she at daycare? Church?
What is her health like?
Other than you and your husband, who is she close to?
Tell me about her relationships with your extended family.

So, the questions were all fairly easy to answer, and I enjoyed the conversation. L. then told me she would have the Presentation Summary done and ready for review by our worker within 24 hours! Holy Cow!

The next day (Friday) we had a meeting with K., our adoption worker. She's a lovely woman who is definately working hard to speed things along. I gave her the paperwork we had completed which included the following:

Copies of last year's 1040 tax forms
A completed financial profile identical to the one we had to fill out to become foster parents (including all sources of income, depts, and all monthly bill estimates)
Paperwork about Cookie similar to the questions asked by L. in the phone conversation above

K. looked at the progress we had made on Cookie's lifebook, which is more or less nw big books of photographs put together by my mom and mailed to us (Fabulous!). Poor Cookie was so sick and coughing, so K. did not stay long at all.

K. told us to go ahead and hire a lawyer! AND she is going to come over to our house the first week in January and give us the Presentation Summary and get started preparing our contract. Now THAT is progress, my friends.

So, this morning, as exhausted as I am, I called a lawyer who had been recommended to us by several people who have adopted from foster care here in town. She direct-bills the state, so we wouldn't pay anything out of pocket (we've saved up a little just in case). I am hoping she has time to take our case because it is clear she is one of the best and fastest, and she loves doing adoptions from foster care.

Oh, and God's perfect timing? Cookie's old social worker, who visited for the last time last month is TRANSFERRING to Frankfort, KY at the END OF THE WEEK. Had she quit any earlier, we would have had to get a whole new worker and Cookie's case may have been held up for months. Whew. We will miss Ruth tremendously. That is one terrific woman - we will invite her to the adoption if she can make it that day.

We are on the homestretch, folks. This feels so good.

We leave for FL soon to spend Christmas with my folks. This is as it should be.

Cookie's recovering nicely, too. We have kicked RSV's butt.

If anyone has any questions on the adoption process, please don't hesitate to leave a comment and ask - I'll try to answer here in the blog so others who might be interested can better understand the process.

Another @#$%^&* Ear Infection!!!

2006-12-14T16:48:00.000-05:00

Cookie and ear infections seem to like to co-habitate. And they may be the death of me. Michael just called from the pediatrician (yes, I stayed at work and HE took her - wonderful dad that he is) and she not only has another ear infection in the OTHER ear from last time, she also has...

Bronchiolitis.

I did not know about it. She's coughed so hard these past 2 nights she has barfed all over us. Add to it that she ate the innards of an egg roll last night before barfing all over me in bed, and you have a really interesting barf session. THEN she was so exhausted after barfing all over my chest that she laid her head down on my chest...IN THE BARF. Lovely.

All in all, she's been a real trooper. Had it not been for the wheezing and the barfing 2 nights in a row, we might not have taken her to the doctor's. She's a lovely little girl with a fantastic disposition, so when she began whining almost constantly in the evenings, I sensed all was not well with my Cookie.

It's winter, she's in day care, she never got to be breast-fed, AND her birth mom was a heavy smoker (and we have 2 cats). That's a sure-fire way to get Bronchiolitis.

So, Cookie now has another antibiotic to take (which will likely cause a yeast rash yet again - oh joy), along with breathing treatments. Michael said she was NOT happy in the doctor's office about wearing the tiny mask for the treatment there. I guess I will soon be learning how to administer the treatments when I get home in about an hour. I'll have to write about how that goes.

Well, folks, if you're the praying kind, please remember the Cookie, who is having a tough time breathing and sleeping because of the coughing. Poor little angel.

At least tomorrow is Friday - God Bless Fridays!

Wonderful Things A Husband Can Do

2006-12-12T14:34:00.000-05:00

Tonight, my husband is going to proctor my final exam for the class I taught this semester. The students have really ticked me off, and I'm exhausted. When he offered to do this several nights ago, I thought he was joking. But, it's no joke. At 5:00 I get to leave work, go pick up the Cookie, and head home. I'm going to try to do some picking up around the house and put together some food for us, and just enjoy being with my girl. That Michael is doing this for me means so much. This makes up for quite a few scre-ups in my book!

Yesterday, he came up to my office with a small gift - a set of ear-bud headphones for me to use while I sit and work at the computer here in the office. Technically, we aren't supposed to listen to CDs on our computer, but most of us do it anyway. My boss to too technoligically illiterate to know anyhow.

In more interesting news about the Imminent Decline of the Universe, my husband's department has a rash of plagiarism - 9 cases in one class alone. This is another reason why HIM seeing them tonight is better than me. I might cuss. He would come up with something meaningful and above their heads. I would just cuss them out. So, it is better he go in my place anyway. Little rodents.

Tonight's gift from him to me is a VERY nice early Christmas present. I think I shall take a bubble bath with Cookie and then we shall put lotion on our legs, put on our jammies, and listen to Christmas music. It's going to be a great night.

Mitten Mission Accomplished

2006-12-07T15:31:00.000-05:00

Thanks to E*bay, Cookie will soon be the proud owner of Children's Place Thermolite Mittens - new with tags - for a grand total of $3.24 shipped to my door. Lovely, isn't it? They weren't exactly what I was looking for, but close enough for me.

This morning, I put her in some Gymboree mittens I had picked up at a yardsale (brand new - with tags - I am a pimp), and put them on her tiny hands. My Cookie flapped her arms like a bird and looked at her gloved hands in utter disbelief. I think she said "Mom, please...I look ridiculous." It was snowing, so I did not give the Cookie a choice in the matter. She did, however, still look scrumptious.

Now, if I could only get her to keep her shoes on...

Mittens

2006-12-05T16:39:00.000-05:00

I'm on a mitten-mission. I realized this weekend while toting Cookie off to church in 30-so degree weather that she has no mittens. Coats and hats - yes - but no mittens. Couple that with my obsessive-compulsive streak, and you've got yourself a woman on a mission. To send it over the edge, add my mom's comments:

"Well, they need to be the kind she can't pull off with her teeth...AND they need to have that special coating like plastic on them so when she chews on them her hands don't get wet."

Geez.

I googled. I checked ebay for way too long. I got a headache.

I HATE stores this time of year. I will pay outlandish shipping for the opportunity to have something delivered to my door. So...

I found the following:

Land's End has Toddler Squall Mittens for $15.50
Columbia makes a Waterproof Toddler Mitten and it sells for $15, though I have no idea where to go to get them.
LL Bean has Cold Buster Waterproof Mittens for $12.50 - but only in hideous colors.

I may soon resort to one of the above options, because I am far too tired to drag my happy A much of any place besides work. The Cookie is apparently getting some more teeth - or just being a diva - but she is not sleeping, so the Quest For The Mittens must be a simplified version.

If you have any tips for buying mittens for a soon-to-be 1 yr. old, please give me a holler.

Another Toy I Will Not Buy Cookie...

2006-12-01T14:14:00.001-05:00

http://www.random-good-stuff.com/random_good_stuff/2006/11/wtf_barbie_doll.html

Enjoy friends! TGIF

Realizations in the OB/GYN Office

2006-11-28T15:54:00.000-05:00

I had my annual tootie-cat exam last week. It was uneventful except...

At the intake meeting with the nurse when they ask you tons of questions about any changes, etc...

I got to tell them I have a daughter now.

(Nurse gives a confused look and I grin and say we're adopting.)

And I realize that I don't have to ask about infertility treatments. I have periods fairly regularly now with the Glucophage. But now that I have a toddler, sex isn't the priority it once was. If I was fertile, something more than sleeping would have to happen in order to find out.

The interesting thing is that I realized sitting there that I do not care.

While I was sitting in the waiting room, a happy couple exited and in the young woman's hand she held her ultrasound picture - her partner lovingly held his arm around her shoulder as he gazed at it. Their excitement and her "bump" were a beautiful picture.

I remember being there, in a way.

I remember shopping for a crib, a high chair, a stroller, and baby clothes. I remember wondering when my "due date" was. I remember wondering if it would be a boy or a girl, and if it would be healthy, or brown, or peachy beige. I remember praying for the baby's development.

I remember rushing to the hospital for the baby's "delivery" so to speak. I remember calling everyone with the "birth announcement".

I never missed a thing.

What about breastfeeding, you might ask. Didn't I miss out on that? Well...

The other day I was changing Cookie's diaper - and I happened to be fresh out of the tub and wearing nothing but my underwear. My breasts are...shall we say - "full and pendulous". Well, Cookie reached out and poked me right in the nipple tip - right on target on the little tip that looks like a pencil eraser. And then she pinched it between her thumb and index finger. And I yelped - "Yow! Cookie no!" Well, that just spurred her on even more to the point of obsession. Even in the tub, when we are soaping up together, she has to reach out and rub my soapy breasts (my husband says, "Well, duh. Yeaaaah.") So, anyone who worries that my child did not get enough boob-time can stop worrying now. She likes them plenty.

My Little Cat Chaser

2006-11-27T16:25:00.000-05:00

My little girl is growing up so fast. She's now been down to FL to visit her grandparents (my parents) who cried upon seeing her for the first time. I imagine it was as emotional for them as it was for me.

I can't believe she's 11 months old now - running around the house and "talking" up a storm. She's 22 1/4 pounds and into everything she can get her hands on. Callie and Macy Gray (the cats) still aren't too sure they trust her yet, but she sure loves her "key-keys".

Thanksgiving was awesome. I cooked for my little family - turkey, homemade stuffing, apple pie, pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes with pecan topping, cranberry salad, and fresh-made cranberry sauce. Cookie loved the stuffing and the turkey tetrazinni I made this weekend with leftover turkey.

In even happier news, we have accepted an invitation from my parents to join them for Christmas this year. Wonders never cease. Three years ago I'd have never believed it. When we saw them in Tampa aa couple of weeks ago, I realized it had been almost 2 years since I'd seen my parents, and that was only for my brother's wedding. Now, we will be staying a whole week in their house. Of course, it's all about Cookie. But she does tend to bring out the very best in people, and I think my parents are no exception. It was very nice to see them, and to hug my mom.

Blessings Upon Blessings

2006-11-17T11:11:00.000-05:00

"Just a Mom" aksed about subsidies, etc. and I am thrilled to tell you about what we have learned. I am amazed when I recall that we just wanted a child - period. Yet we have been blessed with so much. (And I have no earthly idea why this "paperwork" and "contract" can't be started way before now - but then again, we did just get TPR on October 31st, so I guess that was what the wait was for - *sigh*.)

Once the contract has been signed and we are officially pre-adoptive parents, we will begin receiving an "adoption subsidy" that will replace the per diem we recieved as foster parents. It will be a flat $600 per month, which is what we have been receiving for her care. We will receive this until she is 18, and if she is in college full-time after that, we can request to continue the subsidy until she graduates. Can you say "books"? I am blown away by this blessing. This means we will not have to obsess about how to pay for band instruments, voice lessons, riding lessons, soccer equipment, swimming lessons, dermatologist appointments when she is 13, orthodontic visits and braces, and the "latest" pair of jeans she just has to have. We can even save up for that senior trip in high school or the study abroad when she's in college. That money is for her, and we will make sure it is put to good use. We will probably only tell Cookie about the adoption subsidy when she is old enough to understand it (which will be quite some time). We have already started her college account for room and board, or in case the laws change and there are no more federal grants for children who were wards of the state. If she went to college tomorrow, it would be basically free - but we all know a lot can change in 17 years, and we're not taking any chances. If we save up a ton, and then don't need to use it for her college, well, it may just help pay for a wedding reception one day.

Because we both work full time, our day care will continue to be paid for on a reimbursement basis. We will pay for her monthly day care expenses, FAX our paperwork in, and have a direct deposit reimbursement back in our account in 3 days. Who could ask for more? Wait - there is more.

We will also get to keep her medical card until she is 18, which means no co-pays, deductables, or extra costs of adding her to our insurance, and no cost for prescriptions. This has already saved us hundreds of dollars. Some adoptive parents choose not to go this route, siting poor quality of health care. But since we will always be at a major research university wherever we may go, there will always be great health care right around the corner. We have been blessed with the doctors at the University of Kentucky General Pediatrics - every one of them has been patient, kind, and competent.

Our lawyer will direct-bill the state for the legal fees, and up to $1000 is covered. Anything above that will be our responsibility to pay, but the adoption worker says she's never heard of our lawyer ever going over the $1000 limit, and she loves doing adoptions. I'm set to have a phone conversation with her next week, and I'll update about how that goes.

Jeremiah 33:3, indeed. We called upon God, and He has shown us magnificent things that we could not even fathom. We are not worthy of all this. There is nothing we could have done to "earn" it, or "deserve" it. But God loves to pour out blessings on those who do His will. It's funny - just when I think I'm blessed enough, there's even more blessings that follow.

I need to write about the baby shower my Sunday School class and women of the church threw for me and Cookie, and about our trip to Florida last weekend and Cookie meeting my parents for the first time. My mom cried. I mean really cried. The moment she saw her. It was beautiful. Mom called yesterday and asked if we were coming for Christmas - this only a couple weeks after she had told me that she and dad might go to Puerto Rico (or Costa Rica - I can't remember). How things changed after they spent time with Cookie. She loved them too. Grandparents are really important. I'm going to try to get her there for Christmas. Mom hasn't put up a tree in years. I think it's time to start again.

First Meeting w/ Adoption Worker

2006-11-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

I met with our new adoption worker and Cookie's departing worker this morning, and took notes on how the process will work from here on out.

1) We are to fill out paperwork on our financial status (same ones we filled out to become foster parents).
2) We are to submit copies of last year's 1040 tax forms.
3) We are to find and secure an adoption attorney who will write and send a financial breakdown letter to us and the adoption worker - this will be used to create our contract.

4) Cookie's case files have been assigned to a worker who will be compiling the presentation summary. This is basically a huge file of everything the state has on Cookie, her family, her past, and every family member who went through a home study in an attempt to get her but did not qualify because of their past involvement with the state. We will be told everything the state knows in great detail.

5) Once the TPR is final-final AND the presentation summary is complete, our worker can prepare our contract for us to sign. We sign it, and then we become Cookie's official pre-adoptive parents (as if we aren't already). We then have to wait 30 days before finalizing the adoption (what for, I do not know).

At some point, Cookie will be re-assigned a Guardian ad Litem (or however you spell it) who will also have to come out to our home and write up a report to submit to the courts. I do not recall in what order that happens. Ugh - it just seems like a lot.

6) The adoption worker, the lawyer, and the GAL will both turn in all their respective paperwork to the court, and we will await a court date to finalize the adoption.

It looks like it will be sometime in January at best - February (or March) at worst. The adoption worker says the team that prepares the presentation summaries are swamped as there have been many TPRs recently. So, like Queenbee and her husband, we must wait for that to be finished first.

I can't believe that in this country, a criminal has a right to a speedy trial, but a child without permanency does not have a right to a speedy adoption. It is wrong.

But this face - this face is so...right:

Adoption Worker Assigned

2006-11-08T12:21:00.000-05:00

Woo hoo! I just got a call from Cookie's worker letting me know that we have now been officially assigned our adoption worker - K. will be coming over to our house on Tuesday the 14th along with Cookie's worker to make the transition. That will be the last time that Cookie's worker - R., will be meeting with us.

K. will be talking to us about the next steps in the process, our contract, and talking to us about the presentation summary and timelines.

Very soon we will have to decide on and retain our adoption lawyer. We are told there are several very nice (and smart and efficient) ones who will direct bill the state so we do not have to pay anything out-of-pocket. As we are not independently wealthy, this will be a huge blessing.

We are off to FL this weekend, and Cookie will be meeting her materal grandparents (my folks) for the first time. I think my folks are excited, and a bit nervous. They've seen one too many horror stories unfold on television about children who are taken away from adoptive parents. They really want Cookie to be "the one". There isn't anything more I can do to assure them that she is. They just want the paperwork to be "signed and sealed". I do too, but nothing that has happened in these past 10 months has made Cookie any more our daughter than she was the day she arrived at our home.

She's still doing great. Below is your humor for the day.

Dear Cookie, here are a few things you need to learn:

The toilet is not your personal splashing bowl.
You are not allowed to baptise your teddy bears in the toilet.
The kleenex are much more sanitary if you leave them in the box instead of pulling them all out.
The stairs are not begging you to climb them every time the baby gate is not secured.
I can cook a meal without you holding on to my leg.
All foods you put in your mouth do not first have to be spat out.
You do not have to taste everything I eat.
Your hollering in the car does not make us get home any faster.
It is best to pee before I take your diaper off to put you in the tub as opposed to peeing on the floor while standing next to the tub waiting to get in.
Giggling when we say "no" will not lessen the crime.
Mommy's earrings cannot be pulled out of her earlobes.

TPR? Check!

2006-10-31T17:48:00.000-05:00

Today at 3:45, R. came by the house, and as soon as she stepped foot in the door announced,

"WE GOT IT!"

The judge signed the TPR in chambers. It was that simple.

But that isn't everything. The best miracle is what I am about to tell you.

Cookie's birth father VOLUNTARILY terminated his parental rights. You read that correctly, folks. He wrote that he wanted Cookie to grow up with two loving parents who could take care of her. He said that he and his wife could not. He asked for only one thing - a picture of Cookie. I did better than that - I sent with R. a whole set of her most recent pictures to add to the stack of photos she already never got to give to Cookie's birth mother before she fled. I felt great about it. That man did perhaps the most unselfish thing he's ever done. A photograph was the least I could do to acknowledge that act.

We will learn more about Cookie's siblings that were adopted over a year ago. One of them had (or has) Wilms Tumor. There is evidence that it is genetic. We will certainly talk to the pediatrician and others we know about Cookie's risks. It only occurs in children, and is almost unseen in children over the age of 8. But, we ALL have some kind of rick factor for something-or-other, so I'm not overly concerned. If anything ever happens, we will proceed as any parent would do - we'll seek the best treatment available.

In the next few weeks, we will be assigned an adoption worker, and R. will bring her by our house and that will be R.'s last visit with us. It will be a bittersweet day, really - she's become "Auntie R." and has done absolutely everything in her power to ensure that Cookie's best interest was protected.

I have only vague notions of what will happen next. I only know we will work quickly to do everything we need to do. I will also try to document every step of this adoption process here so that everyone who may be looking to learn about how adoption from foster care happens (at least in one state) can have some idea of the steps involved. So, you can learn along with us.

We continue to be eternally grateful to all of you who read, who pray, who offer positive thoughts and support. I would never have gotten through this as "sane" as I remain without you. And God heard and answered all of these prayers - in His way, in His time.

Love to you all. For the bottom of our hearts, Thank You.

Adoption Timeline

2006-10-27T13:46:00.000-04:00

Well, our SW came by for her quarterly visit with us this morning. M. admired Cookie, checked clothing receipts, medical book, and lifebook progress. Then she talked with us a bit about how the adoption will proceed from here on out. So, in a nutshell, here's what it will likely look like:

Oct. 31 - First TPR court date - judge may rule from the bench, or wait 2 weeks to rule. Pray we get a TPR from the bench.

November 30/December 1st - TPR finalization is signed by the judge

December 15 - January 15 - Adoption worker is assigned, Guardian ad Litem is assigned and both visit our home. We complete some paperwork and hire an adoption attorney. We can hire an adoption attorney who will bill the state directly so we never have to pay a penny our-of-pocket.

January 15 - February 15 - Sometime within this time period, we will get our court date at which the adoption will become final.

I know, I'm stunned that everything will likely go quickly from here on out. I'm thankful. We pray that the judge rules quickly, and that no birth parents suddenly appear our of nowhere from a drug-induced haze to appeal the ruling. Stranger things have happened in foster-to-adopt cases.

So, if all goes as planned, Cookie will be our legal daughter forever and ever by February. This is excellent news!

Infertility and Adoption

2006-10-24T10:48:00.000-04:00

Together, my husband and I are an infertile couple. Alone, each of us would have been sub-fertile. Together, we are clinically infertile. It took a while for me to process the weighty implications of infertility - from aspects of my identity as a woman, to my carefully honed image of the future of my family.

Adoption for us was not a result of or reaction to infertility, and that is a noteworthy revelation. Adoption has always been an option for us. It was something we discussed before marriage. It always seemed like simply another way of doing family. For us, adoption came about after we discovered we were infertile, but we never viewed adoption as a lesser choice. It might have been interesting to experience pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding, or to see what a child would be like who had Michael's and my DNA. But Cookie is not our second choice or our last resort.

To have gone into adopting as a means of trying to lessen the impact of infertility or viewing adoption as somehow second-best would have been a grave disservice to any child. Cookie is not our salvation from anything. She does not fill an aching void, or make up for any of our imperfections. She is not a commodity, a posession, or an acquisition.

She's our daughter.

I hope to never treat my daughter in a way that communicates to her that she is "lucky to have us", or to treat her as if the world revolves around her in a way that communicates to her that we will "never be worthy of having her". What I do hope to communicate to her is that we are blessed to be a family, and that God saw that we would be good for each other.

I am grateful that we had the time and opportunity to process the reality of infertility before adopting. I am grateful our foster care R&C worker questioned us both about it as much as she did. It is critical that adoption not be a reaction, but instead is a choice. It's not about wanting a BMW, but settling for a Kia because that's all you can afford or access.

You might read our story and come up with different conclusions. You might say that God sent Cookie into our lives, or that the Universe brought her to us, or fate, or circumstance. But that is precisely how we chose to create our family.

We chose to say "no" to fertility treatments because we knew in our hearts that if we did, that adoption would become in our hearts second-best, the least-hoped-for outcome. I never wanted to even risk taking on the mindset that somehow mother nature, or God, or the Universe had screwed me over. I never wanted to play the martyr, or roll around in my own pool of self-pity.

I am sorry that I do not know anything about Cookie's birth family except their legal and moral choices. I can tell her that J. chose to give her life. J. left the treatment center knowing she was about to be served with paperwork terminating her parental rights. It has all had to happen without her. Since she has experience loosing children in the past, my guess is that she knew she was also leaving her child. My guess is that she knows Cookie is better off. I can only hope.

There is pain in adoption somewhere. Cookie's Biomom is undoubtedly in her own personal, drug-induced hell. She's loosing her third child. I do not know if Cookie's Biodad cares. He did not care when he was molesting and beating other children, so I can only assume he does not. But I sense the pain. I have sensed it all along.

I have read acccount of other adoptive parents who write about falling in love with the "concept" of a child. I did, too. Then I fell in love in different ways with four children before Cookie came into our lives.

We chose foster care as a way of adopting for a number of reasons. First was the grave need for foster parents, and the many children that can never be reunited because of drugs, abuse/neglect, and criminal activities. Second was our extreme aversion to the competitiveness and "pick me, pick me" world of private adoptions. A small amount of surfing websites promising to serve as your personal PR firm to make you look great as a couple made us want to vomit. It seemed not only wrong at a gut level, but bordered on immoral to us. The world of fostering to adopt has its fair share of problems and challenges, but there is no competitiveness. We were renters, I am divorced, we are a bi-racial couple, and I am no cookie-baking SAHM. Still, we made good foster parents because we would love on children - and there were far more children in need of a home than there are families willing to take them. It's risky, it's heartbreaking, but it's for the best cause in the world.

People have told us we are good people for adopting - saintly even. We are far from it. We are selfish, scared, imperfect people who wanted to have a family. We were not desperate, and we did not feel like a child would "fix" something broken, but we wanted a family very much. We went about it in the best, most cost-effective, close-to-home way we knew of. At the time, I was fostering kittens for the Humane Society, and my mother jokingly said I needed to go get some human children and foster them. So, I went about educating myself. We went to 30 hours of training, and did mounds of paperwork. It was that simple.

I'm grateful my husband and I were able to openly discuss and move beyond the label of infertility before adopting. It would have been so unfair to Cookie for her to grow up feeling like we love her, but wished we could have had a biological child instead. On the contrary. Cookie did grow inside of me. While she was gestating inside J. somewhere across town or across KY, she was growing in my heart - and I didn't even know if she was a boy, or girl, or brown, or peachy-beige. I didn't even know when she would show up. All that I had was a "concept", and that "concept" was as real as it gets.

There are times when people remind us that Cookie is not our biological child - like when they ask my espresso-skinned husband if the little red-headded girl "is adopted", or when they ask him "Is that your kid?" But the feeling in my soul is real. I hope she will not feel a loss as she grows up. I hope she never feels she has to write a blog detailing the pain of knowing she was born of a drug addict and in foster care. If she does, we will talk as much as she wants to.

We might foster-to-adopt again someday, and it won't be because Cookie "wasn't enough". It's just that we've discovered that we have a whole lot of love to go around, and a life that's terrific enough that we want to share it with at least one child, and maybe more. We can't avoid acknowledging the pain that is going on elsewhere even as we celebrate on November 4th - the day of our first "baby shower". What we can do, is be certain that Cookie was not our second choice - she was God's first choice for us, and that makes her first in our book any day.

Happy 10 Month Birthday, Sugar Cookie!

2006-10-20T13:24:00.000-04:00

You're very close to being our daughter forever, and this is a huge relief to your Mommy and Daddy! You're a busy girl, and growing up faster than we ever imagined. Here's some things we've noticed about you:

You can now use your index finger to poke at things or push little buttons to turn things off and on.

You're walking with pretty good skill now, and getting much better balance. You can zip around the room with amazing speed, and even crouch down to pick something up without falling down. You can even walk while carrying something in each hand (something you love to do).

You have 4 teeth - two on top and two on bottom, and no real signs of any more poking through just yet.

Your favorite "toys" are our car keys, cell phones, and wallets.

Everything still eventually ends up in your mouth.

Your blue eyes have not changed in the slightest, and you now have a head full of very silky strawberry blonde hair.

You are extremely confident, and explore everything like a little scientist. You love to get into things. Pulling objects out of boxes and drawers excites you.

You adore your daddy, and when he pulls up in the driveway, I carry you to the front door and let you look through the glass storm door and watch him walk up the driveway. You always grin like crazy and flap your arms in excitement. Daddy then walks in, gives us both kisses, and scoops you up to give you hugs. I think it is your (and his) favorite part of the whole day.

You have separation anxiety when Daddy takes you to daycare, though Ms. Razi usually helps make the drop-off a little easier on you and Daddy.

You don't seem to mind strangers too much, as long as they keep a "safe" distance and allow you to explore at your own speed, and assuming that Mommy and Daddy are close by.

You still hate wearing shoes, hats, or bows in your hair, and will rip these off if at all possible.

You still share the family bed with your daddy and mommy, and enjoy snuggling up close now that it's getting downright cold at night. Your mommy and daddy feel much less pressure to get you out of the bed now that they know how much it has helped you develop.

You enjoy being in the kitchen whenever one of us in in there. You enjoy helping do the dishes - especially if it means you can pull utensils out of the holder (no knives, though) and fling them onto the floor.

You just got over your second ear infection, thrush, and a yeast diaper rash all at the same time. You were particularly aggravated about it all, and let us know. The thrush had caused you to regurgitate your entire bottle all over us after a feeding at least once a day. I still need to steam-clean the sofa.

You enjoy trying to eat whatever we do, and I assume it won't be long before you are chowing down on most things. The other night you enjoyed eating a bunch of peas out of my Chinese fried-rice, though you did not particularly care for the rice.

You smile and laugh all the time, and your personality is enormous. You are dramatic, and even like to "perform" for us, and enjoy putting on little shows of sorts. Your laugh shakes your whole little body. I know I've smiled more these 10 months than I have in a very long time - just from watching you.

You seem to enjoy the version of "Ridin' Dirty" I sing to you while changing your diaper: "My poop is so foul and stin-ky. Mom's hopin' that she won't catch me ridin' dirty. Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty..." Daddy, on the other hand, sings "We Want the Funk" as well as other assorted things that I've never even heard of before.

You know how to wave now - and you first did it to "Uncle Paul" when he was here to visit a couple of weeks ago. We were sitting on the sofa and were astonished when he waved at you - and you waved back! From then on, you've loved waving "hello" and "goodbye" on a pretty regular basis.

You're becoming like your Daddy and I in various ways. You've got my dramatic, stubborn streak, and enough attitude for both of us. You can throw a conniption-fit as well as I can. You love eating as much as the two of us do. You're willing to try anything just like me. You already seem to have my appreciation for good jewelry and high quality bedding. You enjoy watching Jeopardy with us - even if Daddy knows all the answers way before we do.

You've got your Daddy's scientific inquiry, and his tendency to go into periods of quiet thoughtfulness or reservation. Like Daddy, you don't care for large and noisy groups of people. Like Daddy, you enjoy your books and like to visit them every day. Like Daddy, you have a hard time actually finishing a book before moving on to something else.

We are very proud of your continued development. You challenge us daily, and remind us that there are far more important things than committee meetings, rude bosses, and irritating co-workers. You make coming home at the end of the day even more enjoyable. We still stare at you, and admire the lovely little girl you are becoming.

While we would love to have your adoption wrapped up before Christmas, just knowing that we're on the way there is enough for us.

Happy 10 Month Birthday, Sugar Cookie. We love you.

My Not-So Little Girl

2006-10-18T13:47:00.000-04:00

I can't believe you've been my daughter for almost 10 months. You are so smart and so beautiful, and just when I think I can't possibly love you more, I wake up the next morning to find I do.

We Have A Court Date!

2006-10-16T09:58:00.000-04:00

Just got the call from R. - the court date for TPR has been set for...OCTOBER 31st at 1:30

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!

Baby shower is now scheduled for Nov. 4th, and my parents will meet their grandaughter for the first time on November 10th.

Life is good.

Midterm Reflections

2006-10-12T17:28:00.000-04:00

On top of my full-time day job in research integrity, I also teach part-time on Thursday evenings. I teach a 400-level class in Persuasion. It should be more fun than it is, but sometimes the whining and complaining gets the best of me.

Tonight is the midterm exam - thought it starts at 6, I have 2 students who have already sat down to take it. One student who came by my office early to take it took 2 hours - and it's only 46 multiple choice and 12 short answer questions! You'd think I'd stabbed her from the way she crept into my office when she was finished. Whatever happened to the geeky students like me who actually enjoyed college?

Oh well...I figured I'd take a moment here to breathe and update the blog that doesn't get updated nearly often enough.

QueenBee over at My Ebenezer wrote recently about the tough days of being a mom. I'd like to give a cheer in response: Amen, Sista! It is so, so hard so many days. I am exhausted, and there are many days I question how good I am doing (though it is worth noting that I have absolutely no idea what I would do differently to be better). There are even moments when I must force myself to remember why I wanted this so badly. There are moments when I remember being blissfully single, or blissfully married with many fewer responsibilities. I wonder what I did with all the free time I had. I realize how much I frittered away (frittered is a cool word).

Cookie can throw a pretty decent tantrum. I must give the girl credit. She can become downright dramtic, animated, whiney and pathetic. She'll arch her back and throw her head back and kick her legs and become stiff. Of course, while all this is going on, she's also keeping a keen eye on us to check our reaction (Is this working?). At first, it was cute. I was even pleased that her development was progressing so nicely and that she was learning to be so expressive. Now, it is a frustrating reality. God bless my husband for his endless patience. He can handle any irritating behavior she can offer up, and not get angry. He keeps me in check, and is quick to offer to take her for a spell while I get my bearings. In fact, we do an excellent job of sharing tasks and baby-duties. Even as I type, he is picking her up from daycare and will play with her at home and even likely get her into bed all before I get home from class. It is a partnership I never fully comprehended.

I value my husband in brand new ways. It's quite amazing, really, when I consider my experiences with the male homosapien sapien. I have a lot of experience - damn good ones, really. But never have I valued partnership as I do now. I miss the physical intimacy, but we have nicer times together with Cookie between us now. A while back, my husband and I were lying in bed together about to fall asleep with a sleeping Cookie between us - when he stretched his leg out and began to rub my leg with his across the bed. He said it was "cricket love" and I giggled like a little girl. It was very special to me, and most every night now we have cricket love. Crickets should be so lucky.

I also have a deeper appreciation for house and home, and for the times when I can sink down into the sofa and just breathe and exist in the peacefulness that is my space. I now share my space with two others, but the space is alive and full and energizing. I feel older in some ways (my back, the circles under my eyes, the lack of energy), and younger in others (an anticipation of the future, a richer sense of humor, a more laid-back attitude about the "little things"). It's interesting how I am learning to reclaim myself even as I feel myself stretched to the limit in so many directions.

Hubby and I have decided to apply for positions at James Madison University. It would mean a position where I could teach full-time - it's a 3-yr. rotating appointment lecturer position - as well as a lovely faculty line in Michael's specialization. We have until Nov. 1 to get our materials in - so guess what we'll be doing this weekend? I know you're jealous - don't even try to hide it. Life's good here in Lexington, but Michael's department is less-than family-friendly (his department chair actually had her tubes tied in advance just to make sure children would not ruin her career - damn crumb-gatherers). Senior members of the department met and wrote (and distributed this summer) a department credo (no, I am not lying) that addressed that faculty should not allow family matters to get in the way of classes, office hours, appointments, and committee responsibilities. It was horrifying. I must post it here soon so all the world can read the insulting basura that is this so-called credo. BTW - the only people in his department that have children at home are 3 untenured males. How's that for reverse discrimination? Hubby asked wether his bringing Cookie to class with him was partly behind the "credo". He got a less than stellar response. Academics. Screw them all. Onward and upward we go - Cookie in tow.

(Ah, students are finishing in 45 minutes flat...not a good sign with those 12 short-answer questions. Well, less for me to grade!)

I really can't wait to get home tonight. It's so cold outside, and I know the house will be all warm and good-smelling with Brooklyn pizza, and LOST waiting to be watched from last night on the DVR (God bless the inventors of DVR.)

Ok, so far 6 different students have come up to ask me what the word "salient" means, and just as many have come up because they did not know what "mutually exclusive" meant. *sigh* 11 students left to finish - and 3 are now just sitting there staring off into space as if aliens are about to beam the answers down to them.

At 1 hr and 15 minutes, 8 are left... and one dude is now taking a break and eating cookies he brought in his backpack - honestly, folks, this is not your livingroom!

There's not much more to report on the home-front. Life is good, Cookie continues to thrive, and we are starting to make plans for the holidays (well, I am starting anyway).

November 4th our small group at church is having a baby shower for us and Cookie - that's as far back as we could convince them to push it. I just don't think they wanted to wait any longer. I've registered for a few things at Babys R Us, but honestly, I really don't want or need anything. Cookie's grandparents keep her well-dressed and stocked with plenty of good books, and we keep her well-stocked as well. I even broke down and bought her a pair of Robeez shoes. They are quite cute, albeit expensive in my book at $26 a pair.

We still talk about putting ourselves back on the list for placements, but it seems like each day holds new challenges that convince us to wait. Our one little girl sure is demanding.

I'm amazed at how beautiful Cookie is. Don't you other parents just stare endlessly at your kids? I pet her so much when she is sleeping that she often whines and rolls over as if to say "Enough, mommy - now let me sleep!" He hair and skin are so silky, and I love how she smells. As big as she is getting, I still love the feel of her against me. It will be sad when she doesn't want to be held anymore.

Well, one lone student is finishing up the exam - an hour and 45 minutes after he started. Ugh. I will now begin packing up to motivate him to finish!

The Cookie Walks!

2006-10-05T10:30:00.000-04:00

Well, last night I had gone into the kitchen to grab some paper towels and Windex because I thought I'd be productive and clean the windows before our company comes in on Friday. Just as I turned around to come back into the livingroom, I see Cookie come WALKING around the corner holding my cell phone in one hand. There she was, just walking as confident and happy as can be. I about passed out.

So, since the digital camera was stolen, all I had was the little camera on my cell phone. So, here's the talented Ms. Sugar Cookie:

So, last night marked THE MOMENT we officially entered a new level of "I'm in trouble." She was so proud of herself. I promise to get a new digital camera in the next couple of days - she deserves better pictures that aren't fuzzy.

YAY Cookie! Next: basketball!

Added: Here's Cookie preparing to walk at daycare:

MORE teething, company, baby shower...

2006-10-04T10:36:00.000-04:00

TEETHING

Yikes. Someone really should have warned me about teething, and that it is pretty continuous from about 6-12 months of age.

Cookie now has her bottom 2 teeth fully in and her two top teeth about 3/4 of the way in.

For the past several nights, she's been waking up crying every 2-3 hours. Before, she was only waking up once for a diaper change and a snack (hey, even I wake up sometimes and have to pee and go downstairs for some chocolate milk, so this I understand). But lately she's been waking up and crying like something's wrong. I strongly suspect she's about to cut some more teeth. At 9 1/2 months, she's just about on schedule.

There's no difference in what she puts in her mouth because freakin' EVERYTHING goes in her mouth. She loves our keys, our shoes, the mail, the strap of my purse, Michael's wallet - everything she can find.

COMPANY

We're getting company this weekend - Michael's good friend from graduate school and his wife. They'll be here from Friday night to Sunday evening, and we're going over to catch the Bruce Hornsy concert in Louisville. Michael's a big Bruce fan, and this will be my 3rd Bruce concert with him (I think he qualifies as a "groupie"). Anyway, I'm afraid the only impression I ever gave Michael's friend was a very bad one. The only time I met him I was sulking, and Michael and I were fighting (as was customary during that pre-marriage time period). I am sure he thought I was a bee-atch. Heck, in retrospect, I think I was a bee-atch. I'm hoping this weekend I'll have a chance to resemble a reasonable human being and make a better impression.

BABY SHOWER

Well, our Sunday school class leaders said they are tired of waiting and want to have a baby shower now – and then an adoption party later. So, they TOLD us (after we had been out of church for weeks being sick) that the party is October 21st after church. They are having a cookout at their place and inviting lots of people from church and asked me to get them addresses of folks from work that we want there too.

When I stressed an “adoption party” and baby dedication/baptism (yeah, they do that in our church – the water-sprinkling thing) – they all said they wanted to do that too once the adoption is finalized.

So, I was looking at christening gowns at Burlington – they have a pretty assortment there, and was sad because they only went up to 6 months of age. I guess they assume babies get baptized or dedicated by then. Hmm. This is discriminatory. Lemme know if you ever see any for a 1 yr. old. She might just have to have a pretty white dress instead. I bet they sell them for tiny little flower girls or something. I may have to look into that.

So, this is very nice of folks at church. I just think they didn’t want us to be left out – there have been a ton of baby showers take place since Cookie came to live with us, so I know it’s been a long time in coming and they’ve been asking about doing it for a long time.

That's about all the updates I have for now. I'm recovering from being ill, my house is fairly clean, and everything seems to be falling nicely into place without my overt attempts to control the universe.

Oh, and Cookie got a new "big girl" car seat. She is actually heavy enough and long enough to face forward now, so she got a new fabulous Eddie Bauer car seat (because she IS a fashionista - and because Big Lots freakin' ROCKS). She loves her new view of the world - no more watching the world go by backwards. This is a big deal for her (and us, a little).

September's Visit w/ SW

2006-09-28T15:57:00.000-04:00

R. came by today to do her regular monthly check-in with Cookie. She's pleased with her development (amazed, really). Here's the skinny on how she believes the next couple of months will look:

October 2nd - the warning lawyer submits paperwork to the court re: Biomom AWOL and cannot be located

October 16th (approx.) - we get assigned a court date

November 6th - possible court date for TPR hearing

December 4th - worst-case scenario for court date for TPR hearing if something happens.

One month wait to see if Bioparents appeal (which Biomom obviously can't do if she's AWOL - though Biodad could do from jail, ironically)

R. told us that our judge only does the TPR hearings on the first Monday of each month, so if we get a date assigned to us in October, we are looking at a November 6th court date. If it doesn't work out for November, we'll be looking for a Dec. 4th date. This give me great hope that TPR will be granted by the end of the year.

Unfortunately, I spoke with a friend who is adopting her two kids from foster care and who has the same judge. While TPR was granted for them back in July, she still does not have the final order signed, and is pretty clueless as to what is going on. She a liscensed social worker, so I figure she'd know how to get it done if she could. But, who knows. It worried me a bit, but I figure we just need to pray for the judge - that God would motivate her and those who work with her to get that paperwork finalized. My friend already has the kids, but would really like to get things rolling again. Please pray that my friend get her TPR finalized paperwork soon so she can move on to the adoption process. Her kids are 4 and 6, and were in foster care for 3 years - they deserve to have things finished as soon as possible.

Now, here's my biggest prayer request: that we get that Novemebr 6th court date. Why? Because on November 9th, we will be taking Cookie to Florida to meet her grandparents! Wouldn't that just be a fabulous thing to have the judge's order in hand right before we leave? If you've been following my story, you know my parents have been too scared to meet her before now for fear she'd leave (and they are just downright stubborn). It would make the trip down there all that more meaningful for all of us.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers yesterday. I am exhausted from being sick for so long, but beyond that I am finally feeling well. I would like some alone-time with my husband, but without family around, it's hard - and the only people she knows are her daycare workers. I'm afraid a baby sitter from church (and wonderful people have offered) would freak her out. She already exhibits a bit of separation anxiety when Michael drops her off at daycare, so my concern is not unfounded.

Michael's trying to do a father-daughter day out with a co-worker of his and his little girl, so that I can have some time on Saturday to just exist. I am certain he has absolutely no idea how wonderful that sounds - and I'm sure Cookie would enjoy it immensely.

That about sums it up. Now we begin the 2-3 week wait to get assigned a court date. Cindy - we're right behind you!

I Wonder

2006-09-27T16:26:00.000-04:00

If you're a stressed out foster parent of a baby - is the stress any worse or different because you know that this child is still NOT YOUR CHILD?

Huge moments still reveal the fact that Cookie is not our legal daughter. Back in May, we changed her name in every place and with everyone who knew us and her. Her nameplate above her crib at daycare changed. She became Mia Elizabeth Lastname.

But every time I call the pediatrician, I have to call her my foster daughter. I have to use her legal name. I am reminded of how little free will and choice I have.

I have had conversations with First Steps for intake evaluation since Cookie was born with drugs in her system. I had to tell them so much I didn't want to tell again. "Was she full term?" asked the nice woman on the phone. "I don't know. Her birth mom had no prenatal care we know of. She gave birth at the hospital, and then left. She was 7 lbs. when she left the hospital, so we assume she was full term." We assume a lot.

{BTW, Cookie did not qualify for services from First Steps. After the initial evaluation, at 9 months, she scored at the "advanced" level for a 12 month old. I do NOT say this as any indication of anything we did, or as a comparison in ANY way (I detest this competitive parent crap). It IS a PRAISE GOD moment for how He healed her and released her from any harm. On Christmas morning, she was healed. You can go back in my blog to around that time to read the full account.}

Last night, at 2 am, I lost it again. Cookie woke up and decided to cry and arch her back and thrash about in my arms and have a royal fit (she is developing a big personality - more on that later). I haven't written about this - but I've been extremely ill for 2 weeks now, and am on the second round of antibioticcs. I am exhausted and physically drained. On top of that, our house was burgalarized and my entire jewelry chest stolen and my digital camera. My only physical posessions of much value - gone. My grandmother's engagement ring from my grandfather - 75 years old - gone. My sweet 16 emerald ring - gone. While we were at work. But I digress.

It's been a hard two weeks.

Last night's fit-pitching sent me into anger mode. I was holding Cookie while she thrashed about and cried and Michael asked "Do you want me to take her downstairs?" My reply was, "I want her to SHUT UP!! I WANT one night of sleep. I WANT to not be freakin' sick. I want my things back. I want to not go through this every freakin' night!" And Michael (bless his heart) quietly got out of bed and took Cookie from me. I was angry. I sat at the top of the stairs, tears pouring down my face, as I watched Michael sit on the sofa in the darkness downstairs. I heard Cookie snoring. I sobbed, "I can't take any more." And I cried - loudly. One of those cries that shakes your entire body, where you cry so hard you feel you might vomit, or pass out - or both. Fortuantely, I did neither. I did "the drill". I went into my bathroom, sat on the commode, peed (TMI), and sobbed. I held my head in my hands and ran my fingers through my hair. I got it together and crawled back into bed and fell asleep. I woke up later with Michael and Cookie in their usual spots - Michael on his side of the bed, and Cookie in the middle (thank God for King-sized beds).

I was angry that I do so much for a child who isn't legally mine. Any one can come at any time and take her away. It's a reality of foster care. She's not ours until the judge signs that piece of paper - and we've got quite a few steps to get through before that happens. It feels like it's been a long time, and yet I know there are folks who foster for YEARS before finally being able to adopt their kids (Jane, I think of your story especially.) There is a resentment there. This case has been "over" a long time ago. Dad's in jail for 9 years, mom's a junkie, and there are no suitable family members who aren't also part of "the system". A brother and sister were already adopted out almost 2 years ago. We knew all that by the time she was a month old, and Biomom still hadn't made contact. Biomom didn't even see the baby until she was 2 months old. By then, it was already over.

Sometime in October the warning lawyer should file paperwork with the court indicating that Biomom can't be found. Then, we'll get a court date for TPR. Then I will breathe a little easier. It will still be hard. Being a parent of a confident toddler is hard.

She's smart and so beautiful, and so strong willed - and her little personality and sense of self is developing so rapidly. She's learning what she can and can't control in her universe, and that has to be frustrating. Heck, it's frustrating for me - and I'm 35.

Cookie's New "Skill"

2006-09-26T10:47:00.000-04:00

In addition to learning how to unfurl the entire roll of toilet paper onto the floor...

In addition to learning how to pull all of the kleenex out of the box on by one, or pulling every garbage bag out of the box one by one, or pulling every paper towel off the roll one by one, this is her latest new "skill"...

I had picked up Cookie from daycare. On the way out, there is always a big basket by the door of daycare that is filled with individually packaged snacks, like animal crackers. I always let Cookie grab one and play with it while she rides in her car seat on the way home. She loves crinkling the package between her fingers. Yesterday was no different, except the snack was tiny bags of Fritos.

Per usual, Cookie liked the shiny package and the crinkly sound it made. As we drove off, I heard the crinkling noises for a few blocks. Then, the crinkling sound stopped, and I heard...

MUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH

And I smelled...

FRITOS!

Any of you fellow Frito-lovers know - the smell is strong - and delightful - the yummy fragrance of fried cornchips.

Once I got to the next redlight, I turned around to see her in the carseat behind me munching away with much delight and Fritos all over her.

She had figured out how to open up the bag WITH HER TEETH - and she only has 4 of them - 2 on bottom and 2 on top that are only about half-way out. But I suppose that's enough to get the job done.

All evening long, every time I hugged my Cookie, I got a whiff of Fritos, and I smiled.

Happy 9 Month Birthday, Sugar Cookie!

2006-09-20T12:26:00.000-04:00

This is a few days later - but better late than never!...

There's now so much Cookie to love! You now weigh 20 pounds, and our backs can certainly tell how much you've grown.

You've got a thick head of the silkiest strawberry blonde hair I've ever felt. Your eyes are still just as blue as the day you came home from the hospital. Your skin still feels just as soft.

Your vocabulary has grown too. You can say "mama", "dada", and all kinds of assorted syllables and vowel sounds. You talk to the cats a lot, too. We may not know much about what you are saying, but you sure have a lot to say, and you say it with such conviction!

Your favorite food is still Banana Puffs, though you also love soft-serve vanilla ice cream and fruits and veggies. You're not a fan of meat yet. The other night you were scarfing down on my baked potato from Wendy's, though I think it might have been beause you loved the butter and sour cream.

You've now had your first major "bumps and bruises". We've gotten 2 calls from daycare telling us you bumped your head and had a red mark on your forehead. Fortunately, they both went away in a day or so. By the time we got there to pick you up, you were "all better" anyway. It seems you like to climb all over things, and still loose your balance from time to time. You do this every night at home too, though your balance is so much better than it was last month.

You're now taking your first tentative steps as you transition from holding on to one object then another. At home, you'll let go of the coffee table, turn around, and take the two steps to get over to the sofa. We cheer for you when you do this, and the look of pride on your face is just incredible. You can stand up on your own for about 15 seconds now - and you can even bounce on your toes! We know that very soon you are going to be off and running.

The other day I went upstairs to grab something, and by the time I got back to the top of the stairs, you were already on the 4th step! I about had a heart attack, but you just looked at me like, "What?"

Your new love is now to be in the kitchen with me while I'm cooking or doing dishes. If the dishwasher is open, you like to stand by the door and try to pull out the utensils. If it is empty and I am loading it, you like to inspect the insides of the dishwasher. I wonder what it is you find so fascinating.

You also love to follow me into the bathroom and yank the toilet paper so it unfurls into a big pile on the floor. You stand there and admir eyour handiwork with great pride.

You still love chasing after the cats, and craling after them with their feather stick in your hand.

You are getting all of your baths in the tub with us now - you're just too big for the plastic tub in the kitchen sink. Besides, the last time I tried that, you splashed so much it soaked me and flooded the kitchen floor. Now we take baths together at night, which is nice and relaxing for both of us.

You can drink out of a sippy cup, but you still prefer a bottle. I think it's because bottle-time is also cuddle-time and you like that as much as I do.

It's hard to remember what life was like before you came along, but I'm sure it wasn't half as nice.

I can't wait to see what the next month has in store for you!

Fall & Fried Chicken

2006-09-20T12:16:00.000-04:00

A little while ago, I wrote that fall is like fried chicken - cripsy, crunchy, and delicious.

Fall is my favorite time of year. I get all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about the first big "cold snap"of the year. I love the smell of the dry leaves and the crisp air. I love wearing sweaters and bluejeans. I love being able to cuddle up with my favorite someone without getting sticky and sweaty. I never did understand the appeal of "sticky and sweaty". Eeew.

Tonight in Lexington we may set a new low for today's date. If it gets down to 40, it will be a record - but we are still looking at mid-to-low 40's regardless. How delicious is that?

I'm sorry to report that Michael is not as fond of the cold weather. In fact, he downright despises it. He's been wearing warm clothes now for weeks - with highs in the 70's. Guess he's still a Mississippi guy.

Me, well, I'm looking forward to an evening at home with my hunnies. I may just have to get out the 'ol crock pot and throw on a pot of beef stew.

Come on Fall - sock it to me!

25 Accomplishments in 12 Months

2006-09-18T09:27:00.000-04:00

I saw this on Pajama Mama's site, and figured I'd give it a go.
This is a potentially inspirational, potentially difficult thing to do, but here goes nothing:

1. Completed 3 continuing education courses to keep foster parenting license.

2. Learned how to process Nonmedical Expedited Continuation Review here at work.

3. Learned how to process Medical Full Continuation Review here at work.

4. Gave 4 speeches/workshops on campus on IRB review - including College of Education new faculty orientation and Rehabilitation Sciences new doctoral student orientation.

5. Cared for a total of 5 foster children that were our placements and 4 other foster children for respite care.

6. Cut my hair above my shoulders after having worn it long most of my life. I also got mad color and highlights.

7. Decided to do laser hair removal all over my face after years of suffering with man-hair from PCOS. Successfully completed 3 sessions, endured the pain, and am now smooth and free of facial hair forever.

8. Underwent plastic surgery to remove an ugly dermatofibroma that had been on my right arm for at least 20 years. It is now gone, and no one will ever ask me again - "what happened to your arm?"

9. Bought a new-to-us house - our first home purchase ever.

10. Moved into new house with a newborn baby in the middle of winter.

11. Took out my first big-time life insurance policy that would take good care of me and Cookie should Michael croak. I felt very grown-up.

12. Got even further out of consumer debt.

13. Got job interviews for other positions that I was "overqualified" for.

14. Learned how to care for a drug-exposed infant.

15. Learned how to get WIC to give you an appointment to get vouchers for formula even when they have no available appointments.

16. Became a better wife by complaining less, crying less, and appreciating more.

17. Made friends with more people at work.

18. Hung up all the pictures in my new house.

19. Improved my relationship with my parents while maintaining appropriate and necessary boundaries.

20. Watched the entire Season 1 and Season 2 of Lost on DVD within the last month.

21. Hosted a surprise 50th birthday party for a co-worker at my home that was actually a surprise AND was one that everyone completely enjoyed.

22. Hired someone to clean my house.

23. Completely and utterly forgave someone.

24. Saw Jamie Cullum in concert.

25. Ceased using a fertility monitor and made the decision never to pursue fertility treatments.

Observations From My Sick Bed...Ugh, Desk

2006-09-13T19:59:00.000-04:00

Well, it's official. I have an upper respiratory infection, a nasty ear infection, and "pink eye". I have the hat trick of crud.

If that wasn't bad enough, right after I'd gotten home from the doctor's office and the pharmacy and popped the first mega-antibiotics and crawled into bed, I got a phone call from day care - seems that Cookie had the poops really, really bad and wouldn't stop crying. So, off I went to pick her up and be single-mom until Michael arrived home at 7.

Today I had to stay home sick with my sick child from the time Michael left at 11 until, well, a few minutes ago (8 pm) when he was done teaching for the day.

She poops every hour - and it is apparently horribly distressing for her (as it is for me). Her rash is terrible, even after I slather on the A&D ointment. Even bathtime tonight was just an angry, wet little girl. She's also running a mild fever, and snotty as all get out - and the whining and crying just make her nose run. Honestly, she looks neglected, and I've done nothing but care for her all day. I never even put on a bra. I managed to load up the dishwasher - but all the while she was holding onto my pantleg and hollering like a stuck piglet.

So, while I was supposed to be recovering I had to listen to a whining screaming, pooping child the entire day. I think the only time she was't whining or crying was the 1-hr. nap she took from 1-2.

I love that child.

I also have a lot more respect for SAHMs. I could never do what you do. God bless you - all of you. Whenever I go back to work, it will be better than today has been.

*sigh*

Same Old, Same Old

2006-09-08T11:45:00.000-04:00

I'm still here, still loving my little family, still enjoying motherhood, and still wishing this was a faster process. But I have nothing to complain about - absolutely nothing. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Speaking of wild dreams, Michael and I have gotten addicted to watching Lost. Anyone seen it? Holy Cow. We finished the first season on DVD, and the first disk of season 2 that was released this week. We watched so much so quickly because it is TV crack. Then I started having dreams about it. It is an amazing show, and it keeps getting freakier. Dang, somebody e-mail me who has watched this show.

I'm exhausted. Anyone else out there exhausted? I've never been so thankful for the weekend since becoming a mom. I mean, it calls to me. Five hours to go. I may just get into bed as soon as I get home and forget dinner. Nah. I'll eat and then crawl into bed. Michael was all snuggly in bed with Cookie when I left this morning - all peaceful and warm. A daddy with his daughter is quite the lovely sight, I tell ya.

I had a major accomplishment over the holiday. I hung pictures in my house. This might not seem like much, but we have been living in our new house for 9 months with all of our pictures stacked against the wall in the downstairs half-bath just waiting - for me to get off my a** and figure out where they go. But I am a precision picture-hanger. I measure, mark, measure again - then hammer and hang. I use actual picture hangers. I measure the distance to the top of the wall. I hang everything at eye-level for proper viewing. I am anal about this. That also means it takes for-freakin-ever. But it is finished. Now, in my livingroom hangs two large prints of peacock mommies and daddies with tiny baby peacocks. It is a nice image of family, and I like the one of the daddy and babies - it makes a lovely statement.

I feel fall approaching. I smell it in the air, and it excites me. It does not motivate me to do anything, but it excites me nonetheless. Fall is the coziest time of year. It is crispy and crunchy and delicious - much like fried chicken. Fall is like fried chicken. What a splendid metaphor.

This post proves I need sleep...and food. Sleep and food. Aaaaaahhhh. Have a great weekend, friends. Go hug someone and tell them fall is coming.

I Love Mail!!

2006-08-30T16:43:00.000-04:00

Cookie loves getting the mail - and then dropping it on the floor for "someone" to pick up. (Or perhaps this is what she thinks of our insurance statements!)

Either way, my baby girl is turning into a big girl more and more every day.

Tell me you LOVE her new Gator gear! Go Gators!! And WHY are people so offended that we dress our girl (as they say) "like a boy!!" - as if she's in some way going to be harmed by this. Ugh. Gender-police, I swear. Yes, she wears lots of sports gear, and no, I don't think she looks like a boy. I think she looks like a CAPABLE girl who will soon be a CAPABLE WOMAN!

Her latest thing is standing up next to the sofa or coffee table and letting go - she'll stand there perfectly still for a few seconds, wobble a bit and try to use her arms for balance, then finally fall back on her bum. We are sure to applaud for her, as she looks to us for a reaction to her attempts to stand on her own.

She hates hats - rips them off as soon as you try to put them on. She also dislikes shoes about as much as we dislike trying to get them ON her.

She loves snuggling, chasing the cat, eating fruit puffs, tasting the food off our plates, zerberts (belly raspberries), and Ms. Razi at day care. Let me tell you a little about Ms. Razi:

Ms. Razi will tell you she is Persian (Persia is now Iran). She speaks Farsi, which is a form of Persian. She doesn't speak much English, and is relatively new to the infant/toddler room at daycare. But lemme tell you, folks, Cookie loves her some Ms. Razi. When Michael takes her in every morning, Ms. Razi comes right over and takes her away! And when one of us comes to pick her up, she's right there with her too - and always having a ball. But you should also know that whenever I hear Ms. Raszi talking to Cookie, it is not really in English. It's kind of a Farshlish blend of sorts. And I think Cookie speaks Farshlish, I really do. She seems to perfectly understand everything - even if it sounds to me like "Shadjjstsa ajdkjikjsa knnewata GOOD GIRL!" And just last night I swear Cookie was speaking that and looking at us and wondering why we didn't understand.

Language is so fabulous, isn't it? And the universal language of, well, love for children. That is easy to understand.

I'm so glad Cookie has a new friend when we can't be with her.

I'm Absolutely Sick Of...

2006-08-23T16:30:00.000-04:00

...people saying/writing that the "foster care system is broken" and not actively trying to make it better.

So, to put my money where my mouth is, I am becoming a trainer.

Yes, you read correctly.

Next year, I will be teaching a class for credit for training foster parents.

I will be teaching it on Newborn & Toddler Issues (all the things I wish someone had told me!).

I am extremely honored.

I designed a set of sample classes and submitted them, and was asked when I wanted to start, and to choose the topics I wanted to cover - just like that. (My MA and doctoral work is in Family Communication, in case you wanted my credentials above-and-beyond the "practical").

Now, 2 things I want from my readers:
1) feedback - what kind of training do you wish you had received (as a parent or a foster parent)? (this is a "hindsight" question)
2) tell me - what have you been complaining about that you can start to actively do something to make it better? (ooooh, Tamara asks the tough question...)

Why Adoption & Why Through Foster Care?

2006-08-23T09:42:00.000-04:00

My parents did not understand why two intelligent individuals with multiple graduate degrees, with excellent careers and an adequate income would choose to adopt through foster care.

When we began this process of inquiry in May of 05 and classes in July 05, my parents were full of questions that carried the tone of "have you lost your ever-lovin' minds?". They wanted to know why.

They understood why we did not choose to put ourselves through fertility treatments. For those of you who don't know us, I'll try to be brief:

My husband and I are 35 (33 when we learned that I have PCOS and he is sub-fertile). We both read the medical literature - real publications in real journals, not just internet pap - and educated ourselves about the risks to my body and health and, more importantly, to the baby. Eggs age - and new research has revealed that older men's sperm carries more risk of genetic disorders. Our risks of having a baby with Down Syndrome are 1 in 400 - more than double what our risk would be if we were under 30. We would certainly deal with a child with Down Syndrome - and many fabulous couples (see Pajama Mama, for example) are extraordinary parents with extraordinary kids. We had to ponder the risks.

PCOS left me with an much greater risk of miscarriage should I ever be able to conceive (RE gave us a 15% chance with IUI and a 30% chance with IVF).

The costs seemed unimaginable - $500 per IUI treatment (RE recommended no more than 3 attempts before moving on to IVF at $20,000). We could have put ourselves into debt to attempt IVF, but at what cost?

Queen Bee at My Ebeneezer also helped me decide not to do fertility treatments, as did other women who had finally gotten off the IF rollercoaster and went another route. My mental health and emotional and spiritual well-being was also a factor in our deciding not to pursue fertility treatments

Once adoption was our option, we were left to decide a route.

A nice guy I work with and his wife adopted a little girl from China 4 years ago. They suffered through multiple miscarriages before deciding to get off the IF rollercoaster and adopt. They chose international adoption because there was no risk of a birthmother changing her mind, or a birthfather suddenly appearing on the horizon and hiring a lawyer to get his child back. His daughter was in an orphanage and free and clear for adoption.

So why did we not choose international adoption? Several reasons really, but the big one was a knowledge of how many children needed homes right here in the United States - in Kentucky - in Lexington! It seemed wrong (for us) to pass those children over simply because international adoption was "easier" (which is, by the way, and enormous myth).

Still, my parents persisted in calling us to say they saw a "Guatemalan family" and "Why don't you just fly down there and get one of them?" As if children are commodities that can be bought and sold, and negotiated. Unreal.

International adoption was also no cheaper than domestic adoption.

We attended multiple "adoption fairs" - open houses where multiple adoption agencies and service providers set up informational booths and gave talks about various subjects. It all felt awful. Every time I went, I felt queezy in my stomach. Were these children little prizes? Ugh.

Eventually, we decided that we wanted to do a domestic adoption. After careful comsideration, we also decided we would want to do a closed adoption. For us, it was the right decision. We did not want a realtionship with birthparents. We again read the real research about open adoption vs. closed adoption. The agencies pimping out open adoption seek to sell it like it's the salvation of all that is wrong with the system - and it's far from that. Open adoption works for some - but for many it becomes a nightmare of navigating relationships with individuals and entire families the cannot negotiate boundaries. The research demonstrates that children are no better adjusted coming from closed adoptions as they are coming from open adoptions - its merely different.

The problem for us was that every agency we talked to told us that they prefered to do open adoptions, and that we would have a hard time "getting chosen" by a birthmom if we did not allow the process to be open. They said they would do it, but they also all looked at us like we were bad people - as opposed to people who had made a reasonable decision for who they were and how they wanted to structure their family. Immediately, we were made to feel like we were a bad couple from the get-go. In addition, we had "strikes against us" that would make us "less desirable" to potential birth mothers: I was divorced, we are an interracial couple, we are a little older than most first-time parents, I would not be a SAHM, a child would not have grandparents close by, the child would be in daycare, we are both overweight..." The list went on and on. Looking at portfolios put together by prospective adoptive parents made me gag - perfect little couples with perfect little houses, perfect little yards, and perfect little lives. This was absolutely not us. Neither of us wanted to be in a competition for a child - ever, ever, ever.

Do I even need to mention that with domestic adoption, you can have a child placed with you at birth and the birth mother can change her mind anytime within 30 days - and it's just over. Your money, your time, your emotional investment - just ripped away. We didn't believe we could knowingly risk that.

We wanted a child who needed us. We wanted something different than all that we had seen.

My mother, of all people, was the catalyst.

I had been fostering kittens for the Humane Society.

Mom said I should "quit dinkin' around and go get a human foster baby". She was half-joking, but when I returned to work, I googled "foster parenting in Kentucky". I called. I said I wanted to know how to become a foster parent. At that point, I knew you could adopt through foster care, but I didn't know what it would take.

Off we went to classes. I found out that adopting through foster care is FREE. Free? Did you say FREE? Yup.

If we were willing to adopt an older child, there were dozens of children waiting for homes.

If we wanted a baby, we would probably begin getting placements as soon as we were licensed.

The risk was huge, but the job had the ultimate reward - care for children who have no place to go until they can be reunited with their parents or family. If they cannot be reunited, you can choose to adopt them or allow another waiting family to adopt them.

There's no competition - there's more children in foster care who need to be adopted than there are people willing to adopt through the state.

We have actually TURNED DOWN more children than we have taken in (due to circumstances or already having a child in the house).

Now, long-time readers know we'd have a total of 4 other children come and go from our home before we got Cookie. After each one left, we both cried and grieved. Do we still feel the pain of their departures? Absolutely not. No. We miss Howard and Autumn sometimes and wonder where they are and hope they are thriving, but we feel no pain. We do, however, feel like we have done wonderful things. We feel like we are blessed to even have had the opportunity to serve the community in the way we have.

Choosing to adopt through foster care was the right decision for us. I'm not sure many people even consider it when looking to adopt. I think a lot of people still carry many of the misconceptions that we did: that foster parents are in poverty, looking for extra money (what a CROCK that is!!), lower socio-economic level, less educated, etc. Here, those things could not be farther from the truth. And this was the best part - everyone - everyone we ever met who wanted to adopt got to adopt eventually. And it never took much longer than it would have to do an international adoption anyway. Even foster parents who weren't even looking to adopt eventually found themselves faced with a child they had cared for who now needed adoptive parents - quite unexpectedly. The foster parents I have met - in real life and online - are some of the most fabulous people I could ever have been fortunate enoug to meet.

August 11 marked a year since we "graduated" from foster parent classes. Nest month, we will have been liscenced for a year. And we already are looking at adopting our first child. Wowzers.

Notice I say "first". Yup, we will probably do this all over again. Why? Well, Cookie needs a brother - and last month there were 10 more cocaine-addicted babies born in Fayette county just like Cookie. That's 10 that our social worker knew about and saw placed - there may have very well been more. Those 10 babies have about a 50% chance of being placed with relatives. They have almost no chance of being returned to the birthmom who would have to go through drug treatment and get clean for at least 6 months. That, apparently, is almost imposible when it comes to cocaine.

There's no lack of babies here in my city. There's a need for more families willing to adopt, in fact.

Those are just some of the reasons why adopting through foster care was right for us. It clearly isn't right for everyone. I do hope that more women and more couples would at least consider it as an option and see the many new families that have been formed.

There's so many more out there where Cookie came from. At last count there were over 600 children in foster care in our county alone. Only 50-75% will eventually be reunited with family. The rest will need people willing to adopt them. That's staggering, isn't it?

Great News!

2006-08-22T16:40:00.000-04:00

SW called this morning - to reschedule our home visit for the month and shift it to Thursday morning...AND to let me know that the Warning Lawyer has now been appointed! YES LORD!!

For those of you new to the situation, Biomom is AWOL. She left a drug treatment facility in June, and has not been seen since. This violates her probabtion BIG TIME. Biomom is a wanted woman. Whenever she is found - and she WILL be found (its just a matter of when) - she will be doing some time courtesy of the fine folks of the Commonwealth of Kentucky.

Since Biomom left before they could serve her with papers for TPR (Termination of Parental Rights), they have to follow due process and ask the court to appoint a Warning Lawyer to document the process that the porobation officer and the social workers have gone through to try to locate Biomom. (They are fairly convinced she has no gone into "hiding" and has pretty much just gone away.)

The Warning Lawyer was appointed on August 2nd (we didn't even know it had happened already) and will have either 60 or 90 days (SW wasn't positive, but thinks it is 60 days) to wait to then file paperwork with the court to say that they all tried hard to find Biomom to no avail. Then (THEN!) we will get a date for TPR. SW thinks we will be told the date sometime in October and get a TPR hearing date sometime in November.

Perhaps by her first birthday, Cookie will be free and clear and we will be able to transition to working with an adoption lawyer. That would be like another Christmas miracle.

I tell ya, this is the best news we could have gotten. Things are progressing like they should. SW even apologized for everything taking so long, but assured me that this case has moved about as fast as she's ever seen. I told her thanks, and that we did understand that this is all moving quickly compared to other situations out there. We really appreciate Cookie's worker - like I have written before, she's a no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is kind of woman - and she's a mom, and she "gets it". If I could have her as the kid's workers for all of my foster kids, I'd never hesitate to take more. She's amazing - and she digs our Cookie. We give her lots of pictures - she even told me over the phone that she needed some more because her boss stole one for her bulletin board because she thought it was so beautiful (what a lovely compliment!).

Thank you for your continued prayers. Life is good. God is good - all the time. We have been so blessed.

On a side note - I think you should know that the other Sunday Michael began writing out a check in church before the offering was taken up - and I was a bit confused because he always writes out our tithe check on the first Sunday of the month after we both get paid - and this was out of the routine. He leaned over at me and whispered that "he had forgotten to tithe on the money we get from the state for Cookie". I wasn't shocked, but I was surprised. He asked if that was okay, and I said "sure". I'm not even sure the amount would be that "significant", but it was the act of obedience that struck me. Michael is a man who actively seeks God's will - to the fullest. Tithing is something that he "just does" as a matter of course - and then he gives above and beyond whenever there is a special need of some kind. So, I imagine the check was for about $60 - no biggie, right?

Well, guess what - the Lord promises to give back to us abundantly, and that's exactly what happened. We couldn't put a pricetag on getting a Warning Lawyer appointed so quickly. But I can tell you, it's worth a lot more than our measly money.

That's my testimony today. Give God what's his - and in case you need reminding - that's EVERYTHING you've got.

On Christmas morning, 2005, we took our 5-day old baby girl to church and gave her back to the Lord. Since then, he has healed her and strengthed her and caused great things to happen in her life and in ours. We'd ask for more, but we can't imagine what that would be!

Happy 8 Month Birthday, Cookie!

2006-08-21T14:01:00.000-04:00

Sunday was Cookie's 8 month birthday, so to document the milestone, I figured I'd give this Baby Meme a try (thanks to Sara).

3 Things That Scare Me
That Joe guy that mommy works with
Realizing I'm all alone in my crib and no one is around
When I fall down and bump my head

3 People That Make Me Laugh
Daddy
Uncle David
Some of the old men at church

3 Things I Love
My touch n' feel book "Listen Peter Rabbit"
A warm bath, big fluffy white towel, and a warm post-bath bottle - ummm, ummm
Watching basketball with daddy

3 Things I Hate
People who think I should take a nap
Being overly tired
When mommy tells me "no" and moves my hand away from something I want

3 Things I Don’t Understand
Why the cat doesn't like it when I grab her fur
What these new hard white things are in my mouth that hurt
Why mommy and daddy insist on putting me in my crib (Don't they like sleeping with me? I like sleeping with them!)

3 Things On My Highchair
Crusted bits of sweet potato
A bib
A spoon

3 Things I’m Doing Right Now
Probably either crawling around the floor
Walking holding on to something
Babbling

3 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
Go to basketball camp with coach DeMoss
Have a sibling
Help mommy buy a convertible

3 Things I Can Do
Stand up holding onto something
Feed myself fruit puffs
Say "dada"

3 Things I Can't Do
Walk unassisted
Say "mama"
Sleep through the entire night

3 Ways to Describe My Personality
Curious
Social
Busy

3 Things I Think You Should Listen To
"We Want The Funk" - Daddy plays that when he changes my diaper
Me playing on my toy piano - I am so talented
The bee on my toy that makes the "Bzzzzzzzz" sound

3 Things I Think You Should Never Listen To
Mommy telling you "No" (she probably doesn't really mean it)
Bill O'Reilly
Conway Twitty (it can kill you)

3 Absolute Favorite Foods
Sweet potatoes
Carrots
Banana puffs

3 Things I’d Like to Learn
How to walk
How to catch the cat
How to eat grown-up food

3 Beverages I Drink Regulary
Nestle Good Start
Apple-White Grape Juice
Apple-Carrot Juice

3 Shows I Watch
Jeopardy
Basketball
Golf (if Tiger Woods is playing)

OK, everyone with kids is tagged - this is great lifebook material!

Cha-cha-cha Changes

2006-08-18T10:55:00.000-04:00

My husband used to be pretty certain about some things.

He used to be certain he didn't want children, certain he would remain single, and certain he would have specific kinds of successes in life.

He told me when we were dating that he wanted to be a "rock star" in his profession. He wanted to be that person who writes the quintessential theories and articles and books on a given subject. He wanted to be the person whom everyone comes to hear talk about his research. He wanted to be the first name that came to people's lips when they talked about research in his area of expertise. He wanted to be THE ultimate scholar. He was close to becoming that.

Then I came along.

I hated his work habits, and they way he lived his life like a hermit. I hated how he neglected me to the point of telling me I couldn't come visit him because he was "too busy" or "ovwewhelmed with work" or "had deadlines he was working on". There was always something. He neglected friends and his family. He went to movies alone, ate alone, and lived his life very much alone.

Yet, in all that he was beautiful. At times he was peaceful and calm, and relaxed just enough to enjoy some lovely moments. He was witty and brilliant, and kind when he could free himself up enough to live in-the-moment or invite others into his life for a bit. Interestingly enough, everyone liked him. Given a glimpse of him or even a brief conversation, people were drawn to him and spoke highly of him, his abilities, and his work. He is an award-winning scholar and an all-around "nice guy". He's the guy who doesn't drink, smoke, cuss, or do anything "bad".

One of the main reasons he ended our relationship (refusing to see me face-to-face for 6 months) was my desire to have children. It is still so painful to recall those conversations about children and family that I cry every time (as I am now). It was that horrific. Imagine having to verbally defend your desire to have children to the one person you believe to be your life partner, and having him speak about children as if they are the ultimate ruins of a satisfying and comfortable life. I felt like there was something wrong with me for wanting what I wanted - it wasn't what he said about me as much as it was what he said about other people we knew who had gotten married and had children. He spoke so badly of them - it was like he truly believed they had killed their careers and entered the Twilight Zone.

When Michael and I reunited, and when we got married, it was a compromise for him - a huge, overwhelming compromise. Even finding a date to get married was tough because it couldn't cut into his work schedule. We got married over Spring Break - he drove down from OH to GA, and together we drove to Mississippi to get married. We drove back, and he went back to OH and we both resumed our teaching for that semester.

From that point on, he said we could have children "if it was that important to me". He made it clear that he didn't want any, but that if it was important to me, it would be fine with him. Fine - it would be "fine". I hate the word "fine". To me, it means "it won't kill me".

Five months after we got married he finally agreed to let me get off birth control pills because we were finally living together in Kentucky. Five months after that I found out I had PCOS, and several months after that he found out about his low fertility as well.

It felt like he had won a prize, but in order to win that prize a little bit of me had to die.

I did foster care for the Humane Society and took in litters of kittens until they were old enough to be adopted.

It was my mom who suggested that we become foster parents to human babies instead of just kittens. I think she was half-teasing. I thought it was a great idea. I called the next day to find out how to do it.

Michael agreed to go to the classes with me "as long as there was no commitment". That was (sadly) good enough for me. He didn't say much in the classes, and many times seemed to resent being there. He made it a point to let me know how it cut into his writing time.

But in his defense, he did a lot of work to see to it that I got to be a foster parent. He cleaned out the front bedroom of our then-apartment. He helped set up the crib and made changes in his lifestyle that would accomodate being a parent.

And sometime between a year ago when we finished our foster parenting classes and now, things began to change. It wasn't a "whomp you upside the head" kind of change. If you hadn't been looking, you might not have seen it happening. But if you had known Michael and I before, and hadn't seen us in a while, you'd be amazed at the changes.

But when did it begin?

It might have begun doing respute care for a beautiful 3-yr. old little girl we called "Bumble Bee".

It might have been with the newborn baby boy who was our first placement - for 23 hours. It might have begun there in the hospital corridors as we were escorted by police and social workers to another area of the floor - away from the mother who was being arrested and led out of the hospital by police.

It might have begun when we got our first placement of siblings we thought could be permanent, and crying on the sofa together when they were sent to live with relatives 10 days later.

It might have begun last December 22nd when Cookie arrived in the arms of the social worker who told us the situation and that this newborn baby girl could quite possibly become our forever-daughter.

I remember the first time Michael fell asleep with a baby on his chest - a baby who stayed for 10 days and whom we both loved. This past weekend, I was sorting through baby clothes to sell and donate when I came across her little pumpkin onezie and booties that she wore on Haloween. Michael said it was "what our first Boo wore". It was sad.

As quickly as a baby arrived in our house, Michael was boiling water and sterilizing bottles, and cuddling with the kids. He was telling them he loved them, and meaning it. He was reading them bedtime stories, teaching them to wash their hands and count to 10, making sure they brushed their teeth, and saying prayers at night. Instead of working through the night, he was going to bed with me, taking kids to daycare in the mornings, and playing with them in the evenings. He was growing into a kinder, more tolerant, and more expressive person.

I did not grieve the departure of our first 4 foster children alone. He grieved their departure as much as I did, and had just as much difficulty hiding it publically as I did.

Michael's love for Cookie was clear right from the start. He did just as much work as I did - and he still does. He makes all of her bottles and loads the empties in the dishwasher. He plays with her, sings, dances, and talks with her. He takes her for walks in the stroller while I make dinner. He probably changes more diapers than I do, and feeds her just as often.

A few weeks ago, he purchased her an NFL jersey that has great meaning - it is an official jersey of a plater who shares our last name. So, here's the smallest 2T jersey we could find for her - with her future new last name on it. It's currently hanging up in her room. It wasn't even my idea.

When you see the pictures of Cookie, it's clear that she's a daddy's girl - all over him - laughing and dancing, and enjoying being in his presence. She knows he loves her all-out.

There's a wind of change I sense lately in our little family. It's as disturbing as it is comforting. That is, where do we want to go from here?

We moved here so Michael could be at a Research 1, grant powerhouse of a department. We moved here so we could both have a job at a university. We moved here for very different reasons than we are living out. And now, I am restless in my job - and my husband is looking at job postings. He's mentioning postings at schools that have no graduate programs, where publications and grants are less important.

He's saying that life is changing and priorities are changing. I never, ever thought anything or anyone could do that. I couldn't do that. Loving me, marrying me, and being with me didn't change him. My depression, crying, yelling, stomping around, threatening to leave...none of it did anything. I stopped all that. I had resigned myself to a life that wasn't at all what I'd wanted. I had chosen poorly...or so I thought.

Now it seems I'm getting more than I ever thought I wanted. It's mysterious and a little frightening. We just bought our house in January. Now, we might just leave this place a year from now if the cards fall that way. Now, he hasn't even applied for another job anywhere - but the deadlines are in November. By November, he will have either made a decision to stay here at least another year - or put himself on the marker again. That is a hard thing to wrap my brain around.

The implications for adoption? We've already asked. As long as TPR has happened, the workers are willing to process approval for us to move Cookie whereever we want to - as long as we would be willing to travel to get her here for mandatory monthly check-ins until the adoption is final. We'll do what it takes, but trust that we would never leave here if it meant leaving our daughter.

So many decisions we make anymore revolve around our lovely daughter.

That is a huge change, and neither of us seems to mind.

The Crib Saga Continues

2006-08-14T10:07:00.000-04:00

Well, we moved the crib back into our bedroom. In retrospect (and after talking to my mom), we decided that the move may have been a bit too traumatic and sudden for Cookie.

Since birth she had been sleeping between us in our bed (co-sleeping). It was great for her, and especially good for the time that we were dealing with withdrawl symptoms and the restless sleep patterns that many drug-exposed babies experience. The constant getting up and down wore us out.

As the months moved on, it became harder and harder to get her into the crib, and it became "easier" to just bring her to bed with us. She always fell asleep quickly snuggled up next to us, and she was down to waking up only once or twice in the night (until teething hit - which was another story entirely). I'll admit it, the intimacy that we have experienced as a family there is that king-sized bed has been amazing. We can all fall asleep hearing and smelling and feeling each other. There is no other experience like it in the world.

When we tried to move her out of our bed and into her crib AND into the nursery - all at the same time, it probably felt to her like her world was ending. She looked like her world was ending, and cried like it too. I imagine I could have put her in the backyard or in the car in the garage and she's have felt the same way. It thought about how I would have felt - having to get used to sleeping alone, in a different bed (with bars!), and then being put in a different room all alone. It was probably too sudden.

Michael volunteered (yes, I said volunteered) to move the crib back into our bedroom last night, and I then volunteered to take Cookie grocery shopping while he did that so he could have a bit of peace in the house (though his "peace" was most likely accompanied by ESPN).

We decided to take the transition to the crib one step at a time for Cookie's sake, and for ours. So, last night she slept in the crib in our bedroom - about 5 feet away from my side of the bed against the wall in the corner. We have an enormous bedroom (I think it's 14' x 30' with vaulted ceilings which was one reason I loved this house), so its not a space issue at all.

Our one mistake was keeping Cookie up too late last night because she got a little "wired" and cranky, but she was in her crib fast asleep from 11:00 to 4:30 - that's a half-hour longer than the record! Now, I didn't say that I slept that long because, well, married folks need together time too. Hehehehe. Bom chicka bom bom! TMI! TMI!

When Cookie woke up at 4:30, Michael popped right up out of bed, scooped her up and carried her downstairs and rocked her back to sleep before I even knew what was going on. It was very, very sweet of him - and he said she really didn't want a bottle and was back to sleep in about 15 minutes, though he stayed downstairs about 30 minutes total and watched some TV to make sure she was fast asleep - then he put her back in the crib, and she slept there until my alarm went off at 6:30, and which point I laid her in bed with Michael while I showered and got ready for work - thinking she would be up and about. Nope - she fell back asleep next to him and they slept until it was time to take me to work (my car's in the shop).

So, I think this may be the answer. Cookie needs to learn that the crib is where she sleeps. After that, moving it to another room will be the next logical transition. I don't mind her in our bedroom. I do mind her in our bed all the time. Once I realized the toll it had taken on our intimate life and sex life, I knew something had to change.

For the record, we both agree that co-sleeping worked for us. It was the best bonding experience, and the closeness and intimacy we have with Cookie is amazing. She knows how we feel, and is so comfortable and happy and confident. It was a great decision for us. If/when we have another baby placed with us, we will co-sleep again. It is right for who we are as a couple, and who we want to be as a family.

In other developments, I cried in church yesterday. The message was about God talking to us, and how to discern God's talk and will, and how to separate that from other messages. I've been feeling a push lately to put our names back on the list for placements for foster-to-adopt. I know that in our state, that really means taking in children for foster care and letting the cards fall where they may - there is never a guarantee that a child will stay. But I feel drawn to this - and it repeats and won't go away. But it feels insane - I mean, we are just now getting sleep, and we have a good schedule and a semi-clean house, and adoption is still up in the air in terms of time frame. How could we possibly do that? I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and I don't know if that means I am supposed to have faith that God will provide and only send us the children we are supposed to have at the right time and that He will provide for our needs. If I weren't a believer, I'd never do it - knowing that the state will "dump" as many kids on you as they possibly can. Ugh. We are coming up on the time of year when we see a "baby boom". More babies are born in September than any other month. Our social worker told us that last month, there were 10 cocaine-addicted babies placed in foster care that she knew of. Dang. Guess there would be no lack of children. But I need to feel certain about this before I approach my husband. My logic tells me to wait until the adoption is final - but if I wait until then, will I be willing to do it?

So, there's lots of fascinating things going on here. But maybe I'm just supposed to say...

C is for Cookie. That's good enough for me.

Long Lost Loves

2006-08-11T15:21:00.000-04:00

This post has absolutely nothing to do with being a fos*ter par*ent, or adop*tion - but I'm sure it will find its way in somehow:

I talked to an old ex-boyfriend the other day. I called him. He is going through a painful divorce. His wife had left him (and their two children) for another man while he was doing military cleanup efforts down in LA after Karina. Hard core. He had called my mom to tell her he was getting a divorce. My parents and gradparents had always been more of a family to him than his own was (while we were together, and for a while afterwards).

The last time I had even spoken to Rick was a tough conversation. It was right before he left for Desert Storm. We hadn't been together for quite some time, but I loved him. I loved him all out - down into my toes and all the way to the tips of my hair. He was beautiful - with curly red hair and freckles. He was a tight end on our high school football team. Being with him was exciting - he was older, more mature, and popular. Everyone liked Rick, and everyone knew me when I was with him. He was passionate, charasmatic, intelligent, clever, and funny. Rick was a force to be reconned with. Our fights were just as passionate. I suppose that was why the end was as traumatic for me as it was. That, and...

Rick was my first. *sigh*

There are those people we say "I will always love you" too, yet when it's over, so is the love. Not with me - not with Rick. I always missed him. I always loved him. I still do - differently, of course, but I still love him dearly.

He didn't respond to my letters and packages much during the war - I didn't expect it. But when I learned that he was getting married, I was crushed. We never spoke again - until about a month ago.

My mom (bless her heart) doesn't give out my information - any of it. When Rick called her, she pretty much told him I lived in KY, and when asked about marriage and kids, she was pretty tight lipped. But she did tell me that he had called and what was going on with him.

I was shocked. I didn't want my mom to know anything, so I scrounged the internet and found a phone number for him. I held onto it for day, afraid to call, afraid of saying the wrong thing.

One night, I couldn't rest and kept thinking about Rick, so after Michael and the baby were in bed, I wandered downstairs in the dark and called him.

He answered, and I knew it was him.

"Hi Rick. It's Tam. Tam Lastname. Mom told me you called, and I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know. I went through a divorce too.

"Tam. Oh my God. Tam. It's you. You sound so grown - you sound... You called. I'm so glad to hear from you."

And so it went for almost two hours. He told me the entire story, how it happened, how he felt, how the kids reacted and how they were doing now. We talked about Cookie, and how I couldn't have children. He said how sorry he was, and how awful that must have been to learn that. He said what a great mom I would make. We remembered some things, but nothing very imtimate. He sounded just as kind, just as passionate, just as lovely. It was nice to know that some people don't change much. I was glad he hadn't. He was nice just the way he was. I hear his wife looked a lot like me - everyone told me it was scary how much she looked like me.

I missed Rick a lot over the years. As folks would see him at various events over time, they'd tell me about it. I'd grin respectfully and sya nice things, and I'd be thankful I didn't have to be there to see him. Seeing him would have really hurt. He was my first love. I never really got over him.

Maybe I should have, and maybe not. Sometimes we are just meant to live with things. I think we are too quick to dismiss people and the impact they have on our lives, or on our hearts. I'm grateful for Rick. It is HIS kisses that I got to use as a standard (that few were ever able to exceed), it was HIS body that I came to know as lovely and wonderful. He admired me and saw me as beautiful and from then on I knew what that felt like. For a long time, he was a part of my life and a part of my family. Other men that would come into my life had a tough road. Rick set the stardard pretty high. I'm glad. I deserved a great man.

Thanks, Rick, for setting the bar so high.

Celebrating 5 Hours

2006-08-09T13:39:00.000-04:00

Five blissful hours of uninterrupted sleep
In my own bed
Air conditioner on full-blast
Freshly cleaned house
Full tummy
Cookie fast asleep IN HER CRIB - IN THE NURSERY
From 10pm-3am

Dear sweet Jesus, THANK YOU!

The housekeeper came late yesterday, so Michael met me at Chili's with Cookie at 6:30. I feasted on fajitas while Cookie polished off a jar of turkey and sweet potatoes before playing with/eating some shredded cheese from my plate. Cookie tried playing with the thick paper coasters that they use underneath your drinks, but with her bottom teeth coming in so well, she managed to bite the entire corner off of one - and I never did find it. I think it may be in her tummy. Guess we might soon find it in her diaper!

After we got home, I bathed the Cookie, and Michael fed her while she was still wrapped in just a big fluffy towel. He then took her upstairs and put her in her pink jammies with feet. After I cleaned up, I found the two of them on the floor of the livingroom pretend wrestling. Michael will lay on the floor and put the baby on top of him in various "holds" and act very dramatic in wrestling fashion and announce her the winner of the match. This time she was sitting on top of him and giggling, and she looked like a big pink cotton candy. (secretly, I feared when the crying would start...)

She crawled after the cat for a good amount of time, and played on her toy piano with much gusto. After quite some time, she began to get sleepy so I fed her the last bottle of the night and she fell asleep right at 9:00. Since she was alreayd asleep on top of me, we sat up and watched "Last Comic Standing", and then at 10:00 I took her upstairs and laid her in the crib. Wonder of wonders - she did not wake up. I kept my hand on her back until she found her favorite sleep position, and then I walked out. The peace was unreal. No screaming or crying - just silence.

I changed into my pyjamas and hopped into bed and Michael followed. He cuddled up close to me, and didn't "make a move", so I opted not to either. The bed felt so cool and crisp. I don't think I moved until 3:00 when I went into a coughing fit (damn sinuses/allergies!) which I am pretty sure woke up the baby in her room across the hallway. Interestingly enough, as I woke up coughing and looked at the clock, I was terrified. Holy cow! Is the baby okay? Is she breathing? Did Michael get up with her? How long did I sleep?

The sudden crying after my coughing fit told me she was fine, but I opted to go in and check on her anyway. As soon as she saw me, she sat up in the crib and reached for me. Well, I did what I felt like doing and scooped her up and took her to our bedroom to offer her a bottle which she sucked down pretty quickly and fell back asleep almost immediately. Not wanting to risk the peace, I laid her down between Michael and I and went right back to sleep until the alarm went off 3 hours later.

For the first time in a long time, I wasn't waking up miffed. I was relieved. It is a small step, but it is a meaningful one.

It's Hard

2006-08-08T15:54:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I cross over into blog-land and check in on my friends and those I'm praying for and think, "Is there an echo in here?"

For those of us who went about getting our children "the hard way", or who (like me) are still waiting to "technically" get their children "for keeps", it seems even harder to admit it when things just aren't so rosy. We feel guilty for complaining. After all, if we worked so hard for this child, and wanted them so very badly, then why do we feel down?

Because we're parents?

The strain of parenthood has seeped into my marriage. Before that, it seeped into my body. Geez, I've gained weight, gotten even darker circles under my eyes, lost all my fingernails, deepened a few wrinkles, and lost a lot of my "sparkle".

I've gotten my hair done again - wow - twice in a period of 3 months. That, friends, is a major accomplishment. But if I hadn't had a $250 gift certificate that was going to expire soon, I'd never have spent that kind of time and money on my hair. But ooooh, has it been worth it. I look more like my avatar and less like my picture now. Gone are the long dark brown locks (*sigh*, they were pretty) - but taking their place are highlighs of auburn and chestnut over dark auburn short layered hair. I am funky-mom!

But, this parenting thing is tough.

Cookie DESPISES being put in the crib, and sleep in our home just isn't happening. That child can scream and cry for hours. We have yet to discover her limits because by the time midnight rolls around and she is still waking up every half hour screaming, WE HAVE to get some sleep. So, we give in.

"Baby steps on the bus." (guess the movie)

Anyone ever tried "Baby Bliss Gripe Water"? They sell it at Wild Oats, and I'm fixin' to give it a whirl. It's supposed to help with everything from colic to gas to teething. If it can get me another hour of sleep, I'll pay just about anything.

Still no change in my love life. That disgusts me, but then again, so does looking at my sleeping husband who is snoring while I lay listening to the baby screaming in her crib in the nursery across the hall. That does not endear me to him. Honestly, he does not even LOOK attractive to me anymore.

I want to slap him.

At least I shall return home today to a clean house. The woman who cleans for us should be done around the time I get home. I tell ya, it's the best $80 I could spend. It soulds expensive, but you should see how messy I can be. You'd want more than $80.

Oh, in good news, my parents have actually set a date to meet the baby...in November. She will be 11 months old before they meet her.

Sad, really. They are just too scared that if they meet her, she will be returned to birth relatives. Fear makes us do (or not do) really stupid things.

Make That 2 Teeth!

2006-08-04T16:15:00.000-04:00

Well, the Cookie has two little teeth poking through her bottom gumline - cute and tiny and white and SHARP - yowzers - nobody warned me about these little razor-sharp things. The teething pain seems to have diminished for the time being, and it seems that the teeth have inspired her to make new sounds. Her two favorite are:

1) That "clicking" sound you make by putting your tongue on the roof of your mouth, forming a suction, and then breaking the suction forcefully by opening your mouth wider

1) BA BA BA BA BA BA BA

There is the occasional MAMA, which kind of slips in there between the BA BAs.

Last night she was chattering away during outr play-time, and I said, "Hey Cookie, what does the sheep say?"

Sure enough, she loudly proclaimed, "BA BA BA BA BA". That's my girl. Just be sure not to ask her what sound the cat makes, or you'll likely get the same answer. Still, my girl is smart. Hehehe.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Hopefully, either tonight or tomorrow I can get the crib moved and continue with Operation Get Cookie In The Crib.

Ah, my housecleaner returns on Tuesday. I think I love her. She cleans my bathroom. No one ever cleaned my bathroom besides my mom. Did I say I think I love her?

I shall try to get as much ish out of her way as possible - the more empty spaces and shelves she has, the more she can "deep clean". This time she's going to "detail" the Master Bedroom - meaning dust baseboards, etc. YES!

How I Did...

2006-08-02T10:50:00.000-04:00

Some success is still success, right?

Last night, I managed to:

Get home by 6
Play with Cookie
Make dinner
Talk to hubby a little about "issues"
Eat said dinner
Feed Cookie
Give Cookie medicine for stuffiness/teething
Bathe Cookie
Strip the crib of all accoutrements
Put clean crib bedding on
Get Cookie in said crib at 9:25
Get myself into bed by 9:45 - hot, sweaty, completely exhausted, and a bit angry

I didn't manage to:

Rearrange nursery to accomodate the crib
Get crib taken apart to get through the door and into the nursery
Get Cookie to sleep in the crib for longer than 2 hours

What went wrong:

By the time I finished doing everything I needed to do last night, Cookie had fallen asleep sitting up leaning against my husband who was lying in bed watching me strip the crib. I have gotten advice from other parents that you need to put the baby in the bed before she is completely asleep. Didn't happen last night - she was so racked out, she didn't move. I was grateful, but once I get her in the bed, I couldn't fall asleep because I was so wound up, angry at my husband for not having anything to say except "Is this about sex? If it's about sex, we can have more sex." Geez freakin' Louise. He's so smart, such a brilliant researcher and writer, but sometimes he seems clueless. I tried to explain that while technically yes, it was about sex, that it was about much more than just the mere act. It fell on deaf ears, I'm afraid. But we've had this talk so many times before and after marriage, that I'm just sick of having it. It cycles - I get upset enough about lack thereof, and I bring it up because I can't keep it inside any longer. I talk, cry, recover - he sits there - we eventually have some sex, then we don't, then it starts all over again. Same old story.

I also hadn't gotten the crib moved into the nursery - big mistake as then the crib is 5 feet away from our bed. And my Cookie can holler (she is from Kentucky after all).

So, I went to bed at 9:45 and frankly could have used the sleep, but it never happened. At 11:15, Cookie woke up screaming and crying. I laid in bed. Hubby never moved, and was snoring. 11:30 - still screaming and crying. I get up, comfort Cookie and pat her, slide her away from the bars where she has wedged herself in a corner with arms sticking through the bars and legs up under her. Cookie hollers worse, but I cover her and return to the bed. At ll:45 she is still going - stronger than ever. Hubby is still snoring. I finally pick her up and feed her a bottle and she falls asleep, but as soon as I put her down, she resumes screaming. The next time I go to the crib, she scrambles to her knees and literally claws at my arms to pick her up like she is drowning. Guess what? I gave in. Looking at the clock saying midnight and your husband sleeping clueless next to you - and you give in. I laid her beside me and she fell asleep amidst sobs. I shoved Michael awake because I had to pee and didn't want her to fall out of bed. He offered to "take her downstairs". A lot of good that would have done!

I must have fallen asleep around 1 because that's the last time I recall looking at the clock before Cookie woke up screaming next to me at 5:00. I fed her breakfast, and she fell back asleep. I laid in bed until the alarm went off, and went about getting ready for work - while hubby continued to sleep peacefully in the bed. By the time I left at 8 (very, very late for work), he had just gotten out of the bed. Lovely. Must be nice.

I am so, so tired today. Perhaps I should have tried to start this on a Friday night so I didn't have to get up at 6 the next morning. I so appreciate all of your support and encouragement - if you read through my comments of the last post, you can go to Andrew's post on the 5 Minute Method. I'm going to try that one - it seems to be the most sane for both parents and baby.

What Went Right:

Gosh, I didn't mean for this blog to take such a "downer" turn - but I am glad that my friends and readers have granted me "permission" to be honest. There are such joys, but we cannot overlook the very difficult and brush it aside and pretend we aren't struggling when we truly are. So, yup, I'm struggling - and praying, and talking (and writing) it out.

I am proud of myself for staying calm, not cussing at my husband or getting overly weepy (though tears did come when I tried to talk to him).

I stayed calm and loving with Cookie. I'm sure she probably sensed somehow that Mommy was not completely well and happy, but I followed through on the routine that I have come to know is so important.

I showered this morning (even shaved my legs), put on cool and comfortable cotton clothes, and thanked God that today my boss is working at home.

I blogged - which means I followed through on another promise, I get a sense of catharsis, and I get to connect with those of you who are going through this as well, who have gone before, or are going there in the near future.

Tonight I will give the crib-moving another shot, and if you stick with me, I'll continue to update my progress of growing into this motherhood role.

Tonight I Am Going To...

2006-08-01T13:59:00.000-04:00

1) Rearrange Cookie's room so that there is room to...
2) Move the crib out of our master bedroom into the nursery (where it has never been before)
3) Remove crib bumber and mobile for safety reasons
4) Lower crib mattress now that Cookie can pull herself up to standing
5) Put pillows on the floor in front of the crib "just in case" Cookie learns a new skill in the middle of the night
6) Put Cookie in the crib no later than 9:00
7)Talk to the husband about "relational matters"

Numbers 1-6 worry me less than #7. I'm going to admit a few things here for a few reasons: 1) catharsis, and 2) maybe it will help someone fell less "odd" or "alone". So, consider yourself warned that I might break into pretty frank talk about S-E-X.

My husband has never been a real huge fan of physical intimacy. Guess when you get preached at about the evils of premarital sex, and you don't get married until you are 32, you learn not to want it so much. Add in his love of isolation, work, late nights working and writing and watching sports and you have a guy who can really "take it or leave it". Through the course of our relationship nothing has inherently changed, though he has compromised in many ways in order to please me. That makes sense - you can't ask someone to feel differently, though you can ask someone to alter their behavior. He gets enough intimacy by sitting on the sofa with me, eating dinner together, and sleeping in the same bed (even with a baby between us). Those are lovely forms of intimacy, but I crave other forms that are of a more sexual nature. I think most women would.

It has been almost a month since I/we were physically intimate. There have been plenty of times we've gone that long before we had a baby in the house. Having Cookie has just given him/us a good "excuse". Don't get me wrong, it's a damn good excuse. We both work full-time (though he has far more flexibility being a professor/researcher than I do being an 8-5er). By the time we pick Cookie up from daycare and make it home, it's close to 6:00 and we are tired and hungry. After feeding her and ourselves and watching the news and Jeopardy for some "down time", we are both exhausted. There are plenty of nights where sex is the furthest thing from my mind.

Lisa's comment about infertility is also so true - when our sex life revolved around "trying to conceive", I made more of an attempt to have said sex life. Once we gave up trying to conceive, I gave up trying to have sex. There was nobody there to make sure it happened anymore. I used to use a digital fertility monitor and pee sticks that you stuck in the monitor to keep track of when you might be fertile. If it showed a change in hormone levels, I was quick to attempt to woo my husband away from the television. Now, the fertility monitor and the boxes of pee sticks collect dust in the top of my bathroom closet (know anyone who wants to buy them??). And my Frederick's of Hollywood gear collects dust in the bottom dresser drawer (yes, they sell plus sizes).

(Do any of you ever feel resentment when you are the ones who always have to fix the relationship when its gone awry? Do you ever feel like you're the only one who cares? Are you the one who always brings up a problem?)

Becoming foster parents didn't kill our sex life. Heck, becoming parents didn't kill it. Not having two people who both valued it enough NOT to let it die killed it. Sure, becoming foster parents put a strain on our relationship - via our time, resources, energy, and mental health. Not knowing if the child who you call yours will remain yours is the most stressful thing I have ever experienced.

Becoming a mom added a lot to my life - but it is no substitute for an intimate marriage. My husband and I are gifted at navigating the every day, ordinary stuff of life. We figure out home and car maintenance, what we are going to eat, how we are going to spend our free time, and how errands will get run. What we've never been skilled at is the physical intimacy thing.

What's especially sad is how much I LOVE it. I had hoped to find a partner who would, too. There are many, many times when I realize that I got everything BUT that.

(What if you could get absolutely everything you ever wanted in a partner - except physical intimacy? Would that be enough for you? Would you celebrate all the things you have, or mourn the one thing you don't?)

In some ways, I feel guilty for complaining. But I can't stop feeling like HE should have taken more responsibility here for this part of our relationship. But I hear our former marriage counselor telling me that he never will feel the way about it that I want him to - and am I willing to stay with him knowing that. That has always been a hard truth for me.

Becoming parents has not been all roses and cuddles and laughs. It has been tremendously stressful too. The cost of diapers, wipes, and baby food alone will kill you. Teething will kill you. 8 or more poopy diapers in one day will kill you. Whining and endless crying will kill you. Going to the trouble of getting the baby in the high chair, strapped in, bib on her, baby food jar and spoon - and siting down only to have the baby refuse to open her mouth and then start whining and crying - will kill you. Add to it the knowledge that legally this child is not yours - oh yeah, over the edge you go.

We do laugh, and tell each other we love each other. We truly do. We are just vastly different. We've just put so much effort into being great parents that we have neglected being good partners. That just can't go on much longer.

Thanks for your advice and discussion - it has motivated me to tackle my above "list" tonight. Guess in the morning I'll be posting on how long she cries before she falls asleep and how many times she wakes up. Sweet mercy.

Open for Advice/Discussion: Getting Your Sex Life Back

2006-07-31T14:48:00.000-04:00

I'll be brief.

Let's just assume that someone you know can't seem to get their sex life back after having a baby placed with them for foster care. Let's assume the baby is now 7 months old. Let's assume the baby will NOT sleep in the crib, or sleep through the night. Let's assume baby is now teething and cranky.

How do you manage to have a healthy sex life with a baby?

Please help!

July Meeting w/ Cookie's SW

2006-07-27T14:15:00.000-04:00

This morning R. came by and we chatted briefly. Unfortunatley, there is little to report. But, here's the update:

Biomom is still AWOL. When/if she is ever found, she will be arrested for violating her probation.

Biodad is still sitting pretty enjoying the next nine years behind bars courtesy of the taxpayers of the state of KY. He has not asked for a lawyer to appeal the upcoming TPR.

No court date - because the courts can't assign a date for a TPR hearing when they are unable to serve Biomom. Great. So, because she is still AWOL, the next step is that a special investigator is appointed by the court to document that attempts were made to try to find her. The wait once that happens: another 60 days. At that point, special investigator can file a motion with the court to go ahead with the TPR. There is nothing R. can do except wait for the courts and "the system" to run its course. Which means, there is nothing we can do except wait as well...and pray.

So, this is our new prayer:

Please pray with us that Biomom is found and arrested and sent back to jail.

That sounds harsh, but the longer it takes for her to be found, the more cocaine she can use. The more she uses, the more likely she is to overdose - and possibly die. If you read about cocaine, you learn that overdoses happen because the body gets "used" to the drug, and more and more is needed. But on occasion, the body can shift and suddenly become "resensitized" - and if that happens, the results can be fatal.

We don't want Biomom to die a junkie. I don't want to ever have to tell my daugher that her birth mom killed hersef shooting up. I want her life to be saved. I want a miracle for her. I want healing.

If Biomom is found and taken back to jail, the courts can move forward with TPR. This is the best case all around. If she is never found, not only will it take as much as 6 months to a year longer for us to adopt Cookie, Biomom is more at risk of dying, or getting pregnant again.

I almost got upset this morning when R. left. I felt let down. It felt like everything had come to a stand-still. I hate not making progress - moving forward. Ugh.

Mh husband said it best: "She's not going anywhere, Tam. She's ours. This doesn't change that."

I know, I have to keep my faith. So much of this is a "done deal". We are very fortunate. We have a lovely daughter who is healthy and happy (when her new emerging teeth aren't making her mad), who learns so fast, and is loved by so many.

In other news, Cookie is now crawling over to the sofa and climbing up to a standing position all by herself now. It is fabulous and scary.

On the teething front, I tried the teething tablets, and nothing changed. She sounded so congested and was coughing, so Michael went ahead and took her to the pediatrician. We figured it was best - and it's not like it costs us anything anyway - better to be proactive we figure. I'll report tomorrow if there's anything other than teething to report. I imagine the doctor will tell us we're worrying too much - but you never know. Ear infections have picked up at daycare - that's one we don't want to re-visit again - been there, done that - not fun either.

On the mental health front, I'm hanging in there. You all - I gotta tell ya, it was absolutely wonderful to get all of you r encouraging notes and comments - it truly does make a difference to know you're not alone, not going crazy - and that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. So often, we try to be all things to all people, and drive ourselves crazy. We can't. There's no way.

So, I spent the best $80 I have ever spent in my life and hired someone to do housecleaning for me. When I got home from work on Tuesday, it was near spotless. We still have stacks of things to put away, but the cleanliness was a powerful lifesaver. I highly recommend it. It was like I was somehow cleansed too - and I was so inspired that I cleaned off the island in the kitchen as well as the baker's rack, and I have now taken pictures of about 50 pieces of baby clothes to either ebay or cheapcycle. In 2 more weeks, my angel of a housekeeper will return and do it all again. I hope she never leaves. I am in love already. I wish I hadn't waited so long. On a funny note, hubby's bathroom was so clean, it did not smell like funky-guy. She had even cleaned the soap dishes and ceramic liquid hand-soap dispensers so they sparkled. Wowzers. Worth every penny.

We have to protect our sanity - we parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, and parents-to-be. If we don't, we aren't doing anyone any good - we may THINK we are, but we aren't.

Oh, and I got a call for an interview for another job. It made me feel fabulous. One day I am going to hand in my 1-month notice here. It will feel great. Until then, I am fantasizing about it.

On The Edge

2006-07-25T10:42:00.000-04:00

Before you read further, please know I love this little girl - I do. I don't wish her gone for anything in the world. But sometimes it is hard. This is one of those times. It's worth noting that this is not all sunshine and roses, fireworks, and pink flamingos.

Last night I came home from another day of "torrential rains and wind" at the office. My brother-in-law is in town, and has been here since Saturday. His presence is actually very nice - he's a calm person who doens't get bent out of shape easily, and he seems to like me (who wouldn't like that?).

Cookie had a pretty bad day at day care. They can't give her Tylenol Cold for babies without a doctor's letter, so they had to call Michael to come give it to her. By the time I got home, her eyes were puffy and she looked pasty white. Her linbs were cold, and she had some remnants of a green vegetable crusted in one eyebrow. Her nose was red and runny, and she looked sad and tired. She was whining and crying, and not her usual self. I tried to hold her, but the fussiness was overwhelming by 6:30.

I decided to do the evening meal and bathtime 1 hour earlier. I put her in her highchair and tried to feed her some sweet potatoes and turkey (one of her favorites). It was a struggle to get 1/2 of the jar into her before the crying started back up again. Then, I undressed a crying child and with her in one arm, I got the baby tub into the sink, filled it, and stuck her into it. By this time, the hubby had gotten up off the sofa from watching TV in the next room to come over and kiss my cheek and say "I love you." This would normally be nice, but it pissed me off. I need some help, not sentiment. Sorry, it sounds demanding, but honestly, that was not the time to be touchy-feely. Pitch in and get some work done, then I'll feel loved. But he and his brother were doing what they do best - sitting and watching Sports Center on ESPN and alternating flipping between other odd things that guys watch.

Cookie's contentment with the bath didn't last long, and I asked hubby to go get me a full-fized towel from upstairs as the baby-towels just aren't cutting it these days. He got her wrapped up and tried to sit on the sofa with naked baby in a towel, but she protested and he took her upstairs to dress her.

I sat in the rocking chair in the livingroom and he brought her back downstairs to me all clean. I fed her a bottle, and she seemed okay, but as soon as she was done eating, the crying resumed. We gave her more medicine - still no relief. Her nose was running so much and she would sneeze and vast amounts of snot would fly everywhere - yet she refused to let me wipe her nose, thrashing about like I was trying to strangle her. My BIL tried to hold her, hubby tried to hold her, but nothing really worked.

All this time, I have gotten out frames and pictures and her lifebook to try to get some work done on it in time for our monthly visit with the social worker at the end of the month. I wasn't feeling it, but it needed to get done, and when the heck was I suposed to do it? Working in the cramped and messy livingroom with 2 other people and a fussy baby was more than I could take, so I gave the baby to hubby and went into the kitchen to make a late dinner.

I cooked up lots of spagetti and meat sauce with fresh mushrooms and onion, and it smelled great. But by the time I finished cooking, my feet hurt so bad and I was exhausted. I took crying baby upstairs to lie down in the bed with her so maybe she would sleep. It did not work. I sang to her, I petted her head and back - but all she did was cry and try to climb over top of me to get out of bed. She flailed her arms and legs, smacking me for all she was worth. Tears and saliva and mucus were flying everywhere along with whatever formula I tried to get her to drink. It was an awful fight.

I had to pee, so I put her in her crib and raised the bar. I sat in the bathroom and heard her scream at the top of her lungs. I finished my business and continued to sit on the commode while she screamed. Hubby apparently didn't think to come upstairs to see if maybe something was wrong. I finally came out and scooped her up and held her, and she fell asleep in my arms - or so I thought. Upon placing her in bed, she resumed crying and thrashing. I wrapped her in a soft blanket, and waited and waited and waited and finally she cried herself out and put her head down and fell asleep. I didn't want to risk disturbing her by putting her in the crib, so I placed pillows all around her and on the floor beside the bed just in case she rolled off.

By the time I staggered downstairs, the food I had cooked was cold, but at least hubby and BIL had gotten a chance to eat. My patience was gone, but I pasted on a smile, got a plate, and ate amicably in the livingroom while the two guys watched TV. When I was finished, I reminded hubby that the new cleaning lady was coming tomorrow and he needed to pick up in order for her to be able to clean. He said he would to it "later on tonight". Fine. I went upstairs and crawled into bed with the now-sleeping baby. The time was - 11:30. At 1:30 or so, hubby finally comes upstairs to bed. By 2:30, baby woke up screaming and crying again. He attempts to feed her, but tries to do so while still lying down, and it only makes the baby more mad - so I take over. She screams and screams.

Finally, at 3am, I grab the Ora-Gel swabs. She hates them - loathes them. But I was desperate. Hubby snored through all of this. I struggled to even get her mouth open, and I feared I was hurting her. My head was pounding and I longed for peace. She kicked and flailed and arched her back so hard she was hurting me. Finally I was able to pry her mouth open and swab her mouth and she screamed harder than she does when she gets her shots. It was awful. Hubby, who had been sleeping 1 ft. away finally woke up and asked if I wanted him to take her downstairs. My reply, "I'm awake NOW!". That was the truth. I wake up every morning at 6:15. I leave every morning at 7:45. 9 times out of ten he is fast asleep in bed with the baby when I leave. Most often he never even acknowledges me in the mornings. That's just how it is. Sometimes I even feed and change her while he sleeps in, and I lay her back down in bed next to him. Must be nice.

So, I have swabbed the baby's mouth, hubby has rolled back over to go to sleep. I sat in the bed, stairing straight ahead and cradling a screaming baby in my arms. The screaming would subside, then return, subside, then return. She refuses a bottle. It is awful. I stared straight ahead into the darkness outside. I thought about getting in the car and going for a drive in the dark - alone. I wanted to be alone so badly. I wanted the crying to stop.

I thought about birth parents there in the dark - and how I understood how easy it would be for someone with less control, less education, and fewer resources - to...well, go over the edge. How quickly a birth parent must react and hit a baby, or shake a baby in frustration. How quickly it must happen. For a moment, a voice in my head told me to get away. I didn't fear hurting her, but I feared in general. I feared what this was doing to me. So, I stood up, scooped her up, and set her in her crib - still screaming. I placed her on her back and walked away. I ran into the bathroom, turned in a little light and the fan, and sat on the commode with my pants down - as if to use said commode. But I didn't have to go. I just sat there. And I cried. I sobbed and sobbed there in the dimlly-lit bathroom with only the shower light and the moonlight beaming through the window over the toilet. The fan could not drown out the screaming, but it helped blurr it into a fuzzy shrill screeching.

I said in a frantic whisper to God, "This child isn't even mine! Why must I have to endure this for someone else's child?"

Injustice is my weakness. When I am tired and weak, I smell injustices like a Bloodhound tracking a criminal.

I do not know how long I sat on the commode sobbing. I do know that everything hurt. I did not worry about the baby. I did not worry about the hubby. I worried about me. I felt myself cross over the edge a bit too much, and I was worried.

Finally, I heard only the hum of the bathroom fan. I got up and washed my hands and turned out the light and ventured back into the bedroom. Hubby was asleep on his back with a sleeping baby on top of him. I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to stop crying. Hubby asked if I was okay, and I refused to answer.

I know I fell asleep sometime because at 6:15 the alarm went off. I laid there for an hour before finally getting up to get dressed for work. I was half an hour late. I look pretty wiped out. I don't want to do anything. I just want some silence.

Some woman is supposed to come to the house today to clean. The problem is, I have no idea how she can clean well with so much crap all over the floors and counters - its just everywhere - our crap, baby crap. Its endless. I am hoping that hiring someone to clean will take away some of my stress. I wish there was some way I could do the same with work.

15 minutes 'til lunch break. I leave early to go to the dentist today (after a 2 hour meeting). Good Lord, all this and the dentist too. Maybe I could just have a root canal.

So THAT'S What "Cutting a Tooth" Means

2006-07-24T16:34:00.000-04:00

You know how you think you've experienced something, and yet once you experience the real thing you decide you had actually NEVER experienced it at all?

For example, I thought I had seen snow when I lived in Memphis, TN. THEN I moved to Denver, CO. Nope, I had never actually seen snow.

I had thought I had made love before. THEN I met my husband. Nope, I had never actually made love before.

Well, there have been times when I thought Cookie was teething. THEN the weekend came. Nope, I had never actually seen teething.

Sweet mercy, we have a tooth poking through. Two teeny sharp points are sticking up through her bottom gum-line, and it looks like it is cut.

Oh, did I mention she is MAD? Did I mention the tears? Did I mention the irritability? Did I mention I have not really slept in two nights?

Did I mention she is MAD? :)

I am learning, Dear Lord, I am learning. Give me the strength to survive Cookie's teeth coming in. THIS is a challenge. THIS is what being a parent is. NOBODY can prepare you for this.

I did find something that worked a bit:

On the way home from an arena football game we stopped at Dairy Queen and I got a vanilla ice cream cone - plain old vanilla. Cookie was crying, as the game no longer served to distract her AND she was in her car seat AND she hurt - the hat trick of baby pain. So I offered her my ice cream cone. Rosebud lips surrounded as much ice cream as possible and my baby girl had white ice cream moustache and goatee, but she was happy. The cool sweet creamy goodness was too much - she begged for more and more. Dairy Queen is the best medicine. I knew it all along, I really did. I've known it for years, really.

A Happy Cookie

2006-07-21T11:49:00.000-04:00

Ok, ya'll - this is the face of joy. Cookie loves to stand up (with a little help) so much - check out the "shout of joy" to the right. This is the look we now get all the time.

Oh, and check out an exhausted daddy racked out behind her in the picture above. This job is hard work!

Happy 7 Month Birthday, Sugar Cookie!

2006-07-20T15:30:00.000-04:00

Well, my Cookie, you are 7 months old today!

Your current nicknames are: Boo (that's what your daddy calls you), Cookie (mommy's nickname for you), and S'muffin (what your Gramma on daddy's side calls you). The "new" name we chose for you (and do call you) is Mia Elizabeth. Most of the time I call you "Mia Cookie". You seem to like that.

You are wearing clothes for a 9 month old now, and some outfits for a 12 month old. You don't miss meals, and you love sitting in your high chair and making "artwork" on the tray with your fingers and little splatters of sweet potato or carrot.

As for food, you haven't yet figured out the pincer grasp, but you do like playing with tiny bits of food, and sometimes you do manage to get things into your mouth using your fist. You really enjoyed making a soggy mess out of a Biter Biscuit cookie the other day. It was fun to watch you suck and gnaw on it until it was soggy and sticky. I had to give you a bath afterwards because the brown pasty cookie goo had hardened all over your face and arms like plaster.

You still don't sleep through the night, but your mommy and daddy might be to blame for that. When you wake up wet or stinky, we change you. And when you're hungry or thirsty, we give you a warm bottle. You still get to sleep between us in the bed. Sometimes I wonder if you like us, or the high thread-count sheets and Ralph Lauren comforter. We pray for the day you will sleep in your own bed and sleep through the night.

You are crawling so fast now, and are learning how to use your hands to pull yourself up onto things. Your favorite thing to crawl on and climb is your daddy. If he is sitting on the floor or lying on the bed, you have to go over to him and pull yourself up so you are "standing" next to him and supporting yourself by holding on to his tummy or shoulders. You do it to me sometimes, but I think daddy makes a better mountain.

Your favorite toys are books, and your little piano table that makes noises and tells stories. You love things that make noise, and you love slapping the big piano keys that light up and make sounds. You also love your rubber duckies and plastic fishies, though you still like chewing on them more than floating them. You have now learned how to pull yourself up to a standing/squating position in your bathtub, so soon we will have to retire the baby bathtub.

You still don't have any teeth, and no signs of them either - I wonder when they will come in? Hopefully, it won't be too painful for you (or traumatic for us).

It's been 5 months now since you've seen your Birthmom. I wonder sometimes if she looks like you, or looked like you when she was a baby. I will try to get you pictures, but it will be very, very difficult. I may never be able to get anything for you related to your birth parents. I'm sorry they have so many problems. I'm glad your mom chose to give birth to you, and I'm glad you were healthy.

Your daddy and I love you so much, and we love singing to you, and playing, and talking with you. We can't imagine life without you, and its hard to remember what our life was like without you in it.

On this day, your 7 month birthday, we are still waiting for a court date where the judge will decide if your birth parents will get any more chances. We think that date will probably be in September. If that happens, we will move forward on plans to adopt you. In a way, I'm glad you won't remember any of this - visits with social workers, your daddy and I talking about "what ifs", and the times I stress about how long it all takes. We pray the court date comes soon, because you deserve a permanent family and a life that doesn't have to be inspected by social workers every month.

We love you, Mia Elizabeth. We are so blessed to have you as our daughter.

My Little UK Fan

2006-07-17T10:35:00.000-04:00

I have to post this - otherwise, I might explode. You understand.

Lifebook Entry: Cookie's Favorite Things

2006-07-12T15:27:00.000-04:00

This Little Piggy:
I play this game with her most every day, and from the first time, she loved it. As I start with "This little piggie went to market", I take her pinky toe between my thumb and forefinger, and she looks at it, and then up at me and smiles. With the second piggie staying home, she does the same. Then magic happens. For some reason, when I get to "This little piggie had roast beef", I put lots of happy empahsis on the words roast beef, like that is the most marvelous thing ever. I mean, who isn't excited about roast beef? Well, it is on the words "roast beef" that she looks up at me and starts grinning and then laughing. Maybe it's my inflection, or maybe roast beef is just plain funny. Either way, it's fascinating to watch her anticipate what's about to happen with the piggies.

You Are My Sunshine:
Apparently this song is aural Nytol for Cookie. If she's slightly fussy, or trying desperately to find her "sweet spot" in the bed, one or two rounds of the song "You Are My Sunshine" and her head hits the bed or my shoulder and she is out like a light. Plus, the end of the song has always been bitter-sweet for me: "please don't take my sunshine away".

Bathtub Duckies:
I had a set of rubber duckies that my mom had bought for me (yes, as an adult). It is a big momma/daddy duck (I cannot tell duck-gender) and 3 little baby duckies. Cookie loves having these in the tub and I take them and make them slide down the incline on her baby tub now that she sits in the "big kid" side sitting up and the incline is in front of her. The other night, she was able to get one baby duck head into her mouth and one in each fist while splashing the water. What a sight she was. I think she was just thrilled that she was able to hold all three at once.

Puffy:
Puffy is either a stuffed dinosaur or a dragon - we can't really tell. But he is cute and very soft and cuddly - a Baby Gund I think. He is also multi-colored, and apparently rather tasty. I named him Puffy because of Puff the Magic Dragon - then it was Puff Diddy, and then just Puffy. Cookie loves Puffy - it was her first stuffed animal - given to us by Julie at church one Sunday. To this day, Puffy is quite comforting. Cookie likes to chew on his snout.

Daddy's Laptop:
Nope, this isn't the name of a new kids's toy, but I swear if I had the know-how, I'd design and market one and make a killing. See, whenever Michael has his laptop on in bed, Cookie has to be right there. She will crawl over anything in order to get right under Michael's arm so she can "rake" at the keys on the keyboard and put her hands on the screen. If he tries to stop her, she whines - loudly. I had tried to distract her with toys, books, or anything else I can think of - but all she wants is to play with the laptop. She has good taste - it is a large screen Dell, after all.

Pizza Crust:
I'm not going to win "Mommy of the Year" with this admission. I'm bound to get emails warning me about nutrition as well as choking hazzards. But I promise, I'm in control here people. See, we like pizza from a place in town called "Brooklyn Pizza. It is darn good thin crust. The first time we had it since having Cookie here, she grabbed it out of my hand and crammed it into her mouth. Despite having marinara in her mouth, she thought it was rather tasty. Now, when we have it, she looks forward to getting the crust to chew on like a biter (teething) biscuit. Cookie has no teeth, but the girl sure can make short work of a pizza crust. The other night I gave her a pretty long piece of crust, and she chewed and chewed and sucked on it until it was good and soggy, and while she was sitting on my lap she managed to polish off half of that piece of crust. Apparently, we have a young Brooklyn Pizza fan on our hands.

More to come...

Trials

2006-07-12T13:51:00.000-04:00

James 2:1 says,

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

This is one of the best descriptions of that passage I've seen:

http://spiritualoasis.wordpress.com/2006/06/30/when-what-we-know-really-matters/

If you are going through a trial right now, I invite you to take a look. It helped me today.

And please stop by Dad's Highway, and say a prayer for Jeremy and Nicole, and Anna who are going through hell right now after the lies of others took their foster son away - after he had been with them since birth - for the first year of his life.

Our prayers are with you, friends. How you will find joy in this, I do not know. Fall upon Him. Trust that joy WILL come in the morning. I am so sorry.

Best Weekend Ever

2006-07-11T11:29:00.000-04:00

This weekend we used respite care for the first time, and took off for a romantic weekend in Atlanta.

Since I am a pimp-ette, I managed to get us a suite on Priceline for $55 a night. The suite was remodeled, with a king bed with all down bedding and a big TV in the wall (bedroom sectioned off with pretty double french doors), a stand-up marble shower separate from the tub area, and a big livingroom with a flat screen TV, sofa, desk, hs internet, and ergonomic office chair, bar area with sink, fridge, microwave - just lovely all around. We put the room to good use, and discovered that we are still quite fond of each other.

We had Chinese takeout in the room on the first night, and lunch at the Cheesecake factory the next day.

Sunday night was a Jamie Cullum concert in beautiful Chastain Park Ampitheatre. If you like jazz/funk and great piano, or Harry Conick, Jr. - check out Jamie Cullum. Start with Twentysomething before you buy the latest Catching Tales. He's absolutely phenomenal. Sexy - voice, instrumentals, and all.

Post-concert we watched TV in our sumptuous hotel room and snacked on popcorn and other assorted junk food before crashing for the night.

Before bed, Michael told me that he had been trying not to say something all weekend, but that he missed his Boo (his nickname for Cookie). I said I had missed her too. We loved getting re-acquainted with each other on a grown-up and intimate level, but we really did want to get back home and cuddle in bed with our baby girl.

It was a fabulous weekend. I am ever so glad we took it. I had several moments during this past weekend that confirmed to me that Michael and I would be together for a very long time. You might ask, "Didn't you know that when you got married?" Sadly, I wasn't so sure. He wasn't either. His fear and my insecurities were enough to destroy even the best intentions. It's funny - we've both gained a lot of weight in these past 2 years, and we are more tired and look more than two years older, but we find each other incredibly sexy - alluring even. And we enjoyed conversation about everything under the sun - except the baby and foster care and adoption. We talked about politics, the illegal immigration problem, jobs and careers, what we wanted to do with parts of the house, future trips we might take, and things we'd like to do in the future. We did not argue or fight, and neither of us sulked. It was wonderful.

Cookie did well without us - and her respite care foster-mom said she even slept through the night (WT...??). Cookie was thrilled to see us yesterday when we walked into her daycare room to pick her up. We got big huge grins and baby-hugs, and gave her lots of kisses.

We presented her with the gifts we bought her at the ESPN zone - two outfits - one says "I watch ESPN with my daddy" and the other one is pink and says "You can't spell Princess without ESPN". I love them! This morning she wore the first one to daycare, and looked so cute - though it i sized at 12 months, it was only a tiny bit loose on her.

As for accomplishments - Cookie crawled for the first time yesterday on all hands and knees. She is so excited to be so mobile, but it frustrates her that we take away so many objects that she grabs and tries to put in her mouth. I swear, her first word is probably going to be "Nasty" because that's what I say when I pull something away or out of her mouth - "No, no sweetie, that's nasty. Eeeeew, nasty. We don't eat shoes...nasty."

So, I'm back at work today, looking at mounds of paperwork, and blogging. What else do you expect me to do?

Privacy and Blogging

2006-07-06T09:12:00.000-04:00

Pyjama Mama writes...

When you make the decision to author a public blog, are you giving up your right to privacy? Does the act of blogging make it the public’s right to know every intricate detail about what you do? Does the fact that you have a public blog give anyone the right to dive into your personal past or history, simply because you own a public means of expression?
Where is the line drawn?
Discuss.

OK, sweetie, I'm game.

When I started this blog over a year ago, it was for reasons that are less than happy. I was a newlywed in my first ever interracial relationship with a man who was extremely different from me, and (to get down to brass tacks) my marriage was failing. I was also diagnosed with PCOS and faced infertility head-on. I knew about blogging, and had seen a fair share of them, but hadn't made the commitment. That all changed when I put up my first few posts and realized that the catharsis I felt and the realization that I had a public voice that was different than any voice I previously had was enough to motivate me to continue.

In short, it is my position that I only give up my right to privacy to the extent that I choose to. For example, on this blog I began by using my first name only - my real first name, and my husband's real first name. I also used our real city. Had I been blogging about more unscrupulous, illegal, or immoral things I might have considered pseudonyms.

I only recently put up a picture of myself (and my baby) in my profile. That was my choice - a going more public, if you will. Some folks have advised me that putting up pictures of your foster children in your blog is something you should not do. I agree - to an extent. Children have to be protected because they cannot defend themselves. In the line of work that I do, we refer to children as a "vulnerable population". So, I have never used my child's real name. I haev disclosed the name we plan to give to her once the adoption is final - but her birth name is something that only our close friends and family know. I do not reveal the identity of her birth parents, though by the actions they have chosen, and their continued behavior, the law sees to it that they are registered and quite public. Again, a matter of choice. I've talked to social workers about it, and they know about my blog. They also know I will protect my child.

But this all seems to beg the question of wether we really have privacy to begin with, and wether the protection of privacy is inherently a right (and wether our country truly protects that right as much as the rhetoric reflects). I would answer "no" to all of the above, for reasons that I'd just rather not go into here (again, choice - if I don't want to tell something, I don't have to. Folks can ask, and I can also choose to remain silent - ah ha - another basic"right" - to remain silent.)

Interpersonally, I would much rather people ask me something than to speculate, or talk about me behind my back. For example, I have much more respect for individuals who ask me about my interracial marriage and discrimination and the impact it has had on my family of origin, than those who whisper with hands cupped over their mouths while staring at my husband and I and our lilly-white child. I am happy to talk about tough issues - even those that are personal. I am not at all uncomfortable in telling someone that I prefer not to talk about something - their asking does not offend me.

Case in point, when we tell people that we are adopting, many times they will ask, "Oh, are you two unable to have biological chidren?" It's a logical question, I think. There are lots of reasons folks adopt, and frankly this one is the biggie. It also opens up the discussion. See, I never know why folks ask the questions they do - but many times I find that if I worry less about my privacy and think more about the possibilities for forming a community, I am less offended. I never know if that person might also be infertile and trying to consider his/her options. Maybe that person doesn't know about adoption from foster care, and our story could inspire them to do the same. Maybe that person is looking for meaning in their life, and that very probing and personal question could be the one that allows me to tell them what God has done in my life, and how without my salvation, I would be nothing. I have been rescued. I am a miracle. But unless they ask, I can't know.

PJ Mama asks about the public's right to know every intricate detail about what we do. "Oh, hell naw", as we would say here in Kentucky. But I do understand folks' desire to know. The more I learn about my friend Lisa, in LA, the more I want to know about her foster son and his circumstances and birth family. I think of her often. I pray for her and her family and foster son. And...I want to know more. It's natural. Aristotle wrote about how the mind works, and essentially he postulated that we all have a strong desire to fill-in-the blanks...to categorize, and to make meaning out of our world by doing that. Our minds are like a mailroom with little cubbie holes and we like order in the mailroom. We get frustrated when things just don't add up, and we attempt to resolve the frustration by filling in the blanks - either with more information (i.e. intricate details), or by making guesses ("oh, she must just be more attracted to black me in general - she must be disillusioned with white men in general"). And, as the example illustrates, we are very often dead wrong.

People have a right to delve wherever they want to go, and I have the right to respond to that however I see fit. This is simplistic, I know, but it really can be a beautiful interpersonal dance. I see it a lot like dating. I mean, if you are dating - and actively so, you are "putting yourself out there" in a sense. Perhaps you go to bars or clubs, or single's meetings at church, or events that are geared toward singles. People will try to get to know you, and there are sets of unspoken rules of interaction. You wouldn't expect someone you have recently met to ask about your income, your favorite selections from the Kama Sutra, the causes of your divorce, or the like. But eventually, we do ask these things. Sometimes we ask them or someone asks them of us too quickly, and we get uncomfortable. But we expect that we will be asked because that's the nature of the situation. Blogging is like that too. I have a blog - and it's public. I blog about things that people are sometimes interested in, and I put out topics that lend themselves to questions and probing - things like PCOS, infertility, faith, marital relationships, foster parenting, adoption, and parenting. I expect to be asked all kinds of things. I hope I am asked all kinds of things. In fact, I'd like to be asked more questions than I am. I prefer questions to comments sometimes, as these give me more of a pluralistic perspective on my life as a whole.

I guess this can be summed up by saying that everyone has the right to ask me anything, and I have the greatest of all rights.

That is, I have the right to remain silent.

But notice what follows next: "Anything you say may be used against you..." Well now, that's pretty severe. But that's life, isn't it. How many times do I wish I would have just kept my big mouth shut (or my computer off)?

How much we would all learn about each other if we would just put that right into practice more often.

Agency. Free will. Choice.

It's because of these things that I can't always blame my fellow wo/man.

Deciding to Get Respite Care

2006-07-05T13:40:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since Michael and I have spent quality time (and a quantity of time) together - alone.

As foster parents, we can take 1 day of "respite care" a month for Cookie - that is, have another foster parent/family take her for a day/night for us so we can get some rest.

This is a lovely thought, and probably even more lovely if you are a foster parent to older children, or multiple children.

But this is not a lovely thought to a foster parent of a 6-month old they have every intention of adopting.

It scares the bejesus outta me. A stranger... taking care of my baby...overnight.

If it were a friend, or someone we had a good relationship with, it might be different. But I am scared. This is why we have not used respite care to date.

But we have finally managed to decide to:
1) go out of state
2) go to a concert
3) get a hotel room for 2 nights (bom chicka bom bom)
4) and oh yeah, leave Cookie

THIS WEEKEND

We've managed to make it a little less painful. The woman who is going to do this respite care for us is one of Cookie's former day care workers - she just moved to a different location. She knew Cookie from the time she came in to care almost 4 months ago. She is also the foster mom to a 3-yr. old little boy she is trying to adopt. She seems like a nice woman - but for all intents and purposes we know nothing about her.

I pray Cookie sleeps, eats, and doesn't feel abandoned. I hope she plays and is happy. I hope when she turns 14, she doesn't turn to me in anger and shout, "Its all your fault because of that time you left me in respite care when I was 6 months old!" (I know she will shout all kinds of horrible things as a teenager - I just hope she shouts about something different.)

Cookie's Accomplishments

2006-06-30T11:08:00.000-04:00

Since I really have nothing titalating to write about, and since I have Friday-itis, what follows will be a post that I can put in Cookie's lifebook about what she has recently learned how to do:

Oh my Sugar Cookie, last night I was bathing you and your daddy asked, "Is she sitting up in the tub all by herself?" I hadn't even noticed that as I was washing your little back and arms that that's indeed what you were doing. You were still excited about slapping the water with your hands and splashing about. You enjoyed playing with the top cover to an Avent bottle, and turning it in every direction - dropping it in the tub, watching it bob around or fill up with water and sink. You were very skilled at recovering it from the bottom of the tub, figuring out how to dump the water out, and get the edge of it into your mouth again to chew on. You studied it carefully like a tiny scientist - over and over again with a studious look on your face. You are growing to have more times that you are careful and methodical in your play.

You enjoy studying new objects for a long time, and only after you have concluded these observations do you begin slapping your hands and thowing it about. You still like to put everything into your mouth - your favorite are colorful magazines that come in the mail. You like to grab the pages and crinkle them in your hands and try to get the pages into your mouth. You often succeed at ripping the pages out and inserting the crinkly paper into your mouth until it is soggy and I am forced to remove the paper and fish small bits of magazine out of your mouth. I have to be careful with you every second because of your desire to chew everything!

You are pretty mobile now - you roll over and over and can scoot across the floor on your belly, but you cannot crawl on your hand and knees (though it is clear you really want to!). If you see a remote control on the floor, this is what seems to excite you most, and you are quick to scoot across the floor to grab the remote - you must take after your daddy - though he refrains from eating the remote. You love it when daddy holds your arms and lets you stand on the floor so you can "march" in place like you are walking. When he does this, the look on your face is sheer joy.

Your grin is enormous - and when you smile, it involves your entire face. Your grin is still toothless and gummy, with no signs of any teeth on the horizon.

You make these cool "raking" motions with your fingers, and your dexterity seems to increase every day.

Your favorite foods are sweet potatoes, squash, carrots, and banana. You will eat peas and green beans, and peaches - but they are not your favorites. You are now sucking down an entire 4 oz. jar of baby food each evening when daddy and I eat our dinner. You seldom spit anything out anymore because you LOVE food.

You still don't sleep through the night, but daddy and I are less worried about it - we figure you'll outgrow that stage when you're good and ready to.

You hold your own bottle a lot now - but it seems to be only when the mood strikes you. In the middle of the night if you are hungry, you will often snatch the bottle out of our hand as we are bringing it toward your face, put both of your hands around it and pull it into your mouth in a fairly smooth, yet frantic display of hunger. You often suck down a midnight bottle like it may be the last bit you'll ever have, burp very loudly, then roll over in our bed and fall asleep right between daddy and I. It is very sweet, and sometimes we don't even put you back in the crib because you are so soft.

I still call you a "soft, warm biscuit" because when you were tiny, daddy said you were his "little Biscuit Head". You are often very warm and "biscuity". I love that about you.

We don't push your learning real hard, but we talk constantly to you, sing to you, and read you stories. We figure you'll learn at your own pace, and start talking to us when you're good and ready.

You are a happy little girl, for the most part. Your dramatic streak and ability to whine and protest loudly to get your way seems to come right from me. I'll apologize to your daddy for that for the rest of my life. Your favorite thing to whine about now seems to be when daddy gets up and moves from the livingroom into the kitchen to do the dishes. You can still see him and like to stand on my lap and look and him and whine to let him know you are not happy that he "left". You also like to protest when one of us is holding you, but you would prefer it be the other one of us. Sheesh. You have us wrapped around your tiny little pinky finger.

We adore you, Cookie. Life is so much more of an adventure with you.